Face It

If you had the chance to get closure, would you?

Now before you go automatically saying yes, really think about it. Any sane person of course would say yes. I would too at first glance. Think about if you could go directly to the source of the problem years later and get the closure you needed, no matter what kind of closure it is and no matter what kind of situation it is.

If years had passed after the situation and you were finally starting to get on with your life the last year or so, after going through years of hell. Even though remnants of you are now partly missing and you could never fully get yourself back, you are healing and making up for the old bits and pieces with new shiny ones. You’ve just gotten a handle on yourself and had some time to rebuild and start new.

Would you then?

Would you dare?

At this point, some of you are black and white on the situation I’m sure. There are some who would point blank say no, they would never go back to that and then the rest may be thinking hell yes, why wouldn’t I?

Either answer is fine, but let me continue.

What if this was the cause of one of your biggest demons? Something that ate away at you for years, still showing its terror once in a while. While all those years, you begged to give the person that did this to you what for. You wanted to let them know the pain they had given to you and how much they had twisted your soul around.

You have the perfect chance after all these years to look this demon straight in the eyes and show them.

Are you brave enough?

Or in some way has sorting through your issues on your own been enough closure for you personally?

Maybe you worked through and found the closure yourself. But for some of us, the wounds never truly heal, we just find better ways to take care of it. Personally for me, my wound hasn’t truly healed after these last 6 years because I am left with a demon that will unfortunately be with me for the rest of my life. Tons of kids go through bully and unintentional psychological abuse that stays with them.

I’m one of those kids.

I was bullied for my looks, for my weight, for my personality from fourth grade to beginning of seventh grade and then I chose to be home schooled. I was bullied by my best friends at the time, not even kids I barely knew. It was the girls I thought were my friends, the ones I could trust. I didn’t have nearly as much money as them, and my looks were not as pretty as their fresh faces were.

I struggled with acne and weight and along in tow of that, was a low self-esteem so my personality was not as best as it could have been. From the few years of psychological trauma I went through, an eating disorder popped up. I would starve myself sometimes, starting at the young age of 11/12. I desperately wanted to fit in. These girls pressured me ruthlessly to be somebody I wasn’t. The eating disorder kicked my ass to the ground for a few years before it tapered off and I gained some normalcy back. Sometimes it pops up, but I’m a lot stronger now than I was then.

It has been 6 years since I spoke to one of the girls, the primary one that did this and all of a sudden the demon came knocking on my door with a Facebook friend request. I was torn for a little bit about whether or not I wanted to open the door, but being the nosey person I am, I did.

I hit the accept button.

When that request popped up, memories flooded back in my mind because it has been in the last couple of years that I am really regaining myself back. I am becoming whole again, with imperfections and flaws of course. There are still residual issues and problems I face with body dysmorphia all the time and eating disorder symptoms rarely these days.

But all throughout that time, I vowed to myself I would either never talk to those girls again in my life, or if I did I would give them a piece of my mind. I just never thought I would have the chance.

And even though the issue may be under wraps for you and closure isn’t so important at this point, would you sit down across from your demon and have a conversation with it?

Two chairs in one, dark room. One inhabits you and the other is your demon facing you, staring you back after all those years. Maybe the demon looks nothing like a monster and instead, looks like your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. Maybe the demon is a parent or a friend.

Maybe the demon is a reflection.

Somebody or something that doesn’t look threatening, and the thought of them doesn’t faze you. But now, all of a sudden you are right next to them. Are your palms sweating? Did the room get smaller? Darker? Maybe your throat closed up.

Having a conversation with a monster isn’t as easy as you thought it was.

All good things worth having, aren’t easy. If you somehow got the closure you needed by yourself, then why is it so hard to face it head-on?

Maybe we truly do need to conquer our demons and at the very least, make them smaller by conversing with them.

No matter who your demon is, they all need to be fought at some point.

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3 thoughts on “Face It”

  1. I think closure’s a myth. People demand closure from exes and feel like they can’t move on until they get it. Exes don’t owe you anything. I learned that only you can give yourself closure. Sometimes you just won’t get that explanation. And you don’t need to.

    I think that applies to childhood bullies too. It was years ago. You were kids. Those girls probably don’t think that way now; they may even feel bad for the way they behaved then. If you confronted them, you might get an apology, but would it really make a difference in the grand scheme? The psychological damage was done and a simple apology is unlikely to reverse that, sad as it sounds. I guess I try to make myself feel better by saying that all the scars and damage inflicted in the past made me the person I am today, and I like myself.

  2. What a great post! First off, I want to commend you for your bravery. It requires great strength and perseverance to get through what you experience. To learn and mature from it, it takes guts, tears, sweat and heart. But you know what’s even harder? To share your story instead of leaving it in the closet, to face reality and learn from it instead of running away and cursing it.
    I had similar experiences social anxiety, social exclusion, inadequacy and a lot of fears. So I have an idea how rough must it been, and even now at the age of 20, I am still constantly facing these “demons”.
    What I want to share with you is that. Throughout the years of running away and fighting those “demons”. What I learnt was that sooner or later, like you said, we will have to face and minimise them. But also I learned that you can use them as strength, be friends, walk along and even love them at some point. I know that it is easier said than done and it might be rough and draining to see it that way. But what I believe is that every adversity I faced and will face in my life, I have to try and get something from it. I won’t let it hold me back or stain my eyes with filth/hate that will make me loathe this beautiful world.
    Having that said, I would like to encourage you! Choose what suits you best. It may have a great or bad outcome, regardless the result, I am sure you’ll learn something from it.

    You are a beautiful person! Stay strong, take it easy and keep sharing :)!

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