The Relapse

I know I get at y’all all the time for loving yourself and not listening to what anybody else says and I say that to everybody, believe me. So, imagine how hypocritical I feel sitting in my room tonight crying and sniffling, listening to the Ed Sheeran station on Pandora about myself. I’ll show you the journey of how/why I am here right now. 

My family. Really, it’s the root of a lot of it. Mostly my mom and one of my younger brothers. It used to be all my mom, but now it’s most of my brother. So, from a previous post if you’ve read it, I used to have an eating disorder. I have never been okay with my body, ever. Even when I was at my skinniest, I still thought I was “fat”. There are moments where I have embraced my body, and days and weeks and months where I didn’t mind my body, and thought I looked good a lot of the time. Recently, I’ve gained weight. Due to stress, eating out because of no time for eating at home due to me doing errands and chores outside of the house, school and school work. Anyways, when I was younger, starting from 3rd or 4th grade probably, my mom was always on me about my weight, making fun of me. My mom and I have never had a good relationship, we are constantly down each other’s throats, cussing, her flipping me off, calling me names, in middle school to a couple years ago, saying I dressed like a hoe, a slut, a whore, and then the occasional bitch is always thrown in there. This past year, we’ve been a lot better but we still have our moments. She is always calling me overweight though, but that’s as of lately, and to her that’s putting it nicely. It used to be fat and always that I need to lose weight. She tells me in her own way she has no faith in me, and that I’m not worth much. She gets really spiteful when she’s mad. She always saves all her love for my brother. 

My brother is a douchebag. He talks so much shit on everybody, I have never heard him say a nice thing about somebody, except for a handful of people and that’s only the people he deems “cool enough”. So it’s not surprising to hear him say that as soon as a certain guy sees me, he’s going to shut me down for how I look. Still, it hurt like hell and made me believe it. Made me even think, why do I try to talk to guys? Nobody is going to want to go for me. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m stupid. I’m not going to go anywhere in life. These are all things that have been drilled into my head since I was a little girl. They really started affecting me when I was going through my eating disorder, and it got bad. I was starving myself a lot. A few years go by, and thanks to my ex, he helped me through it and I got better a couple years ago and I didn’t have a problem anymore. 

Now, a lot of the weight I had lost is backed, granted I’m not considered “obese” just overweight, in actuality. But all of the things being drilled into my head, especially from my brother these days and not being happy with my body lately and being single and having a guy say he would rather stay friends because he prefers girls more physically fit, him being an athlete. I understand that, everybody understands that. I don’t want a guy who is lazy/not physically fit. Anyways, off topic. I can feel the relapse coming on. I can feel myself getting sick just thinking about putting food into my mouth. I ate two meals today. Both, made me feel really sick. I can feel myself starting to hate my body again, and it’s making me cry knowing all too well what’s about to happen next. I know I’m going to get depressed, I’m going to eat very little, I’m going to hate my body. I can feel myself sinking into this hole, slowly, but surely. I don’t know how to get out of it alone or healthily. I have a hard time losing weight, I have a slow metabolism and it’s just physically hard for me to lose weight and always has been. I’m scared this time, though. I’m scared I’m going to let it take a hold of me. I beg my parents to buy healthy foods, to get a gym membership, to get diet pills… anything that isn’t bad for me to do in order to lose weight, but they just don’t listen. My mom doesn’t care, she doesn’t bother to open up her ears and eyes to really hear me… to hear my silent cry and pleading for help. 

