Fiery Red

Since I left you guys right after I broke up with Mr. Nice Guy, I cannot tell you how unbelievably happy I have been since doing so. He was all wrong for me. He may be a nice guy, but all of you were right. Just because he’s nice doesn’t make him compatible. As bad as it may sound, breaking up with him was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.

The night I saw him after we broke up, I went to go pick him up because I was just being nice. He was coming home on leave and the person he hitched a ride with lived about 40 minutes away from us. He was trying to kiss me and hug me and I was just not having it. It took everything in me not to blow up on him. While in the car ride home, he started going through my phone. Normally, I wouldn’t care. But we just broke up… like dude, really? Personal space?

Then he asks me if he can come hang out with me and my friend that night and I told him no and he BEGGED.

While we were in the car on the way home, he uses MY phone to call MY mom and ask her if I’m doing anything the next day with my family (which I was).

How unbelievable.

There were so many things wrong with our relationship. Past just the normal dysfunctional thing that most people have. After the dust had settled on my end, he messaged my mom six months after we broke up saying he was still in love with me.

About a month or two after Mr. Crazy Guy and I broke up, and you guys might want to sit down for this if you’re not, I get a call from D. The infamous ex, my first and only true love, the one that I wanted to beat to a pulp.

I remember it vividly.

I was at Michael’s, with my mom and we were in line. I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket and I pulled it out to see who was calling.

His name appeared on the screen and my heart completely just stopped. My palms got sweaty and my mind went blank. It had been months since I had heard from him. The buzzing and call went to voicemail. My hands were shaky as I called him back. I had never felt more terrified in my life because I knew what was going to happen.

I know, all you may be thinking what is this girl doing? Is she completely insane?

Well, yes. I am. We started out as friends… for a week.

And then friends with benefits with AMAZING sex. Best sex I’ve ever had, best sex I still have.

That lasted for another week.

And then another week turned into talks about a relationship and well… there we were.

Talking through our problems like adults.

Our relationship has matured so much and, still almost a year later, him and I are together.

Even though it isn’t always perfect and I do sometimes want to give him a good whack in the head I wouldn’t want to whack anybody else. He makes me happy and throughout all the pain and crap, it has brought us back even closer. Which is definitely a cliche thing to say, I know, but it’s true. We may sometimes be feeling polar opposite things and we may not agree on everything, but that keeps things interesting. He respects my opinions and I respect his. We have less fights than we used to, but we do fight and I’m okay with that. There’s not one couple that doesn’t ever fight. But for those fights, the love that we share is so strong.

During the year we were apart, we both grew up a lot and now when we fight, the first thing in our heads isn’t to break up. It’s to want to strangle each other and THEN talk it over.

Because that’s normal and you all know it.

Here I am… a year later. A redhead, with D, in my second year of college, turning 20 in less than a month and yet… no idea what to do with my life.

The best is yet to come.

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The Return

It’s been a year roughly since I last wrote a post. I’ve gone through the months thinking about this blog and feeling sad about disappearing and life for me just got in the way. I miss all of you and feel so bad about not staying in touch. But now I hope to reconnect and catch up with all of you and hopefully you guys will catch up with me as well!

I’m going to try to do at least one blog a week, and hopefully even more because I miss writing. I don’t write enough and writing is something that helps me through whatever I’m trying to get through.

I’m in an amazing place in my life and I hope y’all are too!

Enough

After breaking up with my nice guy, I felt things were once again at peace with my life. My emotions and gut feelings and instincts were at rest. I could tell it was the right thing for me to do. 

It’s been a week and a half since I broke up with him. 

But now there’s another inner storm arise inside of myself. 

The feeling of not being good enough or pretty enough for somebody. Anybody, in general really. 

For myself. 

I was doing so well and I don’t need a guy to tell me how beautiful I am for me to believe it. That’s not what this is getting at. However, I’m at a low point these past few days with feeling this. 

Some moments I don’t want to look in the mirror. 

Other moments I don’t want people to look at me or talk to me. 

Sometimes, a picture of my best friend will pop up and I think “she is incredibly gorgeous”. Then I feel like I’m in her shadow, the not-so-pretty best friend to her. It’s always been very clear that a lot more people are attracted to her. 

I’ve never been widely known as being gorgeous or anything to that extent. Sure, some guys and girls will say it but sometimes it falls on deaf ears to me. It’s like I don’t even want to hear it. 

I don’t want to be told that. Somehow it just stings. 

