Why Are Men So Simple It’s Complicated?

I found myself thinking this out loud today. 

Why are men so damn simple it’s complicated? 

I met up with my best friend today at Starbucks, and chatted over coffee about our love life. That question just slipped right out and it makes me so frustrated. 

We, as women, tend to over think/over analyze/over play/worry/ and doubt EVERYTHING. I am guilty of this and will never deny it. It’s in our genes and DNA, unfortunately. If you a girl, and you don’t do any of these things, I am jealous of you to say the least. We don’t view things as simple, somehow in our minds, everything has to be complicated. If a man says something, to us there’s meaning behind it. And then we go into our moods trying to figure out and analyze what they said. 

Did they not mean anything at all by saying that?

And if they didn’t mean anything by it, then why would they say it?

But if they did mean it, what did they mean? 

And you know, all those questions that depend on the context and what they actually said. 

Like, for instance, in mine and my best friend’s cases the pet name “hun”. She is talking to a guy who is genuinely into her, and they’re both flirting and all that jazz. But he calls her “hun” all the time. Does this mean that he thinks of them as something more than just talking? Or is it just a way of flirting? He even has called her “babe” once. 

And for me, I am talking to a guy, just as friends… with some flirting? I wouldn’t call us “talking” seeing as he’s an old friend who is now in the Air Force in Texas. I don’t know what I would say we’re doing; it’s complicated kind of. (And there is a prime example of trying to over analyze something without even thinking about it). Anyways, he calls me “hun” all the time. What? Why? Is that his way of flirting? Does he think of us as “talking”? Does he not mean anything by it? Does he use it normally to most girls? Little background on him though, he’s not the type of guy to be flirting all over the place. He has never had sex or kissed a girl, not due to religious reasons but due to the fact that he wants to be loyal and faithful. He’s an amazing guy. So I’m very confused by “hun”, to say the least. 

                               P.S. – I am treading him very lightly, because like I said, he’s had no physical experience with girls, he is a great guy and I’ve done the whole show and he knows it. I don’t want to hurt him in any way, so I am taking the flirting very lightly until I know if I even like him in that way or not. 

But for guys, it’s all so simple. If they say one thing, they mean exactly what they’ve said. How is this so hard for us girls to wrap our brains around? Because it just doesn’t make sense to us. It CAN’T be that simple. Because us girls, when we say one thing… we don’t always mean it. Take, “I’m fine”. Oh no, we are not just fine when we say that. 

“Don’t worry, go ahead and do it” actually means don’t do it. 

Even though we know how simple guys are, we still can’t seem to grasp that fact. Which makes it all so frustrating because is a “hun” really just a “hun”? 

What are your thoughts on the meaning of this “hun”?

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Guitar Strings

Why is it, that intentionally or unintentionally, the good ones end up getting hurt? 

So, as you all know, my ex blocked my number and that he called me last weekend, and he never called back after that. Today, however, I was making lunch and guess who calls? D. In the millisecond I had to think, something in me made me pick up the phone. His voice sounded so familiar, so comforting. I hated him for a while. I despised him, loathed him, never wanted to talk to him or even look at him, but I got over it. 

We talked for maybe half an hour on the phone, and caught up on what had been going on. I thought the conversation seemed a bit like small talk, and on my part, I didn’t feel those feelings I once felt. It felt like talking to a friend. Things were going somewhat smoothly. As smoothly as two ex’s talking after some months of breaking up can be.  

He asked to see me tonight, at a restaurant to meet up and talk in person. I said sure, as long as it wasn’t a date. 

That’s when things got bad. 

He told me he didn’t block me because he didn’t want to talk to me, he blocked me because he was and still very much is deeply in love with me and that I broke him. I was the person, I was THAT person in the relationship who breaks the other person for forever. The one that ruined them. That realization has been hitting me a lot. I didn’t do it on purpose, and I never wanted to hurt him, but I did. Even if he still always has a place in my heart. 

Then I told him that if I were to meet him tonight, he shouldn’t hope that we get back together because I still felt the same way I did, that I don’t want to get back together. And needless to say, we didn’t meet up, since I am writing this post right now. 

And that’s when things got worse. 

He told me that during the last few months of our relationship, he was the happiest he ever was, because he was financially able to spoil me, to support our relationship and that was what he had always wanted to do for me, and for us. He told me that still, he would give everything to cuddle with me, to have my head rest on his chest in that spot I love and to have his hand on my hip, in that spot that he loves. 

And that’s when things hit rock bottom, and my heart. 

