Why is it, that intentionally or unintentionally, the good ones end up getting hurt?
So, as you all know, my ex blocked my number and that he called me last weekend, and he never called back after that. Today, however, I was making lunch and guess who calls? D. In the millisecond I had to think, something in me made me pick up the phone. His voice sounded so familiar, so comforting. I hated him for a while. I despised him, loathed him, never wanted to talk to him or even look at him, but I got over it.
We talked for maybe half an hour on the phone, and caught up on what had been going on. I thought the conversation seemed a bit like small talk, and on my part, I didn’t feel those feelings I once felt. It felt like talking to a friend. Things were going somewhat smoothly. As smoothly as two ex’s talking after some months of breaking up can be.
He asked to see me tonight, at a restaurant to meet up and talk in person. I said sure, as long as it wasn’t a date.
That’s when things got bad.
He told me he didn’t block me because he didn’t want to talk to me, he blocked me because he was and still very much is deeply in love with me and that I broke him. I was the person, I was THAT person in the relationship who breaks the other person for forever. The one that ruined them. That realization has been hitting me a lot. I didn’t do it on purpose, and I never wanted to hurt him, but I did. Even if he still always has a place in my heart.
Then I told him that if I were to meet him tonight, he shouldn’t hope that we get back together because I still felt the same way I did, that I don’t want to get back together. And needless to say, we didn’t meet up, since I am writing this post right now.
And that’s when things got worse.
He told me that during the last few months of our relationship, he was the happiest he ever was, because he was financially able to spoil me, to support our relationship and that was what he had always wanted to do for me, and for us. He told me that still, he would give everything to cuddle with me, to have my head rest on his chest in that spot I love and to have his hand on my hip, in that spot that he loves.
And that’s when things hit rock bottom, and my heart.
He told me he had been secretly (I’m assuming when we were together) taking guitar lessons for our five year anniversary, along with many other things he was planning. That killed me. I felt like the worst person in the world. He knows how much I love a guy who can play guitar, he knew how much it meant to me. He had always had a guitar, but didn’t fully know how to play. I always commented on it saying he should learn how to. That pulled at my heart strings, just as he had been pulling at his guitar strings.
I don’t feel like getting back together with him, don’t get me wrong. But the fact that I gave up a great guy… that kills me. Now, all I’m dealing with is losers or jerks. I hate that I ruined and broke him. Maybe dealing with all the losers and jerks is karma.
Why is it always the good ones? Why are we the ones who end up taking the pain?
With all the love in my body,