And I know I’m not ugly or bad looking. 

I just feel… not enough. 

For myself mostly. 

I don’t even know why I’m feeling this way because I have no reason to and I wish I didn’t. 

Nobody deserves to feel this way. Nobody deserves to feel not enough. 

Not good enough. 

Not pretty enough. 

Not enough. 

Because everybody is and I wish that everybody felt enough. 

I put on makeup nearly every day to try and fill the void inside me. Hoping each and every morning that it will cure everything. 

But it doesn’t. 

I hope it contours just right. I hope it makes my eyes shine well. I hope it makes my face look slimmer. I hope it hides my skin. 

I hope it hides the pain. 

Because not one single person, not even me, should be sitting in their room feeling unworthy, average, dull, and not enough on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon. 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Spring Cleaning

Spring is right around the corner. Here in California, it’s pretty much been spring since summer ended. But in any case, along with everybody else I’m anticipating spring time. Our circadian rhythms are getting in tune with the light staying out longer and we’re starting to feel a need to spring clean. 

Every spring, there is a need for “out with the old, in with the new”. This spring is no exception. We feel the need to take a dip in the spring water filled pond and cleanse all the heaviness of the past year off of our skin. 

It’s like exfoliating. It’s sloughing off everything that has happened and all the shit we have been through. 

Here’s how I see our lives. 

Each year is a short story and there are four chapters. It starts out with spring as the first chapter, then goes to summer, then fall and finally winter. People might argue it starts with winter, but I think of it as us coming out of hibernation and the heaviest, coldest part of the year. We step out into the sun and feel the heat on our skins again, energizing and charging us up again bringing us back to life. It lets us start all over again. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m done with this past year. All the crap, bullshit, lies, and stupidity have got to go. 

I’m kicking the bullshit in the ass and out the door. I’m over the negativity and immaturity. 

Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

I have no more time to deal with people who are fake and are just going to lie to me. 

Only good vibes here, please. 

My short story is starting out at a cross roads with my love life. To be with Mr. Nice Guy, to not be with Mr. Nice guy. To not be is the answer… but when and how to go about it is undecided. 

I don’t want to go right back into a relationship, because I think I want to enjoy the single life some more. While at the same time, I’m over the pointless stuff. 

However, even with all that said… hopefully this chapter is just about having fun, focusing on myself and growing even more. 

Cheers to the year of doing our thangs. 

Out with the old and in with the new. 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Changes

Wow! Long time no blog, right? 

Truthfully… I haven’t had the writing bug much lately. I’m sorry I dropped off the face of the earth guys. It feels like a lot has been going on inside me, while at the same time it’s just been static. 

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss and think of you guys! I feel like you guys are a family to me and have been with me and seen so much and I hope I can keep up with blogging more. Since I started school back up, I haven’t done much because I’m so busy with that. But that’s not an excuse. 

It just hasn’t been in me to write lately. I had so much to say, yet nothing at all it seems. 

There is so much on this blog from my past, like a little archive of memories. It’s safe to say that I’m in a new chapter of my life and I felt the shift in things. 

Things had been going great with Mr. Nice Guy. 

Had? You may ask. 

We’re still together and things are good, don’t get me wrong. But there’s a part of me that is very much where I think that him and I are not going to be good long-term. I’m struggling with this badly right now.

He thinks funny faces are ugly and rude. I make funny faces all the time. 

He doesn’t think a lot of my jokes, and my family’s jokes are funny. My family has a funny and dirty sense of humor, as do I. 

He made a comment, out of not understand I think so I let it slide, that having A.D.D is a type of mental disability so it was a “special needs” type of thing. This was brought up because his professor made an ignorant comment to him about him being tested for that since he was being fidgety in one of his classes. I took that in a little bit offense from my nice guy, seeing as I think I have a minor form of A.D.D. 

He doesn’t like talking about pointless, random, every day things. It has to always be more of a serious conversation for him. My favorite conversations are pointless and random ones. 

He’s kind of needy. If it were up to him, he’d be calling me and talking on the phone all day. I feel like I have to sit down and clear out anything I have to do to be on the phone with him, or with anybody for that matter. Sometimes on the weekend, he’ll call two or three times throughout the day and expects to have multiple hours long conversations and then gets sad and upset when I have to go do something. Ain’t nobody got time for that. This girl has shit to do. Like eating ice cream looking like a hot mess in peace. 

