Enough

After breaking up with my nice guy, I felt things were once again at peace with my life. My emotions and gut feelings and instincts were at rest. I could tell it was the right thing for me to do. 

It’s been a week and a half since I broke up with him. 

But now there’s another inner storm arise inside of myself. 

The feeling of not being good enough or pretty enough for somebody. Anybody, in general really. 

For myself. 

I was doing so well and I don’t need a guy to tell me how beautiful I am for me to believe it. That’s not what this is getting at. However, I’m at a low point these past few days with feeling this. 

Some moments I don’t want to look in the mirror. 

Other moments I don’t want people to look at me or talk to me. 

Sometimes, a picture of my best friend will pop up and I think “she is incredibly gorgeous”. Then I feel like I’m in her shadow, the not-so-pretty best friend to her. It’s always been very clear that a lot more people are attracted to her. 

I’ve never been widely known as being gorgeous or anything to that extent. Sure, some guys and girls will say it but sometimes it falls on deaf ears to me. It’s like I don’t even want to hear it. 

I don’t want to be told that. Somehow it just stings. 

And I know I’m not ugly or bad looking. 

I just feel… not enough. 

For myself mostly. 

I don’t even know why I’m feeling this way because I have no reason to and I wish I didn’t. 

Nobody deserves to feel this way. Nobody deserves to feel not enough. 

Not good enough. 

Not pretty enough. 

Not enough. 

Because everybody is and I wish that everybody felt enough. 

I put on makeup nearly every day to try and fill the void inside me. Hoping each and every morning that it will cure everything. 

But it doesn’t. 

I hope it contours just right. I hope it makes my eyes shine well. I hope it makes my face look slimmer. I hope it hides my skin. 

I hope it hides the pain. 

Because not one single person, not even me, should be sitting in their room feeling unworthy, average, dull, and not enough on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon. 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo

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Spring Cleaning

Spring is right around the corner. Here in California, it’s pretty much been spring since summer ended. But in any case, along with everybody else I’m anticipating spring time. Our circadian rhythms are getting in tune with the light staying out longer and we’re starting to feel a need to spring clean. 

Every spring, there is a need for “out with the old, in with the new”. This spring is no exception. We feel the need to take a dip in the spring water filled pond and cleanse all the heaviness of the past year off of our skin. 

It’s like exfoliating. It’s sloughing off everything that has happened and all the shit we have been through. 

Here’s how I see our lives. 

Each year is a short story and there are four chapters. It starts out with spring as the first chapter, then goes to summer, then fall and finally winter. People might argue it starts with winter, but I think of it as us coming out of hibernation and the heaviest, coldest part of the year. We step out into the sun and feel the heat on our skins again, energizing and charging us up again bringing us back to life. It lets us start all over again. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m done with this past year. All the crap, bullshit, lies, and stupidity have got to go. 

I’m kicking the bullshit in the ass and out the door. I’m over the negativity and immaturity. 

Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

I have no more time to deal with people who are fake and are just going to lie to me. 

Only good vibes here, please. 

My short story is starting out at a cross roads with my love life. To be with Mr. Nice Guy, to not be with Mr. Nice guy. To not be is the answer… but when and how to go about it is undecided. 

I don’t want to go right back into a relationship, because I think I want to enjoy the single life some more. While at the same time, I’m over the pointless stuff. 

However, even with all that said… hopefully this chapter is just about having fun, focusing on myself and growing even more. 

Cheers to the year of doing our thangs. 

Out with the old and in with the new. 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Changes

Wow! Long time no blog, right? 

Truthfully… I haven’t had the writing bug much lately. I’m sorry I dropped off the face of the earth guys. It feels like a lot has been going on inside me, while at the same time it’s just been static. 

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss and think of you guys! I feel like you guys are a family to me and have been with me and seen so much and I hope I can keep up with blogging more. Since I started school back up, I haven’t done much because I’m so busy with that. But that’s not an excuse. 

It just hasn’t been in me to write lately. I had so much to say, yet nothing at all it seems. 

There is so much on this blog from my past, like a little archive of memories. It’s safe to say that I’m in a new chapter of my life and I felt the shift in things. 

Things had been going great with Mr. Nice Guy. 

Had? You may ask. 

We’re still together and things are good, don’t get me wrong. But there’s a part of me that is very much where I think that him and I are not going to be good long-term. I’m struggling with this badly right now.

He thinks funny faces are ugly and rude. I make funny faces all the time. 

He doesn’t think a lot of my jokes, and my family’s jokes are funny. My family has a funny and dirty sense of humor, as do I. 