The relapse is coming and I don’t know what to do about it or how to overcome the battle. And all I really want in this moment, is a hug and for somebody to tell me it’s going to be okay. 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo

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13 thoughts on “The Relapse”

  1. I have been there too. It’s good you realise it. And it will be ok. Tell your friends how you feel. Make a healthy eating plan and make yourself eat it. You know you don’t want to go back to such a dark and lonely place. And you don’t have to. X

    1. its a terrible place and i wish people didnt have to suffer from it, and i’m trying. i woke up today thinking its a brand new day and i have hope for the best, and i know i dont want to and dont have to, i’m trying to tell people so im hoping for the best (:

  2. I would hug you so hard if I could. Stay strong girl. You’re gorgeous and I have all the faith in the world in you ❤

  3. Seeing it coming and sharing it is the first step. This is the way to prevent any relapse. And even though you feel the pull and the voices in your head fight them. Tell them what you want…to be strong and happy and healthy. Distract by doing loving things for yourself. Talk to your friends. Join a support group in your area if they have one. Keep writing about it but don’t give in to the cycle of “addiction” ….because disordered eating is an addiction…and the depression that comes with it/before it is so overwhelming and dark. I’ve been reading your stuff…you are passionate and loving and full of hope….hang on to that.
    sending a cyber hug. I know in my heart it is going to be okay. You are going to be okay ….for real….

    1. yeah, i figured sharing it would help! and i’m trying, its so hard when there are voices in my head and voices from my family :/ but i am trying! eating disorders are addiction and i’ve heard they are one of the hardest things to cure because there is no medicine for it and some other reason that has to do neurologically, but i cant remember what it was. and yeah, the depression that comes with it is terrible, i hated it and i just keep on hoping every single new morning i wake up. and thanks alot, i really appreciate it, it’s always nice to hear positive words and that it’s going to be okay (: thank you it means alot

  4. I’m so glad you shared this. I want you to know that you are not alone. I wish I could give you a big hug! I want you to know that you’ll be ok. I want you to write down 5 things that really make you happy. Healthy simple happy things. Every time you get emotional and upset, you need to do them. Something that will make you content again. Be strong! Use all of this negative energy that you get from your family into motivation. Let this light the fire inside of you. Show them wrong. Study hard, go for walks, work hard and love yourself and who you are. I have a similar upbringing to yours. After a few years and therapy I understand my mum a lot more and I have learned a lot about myself and how to manage my feelings. Have you thought about therapy? It gives you someone to talk to without the fear of being judged. It was the best thing I;ve ever done. Reading books about similar things I was going through helped me a lot too. Stay positive lovely! I don’t want you to feel so harsh on yourself. I’m always here if you want someone to listen. Sending lots of love and positive energy your way! xxx

  5. Growing up I was always ridiculed for my weight, like you my family were the worst offenders. No matter what I have weighed over the years people have felt the need to comment. When I am fit and healthy there is always someone telling me I am chubby, while someone else is nagging me to gain a few pounds. In the same day I can be called fat and skinny! When I am neither fat nor skinny. I have body dysmorphia so I see myself as fat irrespective of what the mirror or scale say. The only way I know to deal with it personally is to exercise daily (not overexercise mind you and not as a punishment). I never skip meals, and if I need to drop a few because I am actually overweight I go low GI.I never ever cut calories just the low GI. I have Hypothyroidism and cutting calories does nothing but make me hungry and miserable. I just can’t think of what people say and I remind myself that the people making those awful comments actually feel just like I do inside, they feel like shit frankly and instead of turning their anger inward, they are turning outward. 90 percent of the time they are screaming at you the very things they feel about themselves. Sometimes we just get mixed up in someone else’s internal war. I just aim to feel good/healthy (no measurements) and when you feel good you look good because confidence is sexy. If you feel a relapse coming on please seek counseling immediately. Do not try and shoulder this alone, anorexia is a serious disease. I wish you the best sweetie (hugs)

    1. thank you sooo much (: it is reassuring, not in a bad way, that people have been through the same thing, its good knowing that we all are not all alone during tough times and there is always somebody there to help! and its so unfortunate that people care that much about weight :/ cant we all just be happy and not have to worry what people say?! if only!

      1. good! you should be! and thank you so much, it’s so nice to hear that, and that my spirit is coming through my words (: thats sweet! and thank you! haha my own little cheering team!

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