Oh! Let’s not forget that one time him and I were conversing on the phone, and he starts talking about when he’s going to move back here and gets an apartment. He casually said, and I barely caught it before it registered in my brain, “You could visit your family anytime you wanted. I’d probably even go with you.” 

Whoa, whoa, whoa there tiger. 

He had been expecting me to move in with him when he moves back here. I mean, by this upcoming fall when he moves back we’d be together for a long time, but still. Hold your horses there. He’s also brought up the word “forever”. I used to not have a problem with that word. I used it with my ex, but ya know… after a year. Not after a month or two. I realized that forever isn’t always going to happen, even if you want it to. Things change. People change. It’s inevitable. 

He doesn’t really eat carbs. I eat pasta, sandwiches, ice cream, desserts… he rarely eats that stuff. I get it, eating healthy is great and I love to eat healthy… but cheat meals are good. I can’t live without my Ben & Jerry’s. Let’s be real here, no one can have as amazing a relationship with people as they do with Ben & Jerry’s. 

He doesn’t drink alcohol. I love to drink. It’s nice to be able to unwind. I don’t drink all the time, and I wouldn’t even if I was the legal age, but it’d be nice to have girls night in at the house with my bestie watching TV with our dinner and drinks. That would be our thing. We want to go out as well and have some fun. Not sloppy fun, but you know. He didn’t even really like the idea of me saying I was going to keep alcohol in the house. Only for “special occasions”. 

My nice guy is also coming down to visit soon. He wasn’t planning on having sex. That was second in his mind to everything else. It’s been a month since we’ve seen each other… I just don’t even know what to think about that. Sex was the first thing on my mind. It’s natural. 

It’s been a month since we became “official” and it’s only a short time and I want to give it more of a chance. However, that’s hard to do with him being five to six hours away. I can’t test us out physically together and doing things every day. He’s coming down next weekend, though. 

He’s a great guy though… but I’m just not sure anymore. I need y’alls opinions. I’m talking this out and thinking it through before I do anything stupid. This is a battle inside of me right now. He’s an amazing guy and I can’t stress that enough. I have nothing bad to say about him personally, just how him and I conflict with each others opinions and stuff like that. 

I can honestly say I love all of you so much and I hope I get some of your feedback on this. You have no idea how much I take all your opinions to heart and think about them. You guys have helped me go through some serious stuff whether you realize it or not and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Tessellation

As the world is at a hush, a blanket of night falling over the day

Street and store lights bedazzle the infinite and dark blue in the sky

Dew starts forming on the quiet stillness as the bustle rolls away

The stars light up for us, twinkling like soft balls of fire

Brightness in the darkest hour, the moon illuminates outside

Guiding the light down, it makes its way through the window into the room

Soft shadows dance around us, creating a dusky vision

A sleepy you and a sleepy me lie awake, in a world of our own

While others’ chests are faintly heaving and eyes dreaming of lullabies

You are the cynosure of my eyes, a sureness in the unknown of night

And within the sheets two warm bodies covered, our love tessellates  

A sudden frisson explodes in the deepest part of me as your lips hit my bare back

Murmurs of the AC cause our legs to meet somewhere in the middle

Within the dreamy, seclusion of midnight two lives attach together

Every tingling touch, every whisper coming from somnolent lips

Our souls are playful, constantly going back and forth in the still moonlight

Two lovers’ secrets caught inside the discreet opaqueness of night 

 

 

 

I know this is different than my normal blogs, but I used to write poems a lot actually and felt in touch with that side tonight so I hope you enjoyed this! 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Part Two: Momma Mia

Meeting the parents. 

We’ve all been there. That place is nerve-wracking, anxiety provoking and throw up worthy. 

Especially if you’re a girl who is stealing a mom’s only son, whom she is very proud of and he happens to be in the Air Force. 

To her, you’re a little boy stealing, slut who just comes in and takes away her only son. 

That was me. I was that girl. 

Driving to the park to meet his mom and step dad, my mind was full of clutter, my heart pumping and my hands shaking. I knew his mom was a very strong lady, mentally wise. But I also knew she was very nice and sweet. I get there and it seems to be somewhat fine. She complimented me on my eyes, and I complimented her back for looking so young for her age, which she does. His step dad seems to be really cool and laid back. I then went back to their home to meet his three sisters, and one of the sister’s baby. His mom was talking with me, I was talking with one of the sisters and it was somewhat good. Then my nice guy suggests we go, because he wants to return a shirt that was really oversized. 