He made a comment, out of not understand I think so I let it slide, that having A.D.D is a type of mental disability so it was a “special needs” type of thing. This was brought up because his professor made an ignorant comment to him about him being tested for that since he was being fidgety in one of his classes. I took that in a little bit offense from my nice guy, seeing as I think I have a minor form of A.D.D. 

He doesn’t like talking about pointless, random, every day things. It has to always be more of a serious conversation for him. My favorite conversations are pointless and random ones. 

He’s kind of needy. If it were up to him, he’d be calling me and talking on the phone all day. I feel like I have to sit down and clear out anything I have to do to be on the phone with him, or with anybody for that matter. Sometimes on the weekend, he’ll call two or three times throughout the day and expects to have multiple hours long conversations and then gets sad and upset when I have to go do something. Ain’t nobody got time for that. This girl has shit to do. Like eating ice cream looking like a hot mess in peace. 

Oh! Let’s not forget that one time him and I were conversing on the phone, and he starts talking about when he’s going to move back here and gets an apartment. He casually said, and I barely caught it before it registered in my brain, “You could visit your family anytime you wanted. I’d probably even go with you.” 

Whoa, whoa, whoa there tiger. 

He had been expecting me to move in with him when he moves back here. I mean, by this upcoming fall when he moves back we’d be together for a long time, but still. Hold your horses there. He’s also brought up the word “forever”. I used to not have a problem with that word. I used it with my ex, but ya know… after a year. Not after a month or two. I realized that forever isn’t always going to happen, even if you want it to. Things change. People change. It’s inevitable. 

He doesn’t really eat carbs. I eat pasta, sandwiches, ice cream, desserts… he rarely eats that stuff. I get it, eating healthy is great and I love to eat healthy… but cheat meals are good. I can’t live without my Ben & Jerry’s. Let’s be real here, no one can have as amazing a relationship with people as they do with Ben & Jerry’s. 

He doesn’t drink alcohol. I love to drink. It’s nice to be able to unwind. I don’t drink all the time, and I wouldn’t even if I was the legal age, but it’d be nice to have girls night in at the house with my bestie watching TV with our dinner and drinks. That would be our thing. We want to go out as well and have some fun. Not sloppy fun, but you know. He didn’t even really like the idea of me saying I was going to keep alcohol in the house. Only for “special occasions”. 

My nice guy is also coming down to visit soon. He wasn’t planning on having sex. That was second in his mind to everything else. It’s been a month since we’ve seen each other… I just don’t even know what to think about that. Sex was the first thing on my mind. It’s natural. 

It’s been a month since we became “official” and it’s only a short time and I want to give it more of a chance. However, that’s hard to do with him being five to six hours away. I can’t test us out physically together and doing things every day. He’s coming down next weekend, though. 

He’s a great guy though… but I’m just not sure anymore. I need y’alls opinions. I’m talking this out and thinking it through before I do anything stupid. This is a battle inside of me right now. He’s an amazing guy and I can’t stress that enough. I have nothing bad to say about him personally, just how him and I conflict with each others opinions and stuff like that. 

I can honestly say I love all of you so much and I hope I get some of your feedback on this. You have no idea how much I take all your opinions to heart and think about them. You guys have helped me go through some serious stuff whether you realize it or not and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Tessellation

As the world is at a hush, a blanket of night falling over the day

Street and store lights bedazzle the infinite and dark blue in the sky

Dew starts forming on the quiet stillness as the bustle rolls away

The stars light up for us, twinkling like soft balls of fire

Brightness in the darkest hour, the moon illuminates outside

Guiding the light down, it makes its way through the window into the room

Soft shadows dance around us, creating a dusky vision

A sleepy you and a sleepy me lie awake, in a world of our own

While others’ chests are faintly heaving and eyes dreaming of lullabies

You are the cynosure of my eyes, a sureness in the unknown of night

And within the sheets two warm bodies covered, our love tessellates  

A sudden frisson explodes in the deepest part of me as your lips hit my bare back

Murmurs of the AC cause our legs to meet somewhere in the middle

Within the dreamy, seclusion of midnight two lives attach together

Every tingling touch, every whisper coming from somnolent lips

Our souls are playful, constantly going back and forth in the still moonlight

Two lovers’ secrets caught inside the discreet opaqueness of night 

 

 

 

I know this is different than my normal blogs, but I used to write poems a lot actually and felt in touch with that side tonight so I hope you enjoyed this! 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Part Two: Momma Mia

Meeting the parents. 

We’ve all been there. That place is nerve-wracking, anxiety provoking and throw up worthy. 

