All of these 2014 posts and end of year posts have got me inspired.
We’re in the home stretch right now, with the last couple weeks of 2013.
The start of my 2013 year, to be blunt with you, sucked. Actually, this time last year sucked. It was terrible.
I was fighting with my ex every day, it was awkward, uncomfortable and you could tell a breakup was about to happen. I remember we were both miserable at the time and everything was all bad. There was something in the air that seemed so stiff all the time between us, and everybody was all tense. My best friend life was going bad, because two’s a company but three’s a crowd. My best friend K and I were getting along great, however, our third… well, that’s really for another story. Let’s just say she was like a jealous boyfriend. It was all bad.
And can we not forget about the world “ending” on December 21st, 2012? Yeah. Look how far we’ve come from that. Hard to believe that was just last year. And would ya look at that? We’re all still here. Unfortunately. Kidding.
Actually, there are some people that could’ve been better off gone. That may seem harsh, but you know we all have those people.
My ex and I broke up sometime between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I remember because I was single on New Year’s Eve, and Christmas Eve we had a fight. He had commented on a picture of mine that I had sent to him to show him how pretty I was looking and I felt good, and he picked it apart. He had never done that before. I knew at that time, we were going to break up very quickly.
So for the first time in years, I rung in the New Year with no kiss, miserable, single and lonely. I went home New Year’s Eve early from a family party and dyed my hair. Because all newly single girls do that, right? We all try to change ourselves in some way. Why is that? Hmmm.
It was my first single Valentine’s day in years, also. It wasn’t too bad. At that point I was kind of happy not being in a relationship with him. We were arguing constantly, getting down each other’s throats, and everything was terrible.
By the time my birthday rolled around, I was doing okay. A couple weeks after that, I started talking to army boy. Things were going amazing, he was amazing. I always knew there was something between us and we were talking for a couple months.
May rolls around and I give my ex another chance, because I was weak for him. He had this type of control over me and I felt bad. I gave up army boy for him. Which, in the end, turned around and bit me in the ass. I lost out a great guy for my ex. After all the hell my ex put me through during our breakup, yet I still took him back. We were doing well, although for me I knew this was our last and final chance. It was still awkward on my end, even though he was the happiest he had ever been. I hid it for a while, and pushed the feelings aside to make him happy.
When you’re in a committed relationship with somebody, you try to do everything you can to make them happy, and sometimes that even means yourself being miserable. We put their needs first, but then we need to realize that we matter, too. And it’s not fair to either of us to be there, if you’re not going to be fully there. Soon, I became depressed, miserable and not even happy to see him anymore. Kissing him made me sick, hanging out with him bored me, I wasn’t interested in having conversations with him and quite frankly… my heart wasn’t there anymore. I shut down emotionally and for the first time in my life, I knew I was going to break up with him. Everybody knew I was head over heels in love with him, and they all thought I was the weaker one of us two and would never do such a thing. But on July 16th, I dropped the bomb on him.
The bomb that started World War III between us. I shut down because he wouldn’t leave me alone, and I rarely shut down on someone. He was begging me non-stop, wouldn’t let me have time to breathe or think, so I became a bitch to him, I admit. I explained to him over and over I just needed space and he wouldn’t leave me alone. This went on for weeks, then he let me breathe. And then he started talking to me again and it was arguments… actually, no, it was more of fighting. Full-blown, yelling, screaming, cussing fighting. We’ve never had a worse fight, it was the worst we had ever been. He couldn’t accept the fact I broke up with him. Things were rock bottom between us.
And then, I suddenly bloomed. The point of us breaking up, was so I could find myself more. I had been so lost with him, always thinking of what to do that wouldn’t affect him, or make him mad. I needed time for myself. I was suffocating with him.
For weeks, maybe even months, I couldn’t catch a break with him. Thankfully, these past few months he’s done his own thing with us talking very rarely.
But in between July and now, I had been going left and right with guys. All of them turning out bad. I was used, lied to, cheated with, led on… so many stories in so little time. I was starting to think something was wrong with me. But I realized, I just needed to take a step back and let things go. If things weren’t going well with a guy, I learned to accept it and move on because it wasn’t right.
But I learned, and I grew.
I got a lot more courage, more balls, I learned to defend myself more, I learned to not take people’s bullshit that was unnecessary and I’ve blossomed and grown up more.
Now that it’s the end of 2013, things have come full circle. I’m talking to a couple of great guys and only time will tell which one will work out.
2013 was one of the longest years of my life, but it changed me. For good. Sure, it had it’s bad moments, weeks and months and there were struggles more than I’ve had in most years… the good over powers all that. I learned so much about myself, and friendships grew stronger, and the ones that were sour fell apart.
I have good feelings about 2014, it’s going to be a huge, adventure packed year. It’s going to be new and exciting. I’m ready for it. I’m ready to grab the bull by the horn and ride this thing we call life.
I’m so passionate about life. I know life moves on and things will always get better, no matter how long it takes, they will. So after the hell I went through with my ex, I’m now ready to begin a new one with somebody else. I’m moving on, and saying goodbye to 2013.
I’m ready, let’s do this!
2013 was good, but 2014 is going to be even better. It’s going to be a passionate, head on, dive right into it kind of year, I feel.
I’m not really going to make a list of resolutions, but I know one thing. I want to live my life, and enjoy this new chapter of it, no matter what.
With all the love in my body,