Deep in thought tonight and in a very vulnerable, heartbroken, lonely place.
We had started off as friends, a couple years ago. I thought he was a cool guy, and we were neighbors. I was in a relationship, he went off into the army. When my relationship ended, I contacted him. We started talking, and talking turned into flirting, and flirting turned into liking. He was the first guy I liked after my ex. He was so real, or so I thought.
A month or two after we started talking, things seemed to be at a halt between us. It didn’t seem to be going anywhere, not that it could have gone farther due to him being at base in New York and me being in California. But his feelings hadn’t seemed to be progressing, but mine had. However, I had cooled down with my ex and had started talking to him again, not even flirting. Just as friends. I told my army boy about this, and he didn’t object. He didn’t say anything, he said okay. I took this as he didn’t care much. I took this as he didn’t like me this much. Wouldn’t you? Maybe he was just quiet, or didn’t want to ruin something. But if he had liked me like he said, wouldn’t he have said something?
We then stopped talking for a couple months… my ex and I break up again. I texted him to see what was up, and find out he was coming home for a visit. I got excited. He said he still liked me, and truthfully I still had feelings for him. So when he gets home, we meet up. We talk, we fool around and then one night I started asking him questions over text. I started asking him how he felt about me, because I knew something was up. Something was off, and I had a gut feeling about it.
He said he didn’t have feelings for me anymore, because of how I went back to my ex. I have so many questions about that, but I never asked him. Why would you lie to me and say you like me and get my hopes up for nothing? Why did you not stop me? I wouldn’t have gone back to him if you had stopped me, even if in the tiniest of ways. Why? Why would you lie?
He said he just wanted a friend with benefits. Stupid me. I should have said no right there. We met up to fool around that night. What was going through my head, was me thinking that I could get him back somehow by showing him what he was missing. I could have sworn I had it in the bag too, because he said I was the best he had ever been pleased by. Thinking back at it, was it just a lie to butter me up? It didn’t seem like a lie when we were together, he seemed extremely into it. Very, very extremely into it.
He said he didn’t want to get into a relationship before he would be deploying. I understood that, and I told him I did. That seems like a very plausible excuse, and I felt it was a very solid thing to say. I fell for it, just like I fell for him.
We were at a party one night, and I saw he was texting a girl he had been talking to. I jokingly said, “Texting your girlfriend?” and he responded with “Possibly future girlfriend”. My heart crushed into a tiny million pieces that night.
He left not that long after. We met up on the street corner in between our houses. I had raced home from having dinner with a friend. I waited for him. I watched him walk up for the last time, I felt him wrap his arms around me and we said our goodbyes. We sealed our goodbyes with a simple kiss. I watched him walk away.
A few weeks after he was back at New York, not the same girl he had been texting because she had messed everything up with him, he was talking to another girl. Very soon after that… the “in a relationship” status popped up on Facebook. My heart… my feelings… our kisses… our midnight moonlit meetings. She isn’t even cute. Whatever.
After not talking, since really he left California I texted him just the other day. I wanted to talk to him one last time before he deploys on Sunday. Gone, for nine months. It was kind of awkward, and it seemed like he didn’t really want to talk, yet he still texted back right away. It was a bit of small talk, and I asked him a favor. I asked if he could text me when he got back to let me know he was okay and got back safely. He said okay. We talked very shortly unfortunately, though it wasn’t the same because he has his girlfriend. It was so bittersweet, I was glad I got to talk to him before he left… but I still have sooooo much to say to him. I wish I could say it but I don’t want his girlfriend to see any of it or get upset right before he leaves.
Was I not good enough for you? Why did you lie to me? Was it something I said? Why couldn’t you be straightforward with me? What does she have that I don’t? I could have been perfect for you. We were almost lovers. I’m sorry I got back with my ex. You should have objected somehow! I would have stayed. You brought me heartache. I still think about you all the time. I still have feelings for you. And it kills me seeing her tag you in statuses all the time on Facebook out there in New York. You have a girl here, hurt and broken hearted over here in California, across the country. I try not to think about you, and some days I don’t. I wish you weren’t deploying. My heart aches knowing that you are. Knowing you will disappear for nine months. I still don’t even know why I have these feelings for you when you blatantly lied to me about not wanting to get in a relationship with somebody and then boom, you’re with her. Why? Why did you do it? I feel so stuck in my thoughts knowing you leave this Sunday. This Sunday, I’m going to cry. Why? For you, because of you… because she’ll be hugging you goodbye, kissing you, loving you… while I’m just standing by. Goodbye.
With all the love in my body,