After breaking up with my nice guy, I felt things were once again at peace with my life. My emotions and gut feelings and instincts were at rest. I could tell it was the right thing for me to do.
It’s been a week and a half since I broke up with him.
But now there’s another inner storm arise inside of myself.
The feeling of not being good enough or pretty enough for somebody. Anybody, in general really.
I was doing so well and I don’t need a guy to tell me how beautiful I am for me to believe it. That’s not what this is getting at. However, I’m at a low point these past few days with feeling this.
Some moments I don’t want to look in the mirror.
Other moments I don’t want people to look at me or talk to me.
Sometimes, a picture of my best friend will pop up and I think “she is incredibly gorgeous”. Then I feel like I’m in her shadow, the not-so-pretty best friend to her. It’s always been very clear that a lot more people are attracted to her.
I’ve never been widely known as being gorgeous or anything to that extent. Sure, some guys and girls will say it but sometimes it falls on deaf ears to me. It’s like I don’t even want to hear it.
I don’t want to be told that. Somehow it just stings.
And I know I’m not ugly or bad looking.
I just feel… not enough.
For myself mostly.
I don’t even know why I’m feeling this way because I have no reason to and I wish I didn’t.
Nobody deserves to feel this way. Nobody deserves to feel not enough.
Not good enough.
Not pretty enough.
Because everybody is and I wish that everybody felt enough.
I put on makeup nearly every day to try and fill the void inside me. Hoping each and every morning that it will cure everything.
But it doesn’t.
I hope it contours just right. I hope it makes my eyes shine well. I hope it makes my face look slimmer. I hope it hides my skin.
I hope it hides the pain.
Because not one single person, not even me, should be sitting in their room feeling unworthy, average, dull, and not enough on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon.
With all the love in my body,