So, we go to the mall and are in and out between a couple of stores next to each other while he picks out some shirts. Then he ends up losing his wallet somehow, and somebody took it because we couldn’t find it. 

In his wallet, he had a bunch of cash, his credit card, his military ID and his social security card. First thing I told him to do was cancel his card. I knew on the inside he was freaking out but on the outside he kept calm. 

Due to my past experiences with my ex, I was waiting for the big freak out and for him to get extremely pissed and just shut down. 

But he didn’t. I cannot tell you how refreshing that was and just another reason why I love him. 

I took him to a restaurant called Panera (one of my absolute favorites) and bought him food for a change. He ended up loving it, and then I took him to that really romantic spot that overlooks some city lights with a little pond right below. It’s pretty peaceful and quiet and we talked, kissed and hung out. It was romantic and perfect with the moon looking down on us and him hugging me from behind. Thankfully, all of that calmed him down a bit. 

I learned some very disappointing news, though. Before his mom even met me, she already didn’t like me. 

Because I’m white. Mr. Nice Guy comes from a Hispanic family, even though he’s lighter skinned, some of his family is not. She seemed to be the only one who had a problem with me though because I’m white. 

Secondly, he didn’t spend much time with his family even though I told him too. She felt like he was abandoning her to be with me. 

Jesus. Thirdly, she’s going through menopause. 

I have it all going against me, really. 

She actually messaged me yesterday, a kind of rude message actually. 

The back story to what she’s saying is when Scott was looking for a shirt, he got down on one knee and I joked about him proposing to me. We went back to my house real quick so I could grab something and told my mom about the joke. Then it got to the topic on marrying and a good age and all that relationship/long distance stuff. I told her my ideal age to be married is no earlier than 26. 

So, my nice guy apparently went home and was telling his mom about this. 

I wake up to a message from her through Facebook saying “do me a favor and please do not try to get him to marry you just yet”. That’s how the message started and she basically said after that he’s too young and we’ve only been together a short time. His friends aren’t there for him the way his “real” family is. Then she asked me to stop texting him about it through my Facebook message box (whatever that meant, because I hadn’t posted anything about it at all on Facebook even through messaging) and then she said thank you. 

I responded back to her, very politely reassuring her telling her thatmarriage is the last thing on my mind and I’m not trying to steal her son away from her. There was no response back, which my nice guy said is good because it means I’ve made my point. He did however call her, and told her that it was time for him to grow up and he can’t be stuck in that place forever. 

She then proceeded to take away his bed at home and everything that she provides to him since he is so “grown up” now. I felt so terrible for him, but he said she would have done this with any girl. 

Monday was his last day here. On the way to his place to see him off really quick, my mood was fine even though a part of me was sad he had to leave. I didn’t feel any water works, or even thought I would cry. 

I got there and he came out to meet me in his uniform. 

Swoon. Again. 

So we’re walking a little bit, and then comes time to say goodbye. 

Boom. There goes the water works. 

I normally don’t cry in front of people because I always like to appear steady, calm and cool as a cucumber, but I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. All I wanted him to do was stay here, though I know he had to go back up. 

Thankfully in front of him, it was mostly just a few tears rolling down the cheek and it was hard to talk. 

When I got back in the car though, that’s when I really started crying. Monday I was pretty much exhausted from the weekend and so sad that he was gone. I was in bed all day, watching TV and sleeping. It was a very sad day. 

He ended up calling me once he got back to base and just hearing him on the phone made me cry. I wasn’t in the mood to talk, even though all I wanted was for him to be by my side. 

To top Monday off, our hot water went out. So that resulted in no shower after a long weekend, and washing my hair in ice cold water that felt like pins and needles going into my skull. 

Tuesday was a lot better though and I have made a full recovery. I’m still sad that he’s not here and his hand isn’t right next to mine whenever I need to hold it, but it’s one more day down until I get to see him again. 

Overall, our bond grew stronger and the weekend was one of the best weekends of my life. 

We started off as good friends and worked our way to lovers. Now, I consider him my best friend and lover all in one. 

Anytime we say something that upsets the other a little, we talk about it and a few minutes later we’re all good. We get over the stupid, trivial things fast and then we’re right back to joking around and flirting. Him and I both have this feeling that we’re going to be a great couple and I have a lot of faith in us. 

I hope all of you guys have had an amazing weekend and your weeks are going great and I look forward to catching up with all of you! 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo