Do you ever feel like even though things in life may not be going exactly how you want them to, you finally start feeling like you’re getting a grasp on how to work life? I’m starting to feel this. I’m okay with myself, I’m okay with the circumstances I’m under. I’m learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and give it to everybody I meet. I’m learning not to fall too hard and too fast cause let’s face it, I’m a victim of that. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I fall fast. I’m pulling back the reigns a little bit, and not giving everything away all at once.
I like to play with flames, because I’m a curious, adventurous type of girl. That however, has resulted in me getting burned quite a few times this summer.
THE ARMY BOY
Okay, okay, okay. I know what you’re thinking. “Why would you ever start something with somebody who is going off?” Well, that’s because I had feelings for him. He was the first boy I actually had feelings for besides my ex. Him and I were friends and he lives across the street from me, well before he went off into the army. I’ve known him for a couple years now, but up until say… March or April, we didn’t flirt because I was with my ex (my ex and I were an on again/off again kind of thing, annoying I know) so when we were broken up for a couple months, I was talking and flirting with army boy. He told me he didn’t want to start a relationship before deploying, which I understand. He said he liked me though, and I liked him too. Things weren’t really going anywhere, though, so I told him my ex and I started talking again. I gave him a fair warning. He didn’t object, didn’t complain or anything, so I thought whatever. He must not be that into me. Fast forward, he comes home for a two week visit. My ex and I had broken up, so we met up at night. Things were going great, he said he still liked me and I still liked him. We fooled around a bit, because I thought hey… maybe there’s a chance things might work out. We went to a party together, and he was texting a girl. I joked, “Texting with your girlfriend?” And he said “Possibly in the future.” Ouch. That one hurt. When I got home, I started thinking because I over think and over analyze things and it never ends well. I told him we needed to talk and I wondered what was going on between us. He ignored the conversation and wouldn’t text back. Eventually, a few days later, I got him to talk about it. Basically, he didn’t like me anymore, because of what happened with my ex. Maybe I walked into that one myself, but if he had objected and somewhat fought for me, then I probably wouldn’t have done anything with my ex but it seemed army boy didn’t really care. So then, he told me he didn’t want to get into a relationship because he is being deployed soon. I completely understand that, I do. Then he told me he just wanted to be “friends with benefits”. Ouch. There comes the hurt again. Me being me, I gave it a chance and we met up again that night and fooled around again. Fast forward to a couple weeks after he went back to base across the country, he met a girl. Him and her are now in a RELATIONSHIP. What the hell?! She isn’t even cute. Whatever. So, I was burned majorly by that flame and in result, I put a lid on that candle real fast.
THE COUNTRY BOY
So, I met him maybe a month after army boy. We weren’t talking for very long, but when we did we TALKED. I’m talking, all day long every day through multiple means of communication. He seemed like a real, down to earth guy. I hadn’t developed feelings yet, because we had only been talking a few days but I know that him and I could be good together. I just feel like there’s something there. And he likes COUNTRY. It is so unbelievably hard to find a boy in southern California who likes country, because that’s what I was raised on. I listen to a whole range of things from country to rap, but I’ve never met a boy my whole entire life who likes country music. We had talks about going out on a date, joking around about me bringing him lunch on his lunch break at work and he even stopped by one night to see me. For once, after a couple guys of me servicing them (if you get my drift. Army boy was one of them) and nothing for me, he serviced MY engine. He didn’t even ask for me to do anything to him. Was he sent from god? Possibly. His kissing abilities? Amazing. His hands, though? PERFECT. Gosh, thinking about it now… anywaaaaays, a week later he joined school on top of his work. He told me he had no time to be in a relationship. I understand that, and what happened between us was not his fault/on purpose, that I know of anyways. Guys seem to be real sketchy sometimes, though. And he used the line “we can still be friends though.” I thought, oh okay sure. You say “lets still be friends” which means let’s never talk again, fine. But the next day, he actually texted me. For once, a guy actually meant “let’s still be friends”. Could he get any better? We continued talking for a week, and then communication just fell out and he stopped responding back to me. Here I am thinking, here it goes again… I give everything of me to him, I put my heart on my sleeve and I try to make things work. I need to learn not to play with fire. I need to learn to be the fire instead. So, after a few weeks of not talking… guess who starts talking to me again? Country boy. So this time, I’m going to make him work for it and see what happens. Hopefully it ends differently than last time. Because I’m tired of getting burned
So, I’ve learned to be the fire. I’m taking control of the situation and I’m going to be the one calling the shots. For once, I want to learn to be the heart breaker and all that jazz. I’m not going to be the one sitting on the sidelines waiting for him. Maybe this time he’ll realize to keep in touch with me, because I’m not an every day person. I’m a one in a million kind of girl.
With all the love in my body,