Final Chapter

Sometimes when you know, you know.

So often we doubt our feelings in hopes that we’re wrong. We push our thoughts away, even though they never leave. The thoughts just sit there, getting louder and louder every day that passes by.

We try to talk ourselves into thinking we’re just crazy, or imagining things… but we’re not, are we?

We know.

I have a pretty decent intuition and it’s usually right. I don’t take these feelings lightly though, so when I want to make a life changing decision, I give my all to fix the situation before I do.

And this is the story of what led to the final chapter of D and me.

Last April is when the story really first starts. Let me preface this by saying D has depression, anxiety and a doctor once told him he was bipolar even though I think it was a false diagnosis. So, when something happens to D that is bad or unfavorable, he shuts down and lets it take over his life. He will not get help for it. I tried all I could to help him, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t enough to help him.

He was going through a hard time with a family because a situation that happened with his dad. So, in April he broke up with me. He said it was going to be his time to figure things out on his end and try to better himself. Truthfully, I think that reason was bullshit and he wanted to hang out with his friends more instead of having me to “weigh him down”. However, in trying to save the relationship from a pointless breakup I talked him into having us still be in contact and hanging out sometimes without the hard term of “relationship”. That lasted a little while before he officially cut ties.

As usual, I was devastated. I had hoped after our big breakup of 2013 and reunion of 2014, this on-again/off-again relationship was done. But it wasn’t. In fact, he had broken up with me a couple times before this.

I became extremely depressed… a place I hadn’t been to in years. I thought about suicide one night because it felt like my world was crashing. I texted D that night, hoping he would help. Our conversation?

D: “Do you want me to call the cops?”

Me: “No”

D: “Ok”

For all he knew, I could have ended it that night and it was like he didn’t care at all.

I started going to the beach to enjoy the ocean and the sunsets to find my inner peace. Eventually I started finding it and realized I was going to be okay, and that this breakup was actually for the better.

But I should have known what was coming. He called me one July morning saying he wanted to give us another try.

I was reluctant. A part of me knew I shouldn’t and something inside told me it wasn’t a good idea.

But I felt I owed it to the relationship to give it one last try, so I did.

The year did not go smoothly. It went… okay.

D had been severely depressed for the last two years and it was affecting our relationship. I begged him to get help because I can only do so much but he never wanted to.

He liked to play victim and wallow in the negativity. As somebody who believes in energy and radiating positive vibrations, it got to a point where his energy was affecting mine.

And then in December, I lost my grandma to cancer who was my second mother. She raised me. My world fell apart.

Before I lost her, I was venting to D one day over text about it. He never really comforted me, all he ever said was I needed to be strong. In my opinion, you don’t tell somebody that in this type of situation. So, I responded with “Yeah”, a one word response, but then continued to type a second message.

Before I could send the second message, he blew up on me. He started arguing with me and shut down on me and hardly talked to me for a couple of days. I don’t know what kind of person does that. That was one of the final straws.

I couldn’t be with somebody who has such little empathy for others.

Then he started picking fights with and alienating his friends for little reasons.

I get it, he has depression. I know that really affects life, but he never attempted help. I’m going to school for psych and I am one of the most understanding people out there, but if you don’t want to better your situation, it starts affecting everything. After two years, I was starting to shut down to him.

So, finally in January… I went into the new year with a new mindset. My soul was tired, it was aching, I could hardly feel it anymore. I needed to make a change for my well-being. I decided to go into the new year and just completely radiate positive energy and let all the negativity go. And so one morning, I changed. Slowly I started to feel better, but there was still a weight on me. I realized what it was.

I had to break up with D in order to save myself. I had to let go of my best friend, my love, of almost a decade. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made because I was letting go of possibly one of the strongest, if not the strongest love I’ll ever have in my life.

But I needed to.

As terrible as it sounds, I felt so much better after the breakup. My soul could breathe again and I could just feel myself recharging day by day. I will never stop loving him, but we are better off apart.

I felt peace, positivity and just overall better vibes enter my life.

It had been time for a change.

So, here’s to taking care of yourself and radiating light and love.

On to new chapters.

xo,

whiskeyinateacupp

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Vulnerable

3/7/18

I’ve been trying to stay busy, to keep my mind on other things, but as I find myself alone at night… my feelings and thoughts swallow me.

When everybody else has gone to bed and is no longer awake, or when I don’t feel like talking anymore… the weight of the world lays on my chest.

Tonight, I am scared.

Tonight, I am vulnerable.

Even though I still haven’t told what happened between my ex, D and I, I miss the relationship. I know things weren’t good and there were too many issues that weren’t being fixed and as much as things went bad, our love was real.

“The greater the love, the greater the chaos” – Jonathan Carroll.

I am terrified that I will never experience such a love like ours again. I lose my breath just thinking that I may never find a love as strong as ours was. I’m aware that everybody’s love is different and you will never have the same love twice, but life is too short for mediocre love.

I miss our love. I miss what we could have been, if only we were different.

I didn’t break up with him because I no longer loved him. I did it so that he would start to fix himself and so I could find somebody who could be there for me the way I needed them to. But oh, I loved him. If I had stayed that love would have burned me alive in the most beautiful, devastatingly way.

We will always have a love for each other, it will always show in our eyes, for as much as he may hate me right now, the love is there.

My heart is so, so heavy tonight.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Out of the Blue

In a post I wrote a while back, I played around with the idea of closure.

Do we really need it? Does it actually benefit us?

Can we truly move on with our lives without it?

Some people disagree with closure, saying life isn’t always so perfect to put back together. We just have to pick up the pieces left behind and make do with what we have. However, in my opinion and at least for myself, I find closure necessary for some things in order for my soul to feel calm and at peace.

Some of you may remember Army boy. The boy who knew I liked him, who I thought liked me, but instead used me and lied to me. He was the first guy after I had broken up with my ex that I liked. So Long, Luckless Romance

If you read through my post on him, it goes into better depth than this post is going to get. However, I do have to add one small bit to that post. At the time, I still had feelings for him. So, when he lied to me and said he didn’t want to get into a relationship before deployment, but then did… it hurt like a bitch.

But do you want to know what hurt more?

He got married to the girl. Imagine the pain I went through when I learned this.

Eventually, I moved on but always wondered what had been wrong with me to him. How I could have made the situation better. What I could have done to make him like me more. How he could have lied to me like he did, how he could have used me.

Fast forward four years later, to this past December. Army boy and I hadn’t had any further conversation or contact after our last text messages before he deployed, so we went four years without speaking. I was on Instagram one night, scrolling through my feed. I noticed a picture of Army boy at Disneyland. Being a Disney person, I liked the photo.

He liked a photo of mine back.

I liked one of his back.

And this continued for a couple more photos. We hadn’t had this much contact in years.

Imagine my surprise, when he slid into my DM’s out of the blue saying, “So are we just going to continue liking each other’s pictures or are we going to talk?”. Part of me didn’t want to reply, but because I’m nosy and like to stir things up from time to time, I replied. It was small talk for the most part, but it was starting to lean towards flirtatious.

I asked him how his wife was doing.

He said the relationship wasn’t doing well, but he didn’t want to talk about it.

Cue the eye roll.

He was trying to hint at hooking up. I was still with my ex at this time, so obviously I told him no. And if that’s not enough of a reason, he has a wife back home.

But this isn’t even the biggest drop of news. He wants to meet up. I reluctantly agreed. I realized it was my time to get closure. This is what I had been looking for all along.

We met up at a local coffee shop and talked. That was all. I realized the conversation just wasn’t there for us. There was no spark there for me. It was all gone. It was friendly, at most.

At the end I went to give him a hug goodbye with my coffee still in hand, and what really sealed the deal for me… I spilled coffee on his back. Win!

I thought spilling coffee on him just made up for everything.

However, it did not end there.

Later on, he messaged me.

He said he regrets treating me the way he did and he knows it ended on a bad note because of him. He brought this up all on his own, without me saying anything about our past. And to be quite honest, this pissed me off. He knew all along he was acting like a douche. He realized how bad he treated me.

Then he goes on saying that he wished he would have pursued me further and seen where him and I could have gone.

I was livid this night. I told him he screwed up and ruined it all and that he should have pursued me because I really, genuinely liked him.

The lesson from all of this…

Sometimes closure does come back around to bite you in the ass.

Screw you and your uniform, Army boy.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Guidelines for an FWB

Since my last how-to post about getting over an FWB has been one of my most commented and liked posts, I’ve decided to give you guys some rules or guidelines. It seems a lot of you, like myself, got trapped in something you were never intended to be trapped into. Having a friends with benefits is really tricky and isn’t for everybody, I know this. Here below are some things that I followed and mentally did when I had one.

  • Now, I know within the name it says “friends” but this is one of the biggest tricks. You can be close with them, but keep it at a distance. If you are telling them everything, always confiding in them and doing everything together like best friends… when you put sex into that equation feelings are going to spark up. There is a fine line for this friend to be able to get the benefits from you.
  • Pick somebody who you normally wouldn’t date. This has to be somebody that you’ve never had feelings for and if you did at one point you are totally and completely over them. There has to be things within this person that you would never want to deal with if you were a couple. Of course you need to be attracted to them because of well, obvious reasons but this doesn’t mean you should want to marry them.
  • Personally, if I was having sex with a guy just purely for sex and he genuinely complimented me during the act on my appearance/myself/not sex related, I blocked it out. Also, if he or she calls you baby repeatedly during these wonderful acts, you might want to block those names out as well. This is a very personal preference but knowing myself, I would have developed some sort of tiny emotional bond that could become more and I didn’t want that. Something like this may not effect everybody, but if it does just accept the compliment and continue doing what you’re doing without giving it any thought.
  • Do NOT start having sex with somebody right after you’ve broken up with your significant other. At this point you’re just looking to fill the void within you and this poor sucker is going to fall into that black hole unintentionally. It will be unfair to him/her because you’ve said you’re just looking for sex, so were they and then all of a sudden bam! You’re imagining wedding dresses and engagement rings. No. Back it up and as always, eat some Ben and Jerry’s first. Let those friends take care of you first before you try to take care of your freak flag before it’s ready to be flown again.
  • Love yourself. This may sound like a weird piece of advice to give, but let me elaborate. So many people frown upon one night stands or having sex just to have sex, but as humans we have needs. Do not go out to have sex to try and make you feel better about yourself. Do not put your lips on another’s hoping to bury your struggles or whatever you’re going through. Learn to love you. If you want sex because you want sex, go for it. If there are ulterior motives behind why you are getting in somebody else’s bed then it’s not going to go well for you in the long run.

These rules may not apply to everybody and like I stated before, this is just what helped me. I hope it helps all of you and you can enjoy sex without having to be tied down if that’s what you don’t want at the moment.

Everybody deserves sexy time.

However, if this all fails and you seem to have fallen in the trap you can click on this post and it will hopefully help you to recover from the fall.

How To Get Over an FWB

Spring Cleaning

Spring is right around the corner. Here in California, it’s pretty much been spring since summer ended. But in any case, along with everybody else I’m anticipating spring time. Our circadian rhythms are getting in tune with the light staying out longer and we’re starting to feel a need to spring clean. 

Every spring, there is a need for “out with the old, in with the new”. This spring is no exception. We feel the need to take a dip in the spring water filled pond and cleanse all the heaviness of the past year off of our skin. 

It’s like exfoliating. It’s sloughing off everything that has happened and all the shit we have been through. 

Here’s how I see our lives. 

Each year is a short story and there are four chapters. It starts out with spring as the first chapter, then goes to summer, then fall and finally winter. People might argue it starts with winter, but I think of it as us coming out of hibernation and the heaviest, coldest part of the year. We step out into the sun and feel the heat on our skins again, energizing and charging us up again bringing us back to life. It lets us start all over again. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m done with this past year. All the crap, bullshit, lies, and stupidity have got to go. 

I’m kicking the bullshit in the ass and out the door. I’m over the negativity and immaturity. 

Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

I have no more time to deal with people who are fake and are just going to lie to me. 

Only good vibes here, please. 

My short story is starting out at a cross roads with my love life. To be with Mr. Nice Guy, to not be with Mr. Nice guy. To not be is the answer… but when and how to go about it is undecided. 

I don’t want to go right back into a relationship, because I think I want to enjoy the single life some more. While at the same time, I’m over the pointless stuff. 

However, even with all that said… hopefully this chapter is just about having fun, focusing on myself and growing even more. 

Cheers to the year of doing our thangs. 

Out with the old and in with the new. 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Changes

Wow! Long time no blog, right? 

Truthfully… I haven’t had the writing bug much lately. I’m sorry I dropped off the face of the earth guys. It feels like a lot has been going on inside me, while at the same time it’s just been static. 

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss and think of you guys! I feel like you guys are a family to me and have been with me and seen so much and I hope I can keep up with blogging more. Since I started school back up, I haven’t done much because I’m so busy with that. But that’s not an excuse. 

It just hasn’t been in me to write lately. I had so much to say, yet nothing at all it seems. 

There is so much on this blog from my past, like a little archive of memories. It’s safe to say that I’m in a new chapter of my life and I felt the shift in things. 

Things had been going great with Mr. Nice Guy. 

Had? You may ask. 

We’re still together and things are good, don’t get me wrong. But there’s a part of me that is very much where I think that him and I are not going to be good long-term. I’m struggling with this badly right now.

He thinks funny faces are ugly and rude. I make funny faces all the time. 

He doesn’t think a lot of my jokes, and my family’s jokes are funny. My family has a funny and dirty sense of humor, as do I. 

He made a comment, out of not understand I think so I let it slide, that having A.D.D is a type of mental disability so it was a “special needs” type of thing. This was brought up because his professor made an ignorant comment to him about him being tested for that since he was being fidgety in one of his classes. I took that in a little bit offense from my nice guy, seeing as I think I have a minor form of A.D.D. 

He doesn’t like talking about pointless, random, every day things. It has to always be more of a serious conversation for him. My favorite conversations are pointless and random ones. 

He’s kind of needy. If it were up to him, he’d be calling me and talking on the phone all day. I feel like I have to sit down and clear out anything I have to do to be on the phone with him, or with anybody for that matter. Sometimes on the weekend, he’ll call two or three times throughout the day and expects to have multiple hours long conversations and then gets sad and upset when I have to go do something. Ain’t nobody got time for that. This girl has shit to do. Like eating ice cream looking like a hot mess in peace. 

Oh! Let’s not forget that one time him and I were conversing on the phone, and he starts talking about when he’s going to move back here and gets an apartment. He casually said, and I barely caught it before it registered in my brain, “You could visit your family anytime you wanted. I’d probably even go with you.” 

Whoa, whoa, whoa there tiger. 

He had been expecting me to move in with him when he moves back here. I mean, by this upcoming fall when he moves back we’d be together for a long time, but still. Hold your horses there. He’s also brought up the word “forever”. I used to not have a problem with that word. I used it with my ex, but ya know… after a year. Not after a month or two. I realized that forever isn’t always going to happen, even if you want it to. Things change. People change. It’s inevitable. 

He doesn’t really eat carbs. I eat pasta, sandwiches, ice cream, desserts… he rarely eats that stuff. I get it, eating healthy is great and I love to eat healthy… but cheat meals are good. I can’t live without my Ben & Jerry’s. Let’s be real here, no one can have as amazing a relationship with people as they do with Ben & Jerry’s. 

He doesn’t drink alcohol. I love to drink. It’s nice to be able to unwind. I don’t drink all the time, and I wouldn’t even if I was the legal age, but it’d be nice to have girls night in at the house with my bestie watching TV with our dinner and drinks. That would be our thing. We want to go out as well and have some fun. Not sloppy fun, but you know. He didn’t even really like the idea of me saying I was going to keep alcohol in the house. Only for “special occasions”. 

My nice guy is also coming down to visit soon. He wasn’t planning on having sex. That was second in his mind to everything else. It’s been a month since we’ve seen each other… I just don’t even know what to think about that. Sex was the first thing on my mind. It’s natural. 

It’s been a month since we became “official” and it’s only a short time and I want to give it more of a chance. However, that’s hard to do with him being five to six hours away. I can’t test us out physically together and doing things every day. He’s coming down next weekend, though. 

He’s a great guy though… but I’m just not sure anymore. I need y’alls opinions. I’m talking this out and thinking it through before I do anything stupid. This is a battle inside of me right now. He’s an amazing guy and I can’t stress that enough. I have nothing bad to say about him personally, just how him and I conflict with each others opinions and stuff like that. 

I can honestly say I love all of you so much and I hope I get some of your feedback on this. You have no idea how much I take all your opinions to heart and think about them. You guys have helped me go through some serious stuff whether you realize it or not and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

How To Survive Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of the season again. 

Chick flick trailers are coming non-stop on TV, all the chocolate and teddy bears are in stores, everything is pink and red and alive with the magic of l-o-v-e

Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching and just around the corner for all the cute little lovebirds happily waiting to celebrate it. Getting all dressed up, going to a nice fancy restaurant, opening up presents, maybe a movie and then going back home to some baby makin’ music and getting down with sexy time. Sounds good, right? 

Except for anybody who is single. But lucky for you, I’ve got some how-to advice on how to cope with wanting to strangle cupid and wanting to throw a grenade in the hopes of killing all couples within a five mile radius of you. 

In my opinion, honestly, Valentine’s Day isn’t a big deal for me being single. I’m still happy for everybody who gets to celebrate it with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Good for them and more to ’em! 

This is the second Valentine’s Day I will be single. Personally, I could care less. I don’t NEED a man in my life to make me happy. Never let your happiness depend on a person, like ever. I have always thought this way. I never needed my ex, I wanted him. There’s a difference. You don’t need a person, at least you shouldn’t. You should want them instead. 

Let’s get down to the nitty gritty of dealing with Valentine’s Day as a single. Here are some positives.

-Who needs the stress of trying to find the perfect present? Forget that! That’s pretty self-explanatory. 

-If you’re a single girl on this holiday… consider yourself envied of. While other girls are shaving, putting on a bunch of make up, taking hours to make sure their hair is perfect, trying on twenty different outfits and having their clothes thrown every which way in their room, well you could be saving yourself all this trouble. I’m honestly looking forward to not having to shave or having the stress of looking absolutely amazing. You can be stress-free and all hakuna mutata. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Look like a hot mess if you want to! Besides, the leg hair could keep you warm while the rest of the girls are out freezing their asses off! I say that’s a win by itself. 

– You’ve always got chocolate. Just pound that shit down on Valentine’s day. Stock up before hand, pop in some movies and have a go. You don’t need somebody to buy you chocolate! Empowerment, people! We can buy our own damn chocolate and enjoy it just as much! And also you don’t have to share it with anybody. It’s all yours, baby. 

– Have a girls’ night or boys’ night. I’m hanging with my best friend, maybe going out to dinner and then strolling around in this gorgeous outside mall, or hitting up the beach for the day and eating at some cafe. If you’re with somebody that makes you laugh and you have a good time with them, that’s all that matters. If you’re a girl going out to eat with other girls, then look at it this way. You can eat all the food you want without worrying you look like a pig. 

– Take this day as a day to celebrate YOU. Do whatever you want to do. If you’re single, this is a day to pamper yourself or do what makes you happy. Work out, don’t work out, eat, lay around, don’t shower, take a long bubble bath, watch movies, go out with friends, stay in and have peace and quiet. Consider it your second birthday. 

Sure, Valentine’s Day puts a lot of pressure on people to be in relationships or just to have a Valentine in general. But if you let go of that, then unlike the rest of the world, you have no pressure to do anything at all. 

It’s kind of a relief, actually. 

Sure, we might not have that passionate Valentine’s Day sex or get spoiled with gifts from our partners but… no shaving, people! I don’t know about you, but that excites me. There’s so much work as a girl to get ready. I don’t have to do my makeup all amazing, don’t have to do my hair, don’t have to shave, I can lay around in pretty much pajamas and there is nobody to judge. 

This is a judge free zone guys. 

So while we’re in this judge free zone, if you don’t want to shave you don’t have to! Congratulations! 

Cheers to us who don’t need somebody to make us happy! 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo