I know I get at y’all all the time for loving yourself and not listening to what anybody else says and I say that to everybody, believe me. So, imagine how hypocritical I feel sitting in my room tonight crying and sniffling, listening to the Ed Sheeran station on Pandora about myself. I’ll show you the journey of how/why I am here right now.
My family. Really, it’s the root of a lot of it. Mostly my mom and one of my younger brothers. It used to be all my mom, but now it’s most of my brother. So, from a previous post if you’ve read it, I used to have an eating disorder. I have never been okay with my body, ever. Even when I was at my skinniest, I still thought I was “fat”. There are moments where I have embraced my body, and days and weeks and months where I didn’t mind my body, and thought I looked good a lot of the time. Recently, I’ve gained weight. Due to stress, eating out because of no time for eating at home due to me doing errands and chores outside of the house, school and school work. Anyways, when I was younger, starting from 3rd or 4th grade probably, my mom was always on me about my weight, making fun of me. My mom and I have never had a good relationship, we are constantly down each other’s throats, cussing, her flipping me off, calling me names, in middle school to a couple years ago, saying I dressed like a hoe, a slut, a whore, and then the occasional bitch is always thrown in there. This past year, we’ve been a lot better but we still have our moments. She is always calling me overweight though, but that’s as of lately, and to her that’s putting it nicely. It used to be fat and always that I need to lose weight. She tells me in her own way she has no faith in me, and that I’m not worth much. She gets really spiteful when she’s mad. She always saves all her love for my brother.
My brother is a douchebag. He talks so much shit on everybody, I have never heard him say a nice thing about somebody, except for a handful of people and that’s only the people he deems “cool enough”. So it’s not surprising to hear him say that as soon as a certain guy sees me, he’s going to shut me down for how I look. Still, it hurt like hell and made me believe it. Made me even think, why do I try to talk to guys? Nobody is going to want to go for me. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m stupid. I’m not going to go anywhere in life. These are all things that have been drilled into my head since I was a little girl. They really started affecting me when I was going through my eating disorder, and it got bad. I was starving myself a lot. A few years go by, and thanks to my ex, he helped me through it and I got better a couple years ago and I didn’t have a problem anymore.
Now, a lot of the weight I had lost is backed, granted I’m not considered “obese” just overweight, in actuality. But all of the things being drilled into my head, especially from my brother these days and not being happy with my body lately and being single and having a guy say he would rather stay friends because he prefers girls more physically fit, him being an athlete. I understand that, everybody understands that. I don’t want a guy who is lazy/not physically fit. Anyways, off topic. I can feel the relapse coming on. I can feel myself getting sick just thinking about putting food into my mouth. I ate two meals today. Both, made me feel really sick. I can feel myself starting to hate my body again, and it’s making me cry knowing all too well what’s about to happen next. I know I’m going to get depressed, I’m going to eat very little, I’m going to hate my body. I can feel myself sinking into this hole, slowly, but surely. I don’t know how to get out of it alone or healthily. I have a hard time losing weight, I have a slow metabolism and it’s just physically hard for me to lose weight and always has been. I’m scared this time, though. I’m scared I’m going to let it take a hold of me. I beg my parents to buy healthy foods, to get a gym membership, to get diet pills… anything that isn’t bad for me to do in order to lose weight, but they just don’t listen. My mom doesn’t care, she doesn’t bother to open up her ears and eyes to really hear me… to hear my silent cry and pleading for help.
The relapse is coming and I don’t know what to do about it or how to overcome the battle. And all I really want in this moment, is a hug and for somebody to tell me it’s going to be okay.
With all the love in my body,