Especially if you’re a girl who is stealing a mom’s only son, whom she is very proud of and he happens to be in the Air Force. 

To her, you’re a little boy stealing, slut who just comes in and takes away her only son. 

That was me. I was that girl. 

Driving to the park to meet his mom and step dad, my mind was full of clutter, my heart pumping and my hands shaking. I knew his mom was a very strong lady, mentally wise. But I also knew she was very nice and sweet. I get there and it seems to be somewhat fine. She complimented me on my eyes, and I complimented her back for looking so young for her age, which she does. His step dad seems to be really cool and laid back. I then went back to their home to meet his three sisters, and one of the sister’s baby. His mom was talking with me, I was talking with one of the sisters and it was somewhat good. Then my nice guy suggests we go, because he wants to return a shirt that was really oversized. 

So, we go to the mall and are in and out between a couple of stores next to each other while he picks out some shirts. Then he ends up losing his wallet somehow, and somebody took it because we couldn’t find it. 

In his wallet, he had a bunch of cash, his credit card, his military ID and his social security card. First thing I told him to do was cancel his card. I knew on the inside he was freaking out but on the outside he kept calm. 

Due to my past experiences with my ex, I was waiting for the big freak out and for him to get extremely pissed and just shut down. 

But he didn’t. I cannot tell you how refreshing that was and just another reason why I love him. 

I took him to a restaurant called Panera (one of my absolute favorites) and bought him food for a change. He ended up loving it, and then I took him to that really romantic spot that overlooks some city lights with a little pond right below. It’s pretty peaceful and quiet and we talked, kissed and hung out. It was romantic and perfect with the moon looking down on us and him hugging me from behind. Thankfully, all of that calmed him down a bit. 

I learned some very disappointing news, though. Before his mom even met me, she already didn’t like me. 

Because I’m white. Mr. Nice Guy comes from a Hispanic family, even though he’s lighter skinned, some of his family is not. She seemed to be the only one who had a problem with me though because I’m white. 

Secondly, he didn’t spend much time with his family even though I told him too. She felt like he was abandoning her to be with me. 

Jesus. Thirdly, she’s going through menopause. 

I have it all going against me, really. 

She actually messaged me yesterday, a kind of rude message actually. 

The back story to what she’s saying is when Scott was looking for a shirt, he got down on one knee and I joked about him proposing to me. We went back to my house real quick so I could grab something and told my mom about the joke. Then it got to the topic on marrying and a good age and all that relationship/long distance stuff. I told her my ideal age to be married is no earlier than 26. 

So, my nice guy apparently went home and was telling his mom about this. 

I wake up to a message from her through Facebook saying “do me a favor and please do not try to get him to marry you just yet”. That’s how the message started and she basically said after that he’s too young and we’ve only been together a short time. His friends aren’t there for him the way his “real” family is. Then she asked me to stop texting him about it through my Facebook message box (whatever that meant, because I hadn’t posted anything about it at all on Facebook even through messaging) and then she said thank you. 

I responded back to her, very politely reassuring her telling her thatmarriage is the last thing on my mind and I’m not trying to steal her son away from her. There was no response back, which my nice guy said is good because it means I’ve made my point. He did however call her, and told her that it was time for him to grow up and he can’t be stuck in that place forever. 

She then proceeded to take away his bed at home and everything that she provides to him since he is so “grown up” now. I felt so terrible for him, but he said she would have done this with any girl. 

Monday was his last day here. On the way to his place to see him off really quick, my mood was fine even though a part of me was sad he had to leave. I didn’t feel any water works, or even thought I would cry. 

I got there and he came out to meet me in his uniform. 

Swoon. Again. 

So we’re walking a little bit, and then comes time to say goodbye. 

Boom. There goes the water works. 

I normally don’t cry in front of people because I always like to appear steady, calm and cool as a cucumber, but I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. All I wanted him to do was stay here, though I know he had to go back up. 

Thankfully in front of him, it was mostly just a few tears rolling down the cheek and it was hard to talk. 

When I got back in the car though, that’s when I really started crying. Monday I was pretty much exhausted from the weekend and so sad that he was gone. I was in bed all day, watching TV and sleeping. It was a very sad day. 

He ended up calling me once he got back to base and just hearing him on the phone made me cry. I wasn’t in the mood to talk, even though all I wanted was for him to be by my side. 

To top Monday off, our hot water went out. So that resulted in no shower after a long weekend, and washing my hair in ice cold water that felt like pins and needles going into my skull. 

Tuesday was a lot better though and I have made a full recovery. I’m still sad that he’s not here and his hand isn’t right next to mine whenever I need to hold it, but it’s one more day down until I get to see him again. 

Overall, our bond grew stronger and the weekend was one of the best weekends of my life. 

We started off as good friends and worked our way to lovers. Now, I consider him my best friend and lover all in one. 

Anytime we say something that upsets the other a little, we talk about it and a few minutes later we’re all good. We get over the stupid, trivial things fast and then we’re right back to joking around and flirting. Him and I both have this feeling that we’re going to be a great couple and I have a lot of faith in us. 

I hope all of you guys have had an amazing weekend and your weeks are going great and I look forward to catching up with all of you! 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Part One: A Night in the Motel

Yet again… I have been absent. I’m so sorry and I love you all and I miss you so very much, but after last weekend time has flown by! Monday and Tuesday I was recovering from the weekend and I didn’t even realize today was Thursday.

So, as you all know my nice guy came down for the weekend. I bet you’re all wondering how that went?

Well… freakin’ amazing.

For the most part.

So Friday night, I get home late from going out to eat with my best friend for dinner. Mr. Nice Guy arrived home around midnight, and we stayed talking on the phone for two and a half hours. I got to sleep, woke up around 6 to take my dad somewhere and got back to bed around 7. Woke up again at 10:30 to get ready for Mr. Nice Guy and he shows up at my door step.

In uniform. Uh, hello lover. My panties seemed to have dropped to the ground.

A uniform just makes any guy 10 times hotter than normal. I’m just saying.

He meets the whole family and the family just absolutely LOVES him. And it’s very hard to please my mom. We ended up driving down to the Santa Monica Pier/Venice Beach, which is about a 45 minute drive from my place.

Can I just say the traffic there is bullshit? It took me 45 to an hour just to find parking once we got there. Although, my nice guy was sweet because he was rubbing my leg, neck and playing with my hair to try and keep me calm. It helped a bit because as I’ve expressed before, I have road rage. Especially when people do not know how to drive.

So we walked down to the pier, and the sun was just above the water and anytime soon it was going to start going down. He could have had his first kiss right there. It would have been perfect, because he wanted something meaningful to be his first kiss. I mean, come on. Could it have gotten any more romantic?

Then he was hungry so we started walking around to try and find restaurants and finally found one. He paid, of course. After that, we walked around a little bit more before going back to the car.

We got closer to home and he started looking up motel rooms for us for the night.

We stopped at a CVS so he could pick up some condoms. I kid you not he stayed in the condom aisle for about ten to fifteen minutes trying to decide what not to get. I told him to get whatever as long as it wasn’t “thin” or “barely there” or whatever the hell else they call those type of condoms. Pretty soon an older couple, who were waiting for their medicine was laughing at me trying to get Mr. Nice Guy to get a condom, suggested jokingly that he get some magnums.

Oh lord.

I started laughing and so did Mr. Nice Guy. At this point I excused myself to go use the bathroom while he, still, stayed in the aisle. I made my way back to him and then we went to pay. True story.

We get to the motel room and it’s actually pretty night. He wanted to take a shower first, so I said fine and sat down on the bed. He took his shirt off and god damn, his back.

Yum.

My heart was pumping already and I suddenly became nervous as he hopped in the shower. Anybody can have meaningless sex, but when it comes to the real stuff? Baring your soul and stripping down everything mentally and physically, that’s hard to do.

After all the showering he comes out and sits down on the bed.

And right there in the motel, he had his first kiss.

So not romantic, right? Personally, I’m a fan of the more unique not so cliche/romantic kind of things. He wasn’t so happy about it, but I think it’s funny and cute and I love that.

We get down to it, and for the first time since my ex, I got some foreplay thank the lord.

Now… time for the not so amazing part.

It was not so good. I know it’s his first time and I’m totally excusing him and I’m not blaming it on him, but his kissing and all that… ay yi yi. He’s a big tongue user. He goes in with his tongue first, instead of his lips. He clangs teeth a lot. His mouth is bigger than mine, so when we did kiss he was pretty much taking in my whole mouth. He is not in the groove of kissing yet at all. It was kind of a turn-off.

But like I said, he’s a beginner so I excused him. Unfortunately, with the short amount of time we had, the teaching process is going to be delayed.

After I was finished, I told him it was his turn. Somehow he took that as I meant that we were done… so he ended up not finishing. I didn’t bring it up until later because he stayed in me for a little bit so I thought he was just quiet about it. Apparently not, though. I felt so bad. I don’t get how he mistook that though.

I woke up in the morning with hickies ALL over my chest and neck. Shit. Kind of made me upset since I’ve never had it that bad and would prefer not to have it that way ever again since my neck was extremely sore. I told him next time not to suck so hard and so much. My hickies are still fading away, and I’ve had them since Saturday night.

That was the not so good part. I know it’s going to be amazing though once he gets the hang of it. The passion that we already have with that? Damn. However, we stayed up until 7 AM talking and cuddling and some kissing.

We discovered that we actually like a good portion of music and even enjoy a really old, unpopular band that most people don’t know about. We also enjoy an old, unpopular movie very much and overall it was amazing just being in there with him all throughout the night, as the world faded away.

We had to wake up at 8 AM about, so we ended up getting about an hour of sleep. We stayed in bed until around 10:30, talking and listening to music and then got ready to check out at 11. I went home and he went home so we could do our own things and he could hang out with his family.

And part two is coming out soon…

Hope you enjoyed this part! Sorry for it being so long, but I have to share my life with you lovely readers and friends!

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Lover Land

I’m stubborn. 

I’ve said that time and time again. 

When I know what I want, I will stick with that and go for it. It’s hard to change my mind to be honest with you. 

So, when I told Mr. Nice Guy that I was very adamant on not becoming an official couple until we had some sort of physical connection, I meant it. I had only given him a friendly hug before. I also knew, in my head, that I wouldn’t be able to fall in love with him as he had fallen in love with me without any physical contact. I thought it was going to take months to fall in love with him because I’ve been jaded by love. 

But lo and behold… I quickly found myself falling for him.

I didn’t intend for it to happen, yet I’m here. Stuck in Lover Land, driving down Schnookums Ave in the back of a pink Range Rover with Cupid as the chauffeur. Everything has a pink tint to it in my rosy sunglasses and ain’t nothing gonna bring this girl down. 

Ain’t no way, no how. I will give you a nice right hook to the face with a dreamy grin on my lips.

Kidding. 

Somehow, someway all of that went out the window. The more I fought it and tried to keep a safe distance, the more I lost. 

It just sort of happened. I have no idea when or how, but I found myself wanting to tell him, all the time, that I loved him. 

I love him. 

It baffles me more than it baffles you, believe me. 

I had set rules. Rules that were needed in order to become a couple with him, in order to fall in love with him. However, as soon as I felt myself falling in love with him there was no point in waiting to make it official. 

So I did. I confessed all of this to my nice guy. We’re official now. 

This girl has found love. Surprisingly, amazingly, lovely, capturing, breath taking love. If it’s this amazing just over text and phone calls, I can’t wait to see how it is when we can hang out as a couple. 

My thoughts have completely belonged to him lately. 

He may be a gentleman, but so far from what we’ve gone over… he knows when to be a man in the bedroom. 

I’m happier than I’ve been in the longest time. I was doing perfectly fine without him, but now that he’s here I don’t want him to leave. 

It’s really insane. I was enjoying the single life and being alone. But Mr. Nice Guy is in the picture now and I have traded all that in without a second guess. 

Unfortunately, he couldn’t come home last week because his bosses didn’t turn in the paperwork in order for him to take leave. Hopefully this weekend he comes down with other people who are driving down this way. 

If he does, Saturday is date day. He’s also saying he’s ready for me to take his v-card, which might happen Saturday night. 

I’m kind of a bit nervous for that. Normally, I don’t care. But for one, this is a serious thing. It isn’t just a one night stand or a friends with benefits and I wouldn’t be nervous for that. This is the real deal, though. It’s meaningful. For two, I told him I’m not rushing or forcing him in to anything. He doesn’t have to do this if he doesn’t want to and I want him to take his time on deciding with this and making a million percent sure that this is what he wants. 

He says it is. 

Truthfully as happy as I am right now, there’s a little part of me that’s scared and nervous. 

I’m jaded by love. My last relationship wasn’t perfect or anywhere close to it. 

I feel very vulnerable. My nice guy is eventually going to work his way into the deepest, darkest parts of me and dig them all up. He’s going to learn about every inch and piece of me. All the secrets, everything that makes me tick in every way. We’ve only brought certain things to the surface and barely touched upon them. 

One night, talking about being bullied and my eating disorder I shed a few tears over the phone. He didn’t know because I never told him, but for the fact I even let that happen just knowing he was there is big for me. 

I know love is about being vulnerable, so here I am. I’m standing with my heart on my sleeve, open arms, and ready to bare all. 

I’m ready to try and be as open as Miley Cyrus’ mouth and va-jayjay. 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo