It’s been one of those Saturdays. The kinds where you curl up in a ball on the couch with your warm Caramel Brulee latte in hand watching Christmas movies (the ones on Hallmark no less, two months before Christmas, even more less than no less) and reruns of Friends.
Aside from the usual being lonely, lost and kind of empty every now and then these days, I am almost in the midst of coming to terms with something. Something very private and unfortunate to me.
I was watching the episode of Friends, for those of you who have watched it, where Rachel and Ross brought their baby girl into the world. It was the part after Rachel had just given birth to the baby and she was holding Emma with Ross right next to her. Ross kissed Emma on the head, and then kissed Rachel and in that moment, I started almost crying. I could feel the love they were trying to portray in the show. The unbreakable, unconditional love of a family and the love of a newborn baby. That very special moment between a newborn daughter and a new mom.
I was never the one that wanted children. For a while, I was so against it. I liked kids, but just didn’t think they would be a good match for me. I wanted to be able to travel the world for my life, and to have money. I know that sounds selfish, but coming from a family who is so broke because of us kids… I want to strive to have money and not struggle like I have my whole life. And honestly, the whole idea of something six pounds plus coming out of me? Well… let’s just say it makes me cringe. I read that giving birth is the equivalent pain to breaking 20 bones. Whoo. And still, that scares the living daylights out of me. That shouldn’t be possible. Why can’t guys give birth? Why? Don’t girls have to go through enough? Male seahorses deal with the babies, I believe they’re the only species. Way to go, male seahorses. You are truly incredible and if we could have human males like that… I’m jealous of you female seahorses. Lucky girls.
But admittedly, for some reason this past year the thought of having kids one day has been on my mind. I even have names picked out. Josslyn(Josie) or Chloe for a girl and Sawyer or Luke for a boy. I always said if I ever had a girl, I would be the mother to her that my mom was never to me. Maybe that’s part of the drive of why I want to have a baby girl so badly one day.
But, there is a problem with this idea.
Just recently, I found out I have a hormone imbalance. I went to the doctors to figure out (sorry if this is tmi for some of you readers) why I hadn’t gotten my period since June (It’s currently November, and still no sign). Well, one of the symptoms of a hormone imbalance is infertility/trouble with getting pregnant/miscarriages. Knowing that my period has always been irregular… this is a tough pill to swallow. I’m really young and shouldn’t be worrying about this, but still. It’s hard. Knowing that if I do end up deciding I for sure want kids, having one personally might not be possible to me. It makes me sick to think about.
So, I remembered with my little bit of psychology background, something about eating disorders messing you up. So I did some research, and turns out having an eating disorder can leave you with an imbalance in your body/having trouble getting pregnant/miscarriages.
I feel like I did this to myself. Like I messed up my future and I have no one to blame but myself.
With all the love in my body,