There are days and nights where I just feel like why do I even bother? Why do I even bother with certain things, or things in general? Sometimes, it all feels like wasted effort. I try so hard on my end to make people happy, to try and make them smile or laugh and sometimes I’m never sure if it works. I get so little feedback that I have no idea if I’m doing anything right or if it’s working. I’m not a person that needs constant affirmation, but hell, something every now and then would work. I get in depressed moods every now and then, just like tonight and it sucks. I feel so lost in everything and I just want to curl up in my bed and stare blankly at the walls wondering what the hell I’m doing wrong.
I have to keep myself occupied because the thoughts I have drive me crazy and up the walls. My mind works in every way all at the same time. There’s no off switch for it, and it’s like this all day unless I’m focused on something. Even then, I’ll be doing something and they come back. Like right now, for example. I’m writing this blog but at the same time I have a thousand different things going on in my head. When I look away from writing, or I stop, the thoughts just pound me. A thought of wanting to text my ex to see how he’s doing because I haven’t heard from him since Thanksgiving and I’m curious to see how he’s doing. But I know I shouldn’t and I’m trying to keep busy from doing that. I know the repercussions of that. It could start a fight between us or he might get upset. I don’t want either because quite frankly, I don’t have the energy for it. So I’m trying to keep myself busy.
Another crazy thought I have is, School boy and I have been talking for a few months and it’s moved forward in certain aspects… but in a lot, it hasn’t. We haven’t seen each other in a month, but he’s had time for friends. I ask him every now and then when we’re going to hang out or do something, but I’m not going to nag him. There’s going to come a point where the ball is going to be in his court and I’m going to stop asking. I can’t be the only person trying. I know he’s said he likes me, and that he wants to take it slow because he’s been hurt a lot in the past, however there’s a little nagging in my head. Either that he’s not as into me as he says he is or my worst fear: he just wants sex. I’ve been lied to so many times by a guy saying he likes me, wants to take me out on a date and blah blah blah, just to have sex with me. I’m so over it.
I know these thoughts are irrational probably, but it’s unfortunately how my brain works, especially if I’m in one of these “moods”.
Sometimes, you just have to let your heart guide you wherever it takes you. I’m more of a feeler and lead by hunches, gut feelings and what my heart wants more than being a thinker who uses logical explanations. I keep telling myself that my heart will guide me where I need to be and where I’m at is where I’m supposed to be.
There’s that saying “good things come to those who wait”. Well, I sure hope so.
So let your heart, sweetheart, be your compass when you’re lost. – Lady Antabellum
With all the love in my body,