Some of you may not understand exactly why I keep on having this struggle with my ex, D or why things with him are always so complicated and I realized I’ve never really given a back story to him, like a real one. So, here goes me trying to shorten a very long story of us.
Once upon a time…
I was a 13 year old girl, having big self-esteem issues and all that came with that. I had never had a boyfriend or done anything with a boy, at all. He was a just turned 15 year old boy who was also having issues. We met online, as embarrassing as that is, on a website that was like Myspace. We talked non-stop for a couple weeks. On the phone, on AIM (I feel so old talking about AIM because it used to be the thing, now who in the world uses it?), myspace, that website, and actually talking on the phone because I didn’t have a cell phone at the time. The first time he called me, we ended up getting into a really deep conversation, enough to the point where I started crying on the phone. Now, for most people this is no big deal, but for me it’s huge. I very rarely let people in, I rarely let people see me cry, or struggle or know I’m having a hard time. Maybe this is because I’m stubborn, or my mom laughs at me anytime I cry, I’m not sure. But I just refuse to let people see me break down, because I’m usually known as the bubbly type of girl.
And by the way, I know what you’re thinking… we were both so young, but it was one of those rare connections. You might be thinking we didn’t know any better, or it was puppy love… but it wasn’t.
We met after a couple weeks of talking, since he lived maybe ten minutes from me. I brought a friend with me, and our parents met. Our parents left, but my friend stayed with us. We walked around the mall and talked. I remember him staring at me a lot. I asked him a long time after we had been together why he stared at me and he said it was because I was so beautiful. We went to see a movie, Changling. It was one of the longest, worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life, by the way. While we were in there, my friend left to go to the bathroom. While she was gone, he asked if he could hold my hand. I was so scared and nervous, my palms were sweating. It was the first time I was holding hands with a boy.
We went out a few days later, with his mom to a restaurant. I was so nervous, first time meeting his mom, our second time out. His mom went to the bathroom. I was looking away at something in the restaurant, and I hear him call my name. I look over at him quickly, and before I know it I’ve just had my first kiss. I remember that moment so vividly. Who forgets their first kiss? I was up on cloud nine, my head was in lala land and when I went home I was giggly, and walking on clouds.
However, as a sign, I think, that we didn’t realize at the time, whenever we went out we always heard a song playing, a certain song. It was the song “Hot n Cold” by Katy Perry. As funny as it is, we made that our song. At the time, we didn’t realize it, but looking on years after, we realized that that song described us perfectly.
During Thanksgiving break, I had been wondering and thinking. Only after two weeks of dating, a month of knowing each other, I had been thinking about the L word. I was thinking I loved him. I had been debating about it for a week for telling that to him, then one day I got a phone call from him. He tells me he had a dream, and I was in the dream. We were in some place, and I hand him a letter and he opens and reads the letter. He said he read the letter and what was on it made him so happy. I asked him what was on the letter. He said in the letter, I had told him I loved him. And there, we both told each other we loved each other.
For our first Christmas together, a couple months after we got together, he got me a real diamond necklace. I was so shocked. We got together officially, in the beginning of November. I was not expecting this in any way. When he had money, which wasn’t all the time, but when he did, he spoiled me and always was like that.
We spent so much time together. We learned so much about each other, hung out all the time, we were “that” couple. We had become the couple that everybody was jealous of, who everybody thought was perfect. And we were. For a really long time.
Our first, day long, break up came in March. He messaged me in the morning, told me he needed a break, and by the night, he was reaching back out for me.
Little background on D. He’s bipolar, he has family issues, sleep issues, and depression. He had his really, really bad moments and he had his good ones. Likewise with me. I had family issues and self-esteem/eating disorder issues, but together we helped each other. He broke up with me a lot, though. He was always scared of commitment/was bipolar. One moment he was there, the next he needed a break. We became an off/on couple. When times were bad, they were really bad, but when times were good they were great.
He made some major mistakes, but so did I. I don’t regret anything, nor do I not forgive him for anything. He had a hard time communicating, which he slowly worked on. He was better at buying gifts to show his love, rather than communicating it. That’s just who he is.
We went through many break ups over the course of being together for four and a half years. We, in some way, beat the odds of surviving high school together. We became one. We talked every single day, and even when I moved away almost a year after going out, we still saw each other a lot, granted I only moved 10 more minutes away, it’s a long distance for people on a low budget.
We have so many good and bad memories together. Memories I’ll remember fondly, laugh at, miss, and cringe at thinking of. He was my first everything and anything. He had a girlfriend before me, all I really know and ever cared to know was that they had kissed. Whether they did more than that, I don’t care/never asked besides the fact he was still a virgin. He was my best friend and I was his, we told each other everything. We helped each other for everything.
So to go from talking every single day, all day with your best friend to not talking to them at all… is terrifying, and scary, and very lonely. The last final break up we had, I broke it off. I needed my space, and time to grow as a person. I wanted to find myself, and be a young girl and just have fun. Being in a relationship wasn’t just in the cards for me at the moment. After four and a half years of being in a relationship, I just needed to breathe. Seeing as a major change in my life in going to college was coming, I decided it was the time. I wanted to grow on my own, without anybody’s help.
We both said messed up shit, and did stupid things during this breakup and crossed lines. And I hated him. Looking back at it though, I’m over it and moving on. I can’t dwell on it anymore because it does nobody any good.
I still miss talking to him and seeing him, though, because he was my best friend. We have so many amazing memories together, and I’ll always have welcome arms for him.
And yet, with how long this post was… it doesn’t even come close to describing us. Somehow, in some way we’re entwined together very complexly that most people don’t understand or get their whole entire lives. For a better visual of how we were together, our love and how we were as a couple was kind of like The Notebook.
With all the love in my body,