He told me he had been secretly (I’m assuming when we were together) taking guitar lessons for our five year anniversary, along with many other things he was planning. That killed me. I felt like the worst person in the world. He knows how much I love a guy who can play guitar, he knew how much it meant to me. He had always had a guitar, but didn’t fully know how to play. I always commented on it saying he should learn how to. That pulled at my heart strings, just as he had been pulling at his guitar strings. 

I don’t feel like getting back together with him, don’t get me wrong. But the fact that I gave up a great guy… that kills me. Now, all I’m dealing with is losers or jerks. I hate that I ruined and broke him. Maybe dealing with all the losers and jerks is karma. 

Why is it always the good ones? Why are we the ones who end up taking the pain? 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Soul Mates

Soul mates. That was on topic in my mind today. I am a romantic, without a doubt, but what is a soul mate? 

I got to thinking about that a lot today. How do you define a soul mate and how do you know you’ve found yours? Do we have just one soul mate or do we have a few? 

Is a soul mate the one who is exactly identical to who you are? 

Or is a soul mate more of a yin and yang kind of thing that balances you out? 

Will we just instantly connect?

Or will it be a friendship that has built over time? 

Do our soul mates gravitate towards us in the hands of faith? 

Or is it the person with the zodiac sign that is said to “be perfect with you”?

So many questions about soul mates, yet no real answers. As I sit here and think about it though, maybe everybody’s soul mate is different. Maybe my soul mate will be one who balances me out, because lord knows I need it. Maybe my soul mate right at this very moment is someone in my life. We never know, but wouldn’t we love to? 

If we all have soul mates, what happens if we never meet them? Will our heart always yearn for something we can’t seem to put our finger on? 

Maybe what a soul mate is, is just a person who strikes a match so fierce inside of us, whoever that is. It’s the one who is deeply rooted in our hearts. A soul mate isn’t just a fling, or an ordinary love, I believe. I believe a soul mate is somebody who knows you, inside and out and loves you unconditionally. 

For me, personally I believe my soul mate would have to be one that loves my stubbornness, who even though I get a little fiesty, will let me run my course and then calm me down. I believe it’ll be somebody who will hold my hand, but never drag me down. I believe my soul mate will be somebody who gets my crazy, who will laugh at my love of corny jokes and cupcakes. I believe my soul mate will not try to hold me down, but instead runs just as wild beside me because I am somebody who cannot be tamed. I believe my soul mate will love and be just as passionate as I am about life, about things that strike my fancy. My soul mate will be my travel buddy, my best friend, my lover, and most importantly somebody who makes me laugh. 

Then again, do we ever really, truly know who are soul mate is? Maybe it’s the person we least expected. 

Do you believe in soul mates? 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo

The “Quiet”

I’m out during the day, and everything is fine. I put on a smile, I laugh loud like normal, I’m up and ready for conversation, I’m friendly, I make jokes and I’m always up for going out to do something. 

I wake up in the morning with hope. I wake up with a bright, open mind for the day… as much as one can do when they wake up. Because hope is the one thing that is keeping my feet hitting the ground. Hope is what I am feeding off of. Because as soon as night comes, and I am home… all the bubbles, all the smiles, all the good feelings, they seem to disappear. 

Then, an empty void in me takes over. I’m not necessarily sad, I’m just… empty. I don’t have much feelings. Or maybe I do. Maybe it’s a mix of loneliness, of no security, no love, of being sad, of being over everything. I’m just over it. Over everything these days. I sit in my room watching TV, realizing how quiet I am inside. I’m not normally quiet inside. For me, what normal is, is thoughts, feelings, songs, dances, jokes, talking to myself, thoughts buzzing like bees in a hive 24/7, but I don’t feel any of that any more when I’m by myself. It’s hard. A piece of me is gone. I don’t know where or how I lost it, 

I’m too quiet inside. I don’t like it. 

I was asked the other day what fun things I like to do… I couldn’t think of any. 

I don’t feel depressed, because I can wake up in the morning. I can do things during the day. I do them with a smile on my face, although deep down I am quiet. During the day, I live off of hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope that one day it all gets better. 

I crave something in its simplest form, and I think it’s love.

I crave stability.

I crave somebody to talk to at the end of the day.

I crave a shoulder to lean my head on.

A hand to hold.

A kiss on the forehead.

I crave a person who craves me.

But is this the actual reason for the quiet inside of me? Or is this because of the quiet inside of me?

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo 

The Great Escape

I was outside tonight. There was a cold, autumn breeze blowing against me. I was watching soccer and then I heard it. I heard the loud rumbling of a plane flying over us in the dark, night sky. 

Something inside of me ached. Somewhere inside of me there is an empty void. 

When I saw that plane, I wondered who was on it. 

Where they were going. 

Who they were with. 

Where they were coming from. 

When I saw that plane, I wondered why they were taking that trip. 

Had they needed an escape? 

Were they looking for a new life? 

Was it a family trip? 

I ached again as I saw more planes fly off to some unknown destination in the night sky. 

I am jealous of them. So badly I wish I could pack some bags, buy a plane ticket and visit England. Visit some other part of the country. Meet new people. Meet a love. I want to travel, I want to have an escape. 

There is something in me that needs an escape so badly. My heart and the void in my yearns for it daily. My heart calls out for England, or New York. I’m not myself lately and I need some change in my life, I need to get away. If I weren’t only 18, if I had a job, I would. I would buy a one way ticket and sleep in hotel to hotel on my travels. 

My empty void is consuming me, I feel. There is a major piece of me missing, and I’m on the search to find it. 

Those planes have people on them, people with stories. I always wonder about them. I’m always jealous of them. I find myself most jealous of them flying off at night, for some reason. Flying off into the great unknown, anxiously waiting for a new adventure. 

Sometimes I wonder if my love is waiting for me on a different country, feeling the same way I’m feeling right now. Wondering If i’m out here. 

I need to be on that plane in the night sky, flying away. 

Heart vs Head

“Humans have a knock for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them.” – J.K. Rowling 

Why is it that we always want what we know is not good for us? Why does a good portion of the time, the heart rules over the head? Why do we let our hearts control everything in us? The heart is a silly thing. It takes control of you, it overrides every other system in your body. It shuts down the brain, it produces butterflies in your stomach or it can produce a sickening feeling in your stomach. It makes you feel awake, more awake than you’ve ever felt. It can also depress you so bad you sleep all day. And then, the things the heart feels itself. When it pumps a thousand times a minute, when you see that special someone. How when something breaks your heart, you actually can feel your heart ache. You can feel it breaking. People often argue why a different organ is the most valuable piece of us, which can sometimes be true. But I will argue that even though there may be a more important organ in our body, the heart is the most amazing. 

I was at a soccer game tonight. My younger brother plays in something called “AYSO”, it is a community sport where anybody under the age of 18 can play and be put on different teams. Well, I was walking to go watch him and I ran into somebody. I ran into army boy’s dad. Now, he doesn’t know me and I don’t know him. But they look so much alike. They had the same face, same body type, same walk. I just knew it was him. I had been suppressing my feelings as best as I could since army boy was deployed yesterday. Then it all shattered when I saw his dad. He reminded me so much of army boy. 

I realized I still did have feelings for army boy, even though I know I shouldn’t. Even though I know he has a girlfriend, I know he’s been deployed, I know he’s going to be gone for nine months, I know he treated me like a jerk, I know I deserve better. I know all that. However, despite it all, I still can’t help but of thinking of him. I can’t help the sick feeling in my stomach thinking of him gone. I want him to be safe, I want him to come back already, even though he’s in New York and has a girlfriend.

A girlfriend. 

I feel guilty just thinking about it. Thinking of army boy. Knowing I’m pining away over her boyfriend, here on the west coast, while she is on the east coast. Whether or not he cares, which I doubt he does, I still have feelings for him. 

So the question is, why does the heart do this? Why is our head always overruled? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer in that not every thing has a logical reason behind it, because it doesn’t… well, in my opinion anyways.

Our hearts always ache for something, whether or not it’s actually good for us. 

Once Upon a Time

Some of you may not understand exactly why I keep on having this struggle with my ex, D or why things with him are always so complicated and I realized I’ve never really given a back story to him, like a real one. So, here goes me trying to shorten a very long story of us. 

Once upon a time… 

I was a 13 year old girl, having big self-esteem issues and all that came with that. I had never had a boyfriend or done anything with a boy, at all. He was a just turned 15 year old boy who was also having issues. We met online, as embarrassing as that is, on a website that was like Myspace. We talked non-stop for a couple weeks. On the phone, on AIM (I feel so old talking about AIM because it used to be the thing, now who in the world uses it?), myspace, that website, and actually talking on the phone because I didn’t have a cell phone at the time. The first time he called me, we ended up getting into a really deep conversation, enough to the point where I started crying on the phone. Now, for most people this is no big deal, but for me it’s huge. I very rarely let people in, I rarely let people see me cry, or struggle or know I’m having a hard time. Maybe this is because I’m stubborn, or my mom laughs at me anytime I cry, I’m not sure. But I just refuse to let people see me break down, because I’m usually known as the bubbly type of girl. 

And by the way, I know what you’re thinking… we were both so young, but it was one of those rare connections. You might be thinking we didn’t know any better, or it was puppy love… but it wasn’t. 

We met after a couple weeks of talking, since he lived maybe ten minutes from me. I brought a friend with me, and our parents met. Our parents left, but my friend stayed with us. We walked around the mall and talked. I remember him staring at me a lot. I asked him a long time after we had been together why he stared at me and he said it was because I was so beautiful. We went to see a movie, Changling. It was one of the longest, worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life, by the way. While we were in there, my friend left to go to the bathroom. While she was gone, he asked if he could hold my hand. I was so scared and nervous, my palms were sweating. It was the first time I was holding hands with a boy. 

We went out a few days later, with his mom to a restaurant. I was so nervous, first time meeting his mom, our second time out. His mom went to the bathroom. I was looking away at something in the restaurant, and I hear him call my name. I look over at him quickly, and before I know it I’ve just had my first kiss. I remember that moment so vividly. Who forgets their first kiss? I was up on cloud nine, my head was in lala land and when I went home I was giggly, and walking on clouds. 

However, as a sign, I think, that we didn’t realize at the time, whenever we went out we always heard a song playing, a certain song. It was the song “Hot n Cold” by Katy Perry. As funny as it is, we made that our song. At the time, we didn’t realize it, but looking on years after, we realized that that song described us perfectly. 

During Thanksgiving break, I had been wondering and thinking. Only after two weeks of dating, a month of knowing each other, I had been thinking about the L word. I was thinking I loved him. I had been debating about it for a week for telling that to him, then one day I got a phone call from him. He tells me he had a dream, and I was in the dream. We were in some place, and I hand him a letter and he opens and reads the letter. He said he read the letter and what was on it made him so happy. I asked him what was on the letter. He said in the letter, I had told him I loved him. And there, we both told each other we loved each other. 

For our first Christmas together, a couple months after we got together, he got me a real diamond necklace. I was so shocked. We got together officially, in the beginning of November. I was not expecting this in any way. When he had money, which wasn’t all the time, but when he did, he spoiled me and always was like that.  

We spent so much time together. We learned so much about each other, hung out all the time, we were “that” couple. We had become the couple that everybody was jealous of, who everybody thought was perfect. And we were. For a really long time. 

Our first, day long, break up came in March. He messaged me in the morning, told me he needed a break, and by the night, he was reaching back out for me. 

Little background on D. He’s bipolar, he has family issues, sleep issues, and depression. He had his really, really bad moments and he had his good ones. Likewise with me. I had family issues and self-esteem/eating disorder issues, but together we helped each other. He broke up with me a lot, though. He was always scared of commitment/was bipolar. One moment he was there, the next he needed a break. We became an off/on couple. When times were bad, they were really bad, but when times were good they were great. 

He made some major mistakes, but so did I. I don’t regret anything, nor do I not forgive him for anything. He had a hard time communicating, which he slowly worked on. He was better at buying gifts to show his love, rather than communicating it. That’s just who he is. 

We went through many break ups over the course of being together for four and a half years. We, in some way, beat the odds of surviving high school together. We became one. We talked every single day, and even when I moved away almost a year after going out, we still saw each other a lot, granted I only moved 10 more minutes away, it’s a long distance for people on a low budget. 

We have so many good and bad memories together. Memories I’ll remember fondly, laugh at, miss, and cringe at thinking of. He was my first everything and anything. He had a girlfriend before me, all I really know and ever cared to know was that they had kissed. Whether they did more than that, I don’t care/never asked besides the fact he was still a virgin. He was my best friend and I was his, we told each other everything. We helped each other for everything. 

So to go from talking every single day, all day with your best friend to not talking to them at all… is terrifying, and scary, and very lonely. The last final break up we had, I broke it off. I needed my space, and time to grow as a person. I wanted to find myself, and be a young girl and just have fun. Being in a relationship wasn’t just in the cards for me at the moment. After four and a half years of being in a relationship, I just needed to breathe. Seeing as a major change in my life in going to college was coming, I decided it was the time. I wanted to grow on my own, without anybody’s help. 

We both said messed up shit, and did stupid things during this breakup and crossed lines. And I hated him. Looking back at it though, I’m over it and moving on. I can’t dwell on it anymore because it does nobody any good. 

I still miss talking to him and seeing him, though, because he was my best friend. We have so many amazing memories together, and I’ll always have welcome arms for him. 

And yet, with how long this post was… it doesn’t even come close to describing us. Somehow, in some way we’re entwined together very complexly that most people don’t understand or get their whole entire lives. For a better visual of how we were together, our love and how we were as a couple was kind of like The Notebook. 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo