I’m not perfect. I do stupid things. I’m young. And on Friday night, I did another stupid thing. But I’m not sure if it’s actually stupid yet.
I was driving my friend, J, home and we were on the subject of relationships. Out of nowhere he asked me if I remembered our little “fling” we had a couple years ago and I said I did. I told him he was the only time I ever went after a younger guy, and the only one I will ever go after now because he was stupid and rude and immature about it all. He’s only a year younger than I am, but still. I won’t get into details about our fling a couple years ago, because there isn’t much to say about it, to be honest. Since then, he had become close with my brother, and was over a lot so we had developed a kind of brother/sister relationship.
I dropped him off at his house and then drove back home. I texted him asking why out of nowhere he asked if I remembered our fling. He then told me that he wanted to make out, plain and simple, but he didn’t want to make a move and have me reject him and then it be awkward when he came over. He begged me to come back down to his house, and I said no at first. Then he told me how he had wanted me for a long time. That surprised me. I never would have guessed. Then he made the point that he would rather make out with somebody he was comfortable with, than somebody he didn’t know. I had to agree with that point, and it has been two or three months since I had touched a guy or been kissed. I thought why not? I then drove down to meet him and in the back of my car, with me laying down and him on top… there we were. Making out. Never in the longest time had I pictured us there. It was so out of nowhere and so random.
A thought popped into my head, though. Had he just said those things and not meant them to get me to come down there? Did he mean any of it at all or was he just telling me something he knew I would’ve liked to hear to get in my pants? He had just been saying this about guys less than an hour earlier. I couldn’t help but wonder, and I still can’t help but wonder. Did I feed into something stupid? Should I have just stayed home? I don’t regret going, because he’s a good kisser but… am I really that gullible? Or did he mean any of it?
I found myself in that moment, when we were done, lying next to him in the back of the car. It felt nice to have a body next to me, even if I didn’t like him that way. It was nice to hear somebody breathing next to me, to hear their heart beat loudly. To hear a familiar voice.
These days, I find myself just looking for a moment of want, a moment of need, a moment of brief passion. In some way, for now, I have given up on finding love. It seems that these days, it’s getting harder to find. If it’s just the boys in my area or what who treat girls so badly, who are jerks, I don’t know. All I’m asking for lately, is just for a moment to be held, to be kissed because I know in the next few moments it will be gone. I have learned to be treated badly, to be lied to, to be used, to be let down.
With all the love in my body,