We’ve all been there. Late at night, it’s quiet… the lights are low, the candles are burning and the window is open to allow in the new crisp air that is leading autumn into place, soft music is playing and all seems right with the world. But it’s not. I often find myself in these moments, with a head full of thoughts, a heart full of emotions and yet no answers coming out of my mouth. I am a firm believer in fate, karma and things happening for a reason and if it’s meant to be it’ll be, if not then it won’t. Tonight I’m thinking about my ex and wondering what he’s up to, if he’s thinking about me at all. In our current state it’s all about hate. He hates me and I hate him, so many harsh words were said and now we’re both beaten up and bruised. Although the last time we talked, he said something that struck a venomous chord in myself. There are not a lot of things that get me so heated, but he seems to know all those buttons that do, and I went off. I don’t regret what I said to him, because it all needed to be said and in all my anger and rage in that moment I wanted to delete him from my life more than anything. I wanted to block and delete him from facebook, delete our messages and delete his contact although I would recognize his number. I let myself cool down because I realized I was thinking out of spite. The next day however, I had found he had beaten me to the punch and deleted and blocked me off of facebook. When I needed him for something very important and possibly life changing that involved him, I had no choice but to text him. He chose to ignore it. Our relationship is a very complex and complicated one. We both butt heads and are both so stubborn and we get very heated and passionate.
My question is why do things have to end so bitterly between people? Why does it have to get to a point where they both hate each other? Does it really need to be that way? I get the whole fate thing where it may have just been it’s time to end, and I get things happen for a reason but what is that reason? I feel that if I saw him in public I would hide myself, or stand where I could see him but he couldn’t see me. Does it really have to be that way between people? I suppose it does, if you were in love. All I wanted was to not be with him, and I still don’t want to be with him, but these are still thoughts running through my mind this night… or most nights if I’m being honest. I heard a quote that I feel rings true to people, “Ex’s cannot be friends. If they can, they were never truly in love with each other or they still are.”
Why on our journey in life do we cross certain people and have it end so violently? It kills me to know now that that’s how it’s going to be between us. It’s crazy to me and I’m sure most of you that life can change with every breath we take. Him and I went from cuddling and cooking together and then… we were nothing, all on my part I may add. Why does life have to change so fast on us?
I have so many thoughts on this, but no clear way to express them. They could go on for hours, but at the same time they couldn’t.
With all the love in my body,