Chaos

“I myself am made of flaws entirely stitched up with good intentions” 

“I’m a sinner, I’m a saint” 

I find myself relating to these quotes these days. I am not perfect in any way, shape or form and you will never hear me say I am. I sin all the time while at the same time, I don’t mean harm. I have good intentions with everything I do. But sometimes things just don’t happen that way. 

I look for “love” in all the wrong places and ways. I flirt with all these guys and I give pieces of myself to all of them without me knowing because I’m just that type of person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and these days it’s disappearing, going away with each one of those guys that I know it shouldn’t be going to, but it does. At this moment, I’m flirting with country boy. He’s a different story, but earlier at the same time as flirting with him, I was flirting with another guy I don’t even know, on the other side of the country. What’s wrong with me? Is this the single life? Is this normal? I don’t feel it is. 

And I feel that anything I touch, I’m going to mess up. I feel like anytime something happens with a guy, he just disappears. I might be meeting country boy in an hour… but I’m scared. I’m scared afterwards he’s just going to poof from my life. I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want to mess things up with him… but what am I going to do? I’m probably going to meet him anyways.

I know I’m doing it but I can’t help it. I’m looking for love in the arms of strangers. At the same time, I’m not even sure it’s love I’m looking for. 

So then, what am I looking for?

I want a relationship, I want love but it just seems so far out of my grasp these days and not in the cards for me. I don’t want to just settle for a boy either. I want to be sure it’s something I want, and he is something I want. I can’t even explain how I feel, what I’m looking for or why I’m doing the things I’m doing. 

I’m a mess, to say the least. 

I’m a mess of chaos all in my head, though you’d never know from the outside. 

I wish I had answers. 

I wish I could find a guy already that I could be with. 

I’m a relationship type of girl. 

At least I think I am. 

I kind of enjoy the single life. 

Then I think I’d enjoy a relationship more if I found the right guy. 

Why? 

And then I think, I’m right where I’m supposed to be in life. I’m doing exactly what fate has in store for me. 

All of this, all of what I’m doing, all of the guys… they’re just little bits in the grand scheme of things. 

Right? 

Can I just get a sign that things will get better? That things are going how they’re supposed to and I’m on the right track? 

P.S. – I apologize for the messy post. This isn’t even as messy as my head is at the moment, either. I wish it were clean, I wish my head wasn’t so chaotic. 

I wish my head was made of stream, sleek lines that were shiny and ran parallel to each other. 

Instead, they’re all over train tracks going in every which way, yet somehow… they all still work together. 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo

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4 thoughts on “Chaos”

  1. Try not to overcomplicate things. I don’t think there is a “right track”. Life usually laughs in our face when we try to control it. It’s a big random stream of unpredictability. We meet people on accident, we get invested, or we get bored, we say the wrong thing, or they do, we break hearts, or we get ours shattered. Try to pick out the positive things in everything that life throws at you. Every life experience has a lesson to be learned so try to enjoy the ride.

    1. this is true! all these thoughts keep running through my head but i keep telling myself to stop and that whatever happened happened and its done with and if its meant to be itll be! but we do need to enjoy the ride more often!

  2. Hey you– It’s probably no comfort but I have felt all of these things at various times in my life. I have piles of journals to prove my point but, unfortunately, those are slated to be dropped in the depths of the ocean (Titanic style) if I die an untimely death because no one is allowed to read their squalor.

    I hope things went well with country boy– I don’t think it’s wrong to be flirting and talking to multiple guys; that really is the single life. But you have to watch out for yourself and only do what you know you are comfortable with. Establish those things that make you feel good and make you feel like “yes, this is what life is supposed to be” and those things that are like “shit, what have I done” and learn to recognize the difference between the two. That’s like top therapist advice right there 😉 (RIIIIGHT….) But I think you are experiencing normal things and thoughts– don’t worry yourself too much. You aren’t cursed to ruin everything you touch. Nope.

    1. its unfortunate we have to go through these things! cant we just skip the mess and get it right the first time? that would be so much easier, but no we have to go through all these frogs (most of them i really question if theyre even human or not, boys are terrible) to find the right guy!

      and thank you for the top therapist advice! hahaha it helps (:

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