Only Myself to Blame

It’s been one of those Saturdays. The kinds where you curl up in a ball on the couch with your warm Caramel Brulee latte in hand watching Christmas movies (the ones on Hallmark no less, two months before Christmas, even more less than no less) and reruns of Friends. 

Aside from the usual being lonely, lost and kind of empty every now and then these days, I am almost in the midst of coming to terms with something. Something very private and unfortunate to me. 

I was watching the episode of Friends, for those of you who have watched it, where Rachel and Ross brought their baby girl into the world. It was the part after Rachel had just given birth to the baby and she was holding Emma with Ross right next to her. Ross kissed Emma on the head, and then kissed Rachel and in that moment, I started almost crying. I could feel the love they were trying to portray in the show. The unbreakable, unconditional love of a family and the love of a newborn baby. That very special moment between a newborn daughter and a new mom. 

I was never the one that wanted children. For a while, I was so against it. I liked kids, but just didn’t think they would be a good match for me. I wanted to be able to travel the world for my life, and to have money. I know that sounds selfish, but coming from a family who is so broke because of us kids… I want to strive to have money and not struggle like I have my whole life. And honestly, the whole idea of something six pounds plus coming out of me? Well… let’s just say it makes me cringe. I read that giving birth is the equivalent pain to breaking 20 bones. Whoo. And still, that scares the living daylights out of me. That shouldn’t be possible. Why can’t guys give birth? Why? Don’t girls have to go through enough? Male seahorses deal with the babies, I believe they’re the only species. Way to go, male seahorses. You are truly incredible and if we could have human males like that… I’m jealous of you female seahorses. Lucky girls. 

But admittedly, for some reason this past year the thought of having kids one day has been on my mind. I even have names picked out. Josslyn(Josie) or Chloe for a girl and Sawyer or Luke for a boy. I always said if I ever had a girl, I would be the mother to her that my mom was never to me. Maybe that’s part of the drive of why I want to have a baby girl so badly one day. 

But, there is a problem with this idea. 

Just recently, I found out I have a hormone imbalance. I went to the doctors to figure out (sorry if this is tmi for some of you readers) why I hadn’t gotten my period since June (It’s currently November, and still no sign). Well, one of the symptoms of a hormone imbalance is infertility/trouble with getting pregnant/miscarriages. Knowing that my period has always been irregular… this is a tough pill to swallow. I’m really young and shouldn’t be worrying about this, but still. It’s hard. Knowing that if I do end up deciding I for sure want kids, having one personally might not be possible to me. It makes me sick to think about. 

So, I remembered with my little bit of psychology background, something about eating disorders messing you up. So I did some research, and turns out having an eating disorder can leave you with an imbalance in your body/having trouble getting pregnant/miscarriages. 

I feel like I did this to myself. Like I messed up my future and I have no one to blame but myself. 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo 

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11 thoughts on “Only Myself to Blame”

  1. Wow. I really appreciate your honesty in this post. Thank you so much for sharing. It’s always really inspiring and moving when I come across posts such as this one on my dash. It sounds like you have been through a lot and are still dealing with the aftermath of it all, but try not to blame yourself. You didn’t mess up your future. You did what you had to, to survive. That in itself is an incredibly powerful thing. Don’t lose sight of that. Stay true to yourself and continue on. Your journey is not yet complete and from what I can tell-great things lie ahead for you.

    1. no problem, this is how i vent, and so if it helps others or lets them know theyre not alone in things then im glad and maybe my honesty will help other people to be honest to themselves too! but thank you so much for the kind words, they really do mean alot (: they brought tears to my eyes! its really sweet of you

  2. Awww sweetie I am sad to hear that. I was able to have a child and I admit we just didn’t know. I had had surgery and I had some scarring and some other issues on top of that Sam had been hit by a car at 13 and had almost lost his nuts, he had surgery and luckily they saved them both but that kind of damage at that prime age. I have been pregnant only once and she is right in front of me. I won’t have anymore I have to be on birth control because of hormonal problems. Sometimes you get a miracle. I hope if you decide on children you get a miracle.

    1. that is crazy! your love and life story seems to just be a miracle! you are really living it and it is amazing i have to say (: i am so glad that her right in front of you! and me too ): fingers crossed for now, i still have plenty of years to go until i have to worry about it more than i am, but thank you for the nice wish and kind words (:

  3. I’m on the implant now and get no periods. Although there is no longer a need for birth control, I love not having cramps and pms. Before that, my periods were crazy irregular. And I had the eating issues in the past too. But look at some of the people who get pregnant. Nicole Richie when she was soooo skinny. Hormones are a bitch. Anyway, not sure what my point is. I had names picked out too. I never considered that I wouldn’t have kids with my ex. I guess my point is, you’re not alone and try not to worry. I watched Friends all day yesterday too!

  4. I really enjoyed your candor thank you for your story! In addition to your honesty the seahorse bit was super funny lol. I have a 10 year old (makes me feel ancient) 😉 I gave birth in 20 min with no drugs…yikes right? Well you honestly forget the pain that’s why we reproduce and reproduce lol. Also I don’t know much about your eating disorder but I am a nurse and I have seen only a few cases where younger women have had issues with pregnancy. My sister was one of them she yo-yo dieted her whole life. She has a tilted uterus cysts on her ovaries and a hormonal imbalance which caused her to have an irregular period she has been pregnant 4 times and had 4 live births with a 3% chance of ever getting pregnant naturally (she got pregnant naturally all 4 times). This is why we call it practicing medicine lol. What you are probably experiencing is your clock ticking that coupled with feeling alone or emotional would probably make anyone freak out. Don’t worry so much right now I have seen many women well in to their 30s and mid 40s still having normal healthy children! xoxo cheer up hon! -K

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