Final Chapter

Sometimes when you know, you know.

So often we doubt our feelings in hopes that we’re wrong. We push our thoughts away, even though they never leave. The thoughts just sit there, getting louder and louder every day that passes by.

We try to talk ourselves into thinking we’re just crazy, or imagining things… but we’re not, are we?

We know.

I have a pretty decent intuition and it’s usually right. I don’t take these feelings lightly though, so when I want to make a life changing decision, I give my all to fix the situation before I do.

And this is the story of what led to the final chapter of D and me.

Last April is when the story really first starts. Let me preface this by saying D has depression, anxiety and a doctor once told him he was bipolar even though I think it was a false diagnosis. So, when something happens to D that is bad or unfavorable, he shuts down and lets it take over his life. He will not get help for it. I tried all I could to help him, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t enough to help him.

He was going through a hard time with a family because a situation that happened with his dad. So, in April he broke up with me. He said it was going to be his time to figure things out on his end and try to better himself. Truthfully, I think that reason was bullshit and he wanted to hang out with his friends more instead of having me to “weigh him down”. However, in trying to save the relationship from a pointless breakup I talked him into having us still be in contact and hanging out sometimes without the hard term of “relationship”. That lasted a little while before he officially cut ties.

As usual, I was devastated. I had hoped after our big breakup of 2013 and reunion of 2014, this on-again/off-again relationship was done. But it wasn’t. In fact, he had broken up with me a couple times before this.

I became extremely depressed… a place I hadn’t been to in years. I thought about suicide one night because it felt like my world was crashing. I texted D that night, hoping he would help. Our conversation?

D: “Do you want me to call the cops?”

Me: “No”

D: “Ok”

For all he knew, I could have ended it that night and it was like he didn’t care at all.

I started going to the beach to enjoy the ocean and the sunsets to find my inner peace. Eventually I started finding it and realized I was going to be okay, and that this breakup was actually for the better.

But I should have known what was coming. He called me one July morning saying he wanted to give us another try.

I was reluctant. A part of me knew I shouldn’t and something inside told me it wasn’t a good idea.

But I felt I owed it to the relationship to give it one last try, so I did.

The year did not go smoothly. It went… okay.

D had been severely depressed for the last two years and it was affecting our relationship. I begged him to get help because I can only do so much but he never wanted to.

He liked to play victim and wallow in the negativity. As somebody who believes in energy and radiating positive vibrations, it got to a point where his energy was affecting mine.

And then in December, I lost my grandma to cancer who was my second mother. She raised me. My world fell apart.

Before I lost her, I was venting to D one day over text about it. He never really comforted me, all he ever said was I needed to be strong. In my opinion, you don’t tell somebody that in this type of situation. So, I responded with “Yeah”, a one word response, but then continued to type a second message.

Before I could send the second message, he blew up on me. He started arguing with me and shut down on me and hardly talked to me for a couple of days. I don’t know what kind of person does that. That was one of the final straws.

I couldn’t be with somebody who has such little empathy for others.

Then he started picking fights with and alienating his friends for little reasons.

I get it, he has depression. I know that really affects life, but he never attempted help. I’m going to school for psych and I am one of the most understanding people out there, but if you don’t want to better your situation, it starts affecting everything. After two years, I was starting to shut down to him.

So, finally in January… I went into the new year with a new mindset. My soul was tired, it was aching, I could hardly feel it anymore. I needed to make a change for my well-being. I decided to go into the new year and just completely radiate positive energy and let all the negativity go. And so one morning, I changed. Slowly I started to feel better, but there was still a weight on me. I realized what it was.

I had to break up with D in order to save myself. I had to let go of my best friend, my love, of almost a decade. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made because I was letting go of possibly one of the strongest, if not the strongest love I’ll ever have in my life.

But I needed to.

As terrible as it sounds, I felt so much better after the breakup. My soul could breathe again and I could just feel myself recharging day by day. I will never stop loving him, but we are better off apart.

I felt peace, positivity and just overall better vibes enter my life.

It had been time for a change.

So, here’s to taking care of yourself and radiating light and love.

On to new chapters.

xo,

whiskeyinateacupp

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Texts

5/10/18

 

It feels like my life has changed, yet again, in the past couple months but at the same time it has remained the same. I’m still single, still trying to radiate positivity and send out good vibes. After my rough year of 2017, I decided going into 2018 that I needed to change my mindset and rid myself of all the negativity in my life, even if it meant losing somebody I loved. And so, finally fed up with feeling crappy all the time mentally, I started making changes.

I decided to be happy. I decided to radiate what I want from the universe. Only good vibrations from here on out.

Unfortunately, one of the things that was affecting me was D, my ex. He isn’t a bad person, let’s get that out of the way. We have our differences and our dark times, but he is good. He just happened to have bad things thrown his way, which we all do, but instead of making a change or even attempting to make a change, he stayed in the same negative mindset. It started affecting him so bad, to the point it affected us. I begged him to go get help because there was only so much I could help with, but he never did.

That is partly what led to our breakup.

But that isn’t why I’m here.

About two weeks ago, I got a text from D.

“Hey”

Part of me didn’t want to respond, but the other part of me knew I was going to anyways. There was a town festival that weekend and I was curious if he was going to be there so I could avoid bumping into him.

So, we started texting.

It was mainly small talk and chit chat. Our messages were short and blunt, but he said he just wanted to check up on me and see how I was doing and what was going on. I wasn’t exactly keen at this idea, but it’s hard to not talk to somebody who was your best friend for almost a decade.

We asked each other about school, work, life, our pets.

He told me he finally cut his hair short and sent me a selfie.

I sent one back, admittedly.

After a bit, he told me he was curious to see what my best friend would say when I tell her that he had messaged me.

So I told him that she already knew, because obviously I was in freak mode when he first texted me.

He asked what she said, and I told him the truth. She said I probably shouldn’t be texting him and that I had been doing so well moving on, I can’t afford to go backwards. Which is all perfectly true. I had no intention of revisiting the past.

To which he replied something along the lines of me not worrying about him trying to get back together with me…

Because he is in a new relationship.

Yes, you read that right.

But nothing inside of me flipped, turned upside down, or felt nauseous even.

No, your eyes aren’t mistaking you. You read that correctly, as well.

I didn’t even feel jealous. I knew a while ago that I was over him because when I was drunk or drinking, I didn’t even think about him. Our memories didn’t flood my brain and my hands didn’t reach for my phone to text him.

But this sealed it to me. This gave me reassurance I am actually ready to be free and release myself.

However, this wasn’t sitting right with me. I asked him if his new girlfriend knew he was texting me and he said yes, that she was fine with it. Now, I don’t know about you, but I would not be happy with my current boyfriend texting his ex-girlfriend of almost 9 years, after only being broken up for almost 5 months. That was my first little spark in my head.

Secondly, if he was happy in his new relationship, why did he text me? Yes, we were best friends for so long, I understand, and like he does for me, I will always care about him and there will always be a place in my heart for him.

But… I was also his love. It just doesn’t sit right with me for some reason. I can’t see being happy in a new relationship, and still wanting to text D, especially this fresh in the breakup.

My brain is still trying to wrap my head around what happened. Because something isn’t sitting right with me.

Later on at night, I eventually told him due to his relationship, I didn’t think it was appropriate for us to be texting all day and I just didn’t feel right about it and also, girl code.

xo,

whiskeyinateacupp

Unstable Foundations

Humans are a species known for having bad habits and addictions that we can’t quit. No matter how much you try to deny this, you know it’s true deep down. Whether it’s as small as coffee or as big as drugs.

My bad habits and addictions lie in making a home out of somebody with an unstable foundation, unfortunately. I rarely ever learn my lesson in love and I get burned with my desire to try and patch the cracks in the foundation with something like putty. It may solve it momentarily but in the long run, putty won’t keep a foundation solid.

You’d think I would have learned from the past. You’d think I would have run away after the hundredth empty promise. But alas, humans have a knack for choosing precisely the thing they shouldn’t. We make homes out of people with unstable foundations, because the home is the part we look at. The foundation is the part we never look at and we tend to forget about it. We try to patch it along the way but eventually it caves.

Last I left you guys off, I had gotten back together with D. My first love, my first everything, my best friend. I’ll keep it short for this post…

When I started my blog, I broke up with him after being together for maybe four years or so. I was broken up with him for almost a year, and you guys all got to see the trials and loves lost throughout that time. About a year later he called me and knowing how weak I am in the presence of him and how much chemistry we have, it was only a matter of time of getting back together. Which we did. We were together for another four, almost five years. Unfortunately, the foundation was never rebuilt and he in fact, had not changed. He broke up with me a handful of times throughout those second set of years. And finally, a month ago… I made the heartbreaking decision this was not a foundation I could trust to build my home on.

We are a long, complicated history with much love and lots of unfortunate stories.

Stay tuned for more, kids. Get those hard hats out to protect yourself from the rubble and mess of our love.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Back From the Dead

Guess who’s back?

That’s right, it’s your fellow love and heartbreak blogger back from the dead. I can’t believe I haven’t logged into WordPress in over two years now. Coming back to read all the comments just fills me with so much hope and inspiration. I love y’all. However, there is a part of me that feels guilty for not being here for you guys. I’m not even sure if anybody remembers who I am, or reads my blogs anymore! Here’s to hoping you do.

I didn’t log in because for the most part, I got busy with life and things were boring in my love life… for the most part. But in a twist of fate, although so much has changed in the last few years, I am back in the same position as when I first started blogging.

Reading through my old posts, I have learned a lot and I have been wrong many times looking back. I have changed and I feel I have lost myself a little along the way. I’m here to get it all back.

I’m here to let you guys know you’re not alone in this world when it comes to love mishaps and heartbreak.

There are plenty of stories and tales to come! Unfortunately, none of them are made up fairytales of knights in shining armor or fairies in a forest.

 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Guidelines for an FWB

Since my last how-to post about getting over an FWB has been one of my most commented and liked posts, I’ve decided to give you guys some rules or guidelines. It seems a lot of you, like myself, got trapped in something you were never intended to be trapped into. Having a friends with benefits is really tricky and isn’t for everybody, I know this. Here below are some things that I followed and mentally did when I had one.

  • Now, I know within the name it says “friends” but this is one of the biggest tricks. You can be close with them, but keep it at a distance. If you are telling them everything, always confiding in them and doing everything together like best friends… when you put sex into that equation feelings are going to spark up. There is a fine line for this friend to be able to get the benefits from you.
  • Pick somebody who you normally wouldn’t date. This has to be somebody that you’ve never had feelings for and if you did at one point you are totally and completely over them. There has to be things within this person that you would never want to deal with if you were a couple. Of course you need to be attracted to them because of well, obvious reasons but this doesn’t mean you should want to marry them.
  • Personally, if I was having sex with a guy just purely for sex and he genuinely complimented me during the act on my appearance/myself/not sex related, I blocked it out. Also, if he or she calls you baby repeatedly during these wonderful acts, you might want to block those names out as well. This is a very personal preference but knowing myself, I would have developed some sort of tiny emotional bond that could become more and I didn’t want that. Something like this may not effect everybody, but if it does just accept the compliment and continue doing what you’re doing without giving it any thought.
  • Do NOT start having sex with somebody right after you’ve broken up with your significant other. At this point you’re just looking to fill the void within you and this poor sucker is going to fall into that black hole unintentionally. It will be unfair to him/her because you’ve said you’re just looking for sex, so were they and then all of a sudden bam! You’re imagining wedding dresses and engagement rings. No. Back it up and as always, eat some Ben and Jerry’s first. Let those friends take care of you first before you try to take care of your freak flag before it’s ready to be flown again.
  • Love yourself. This may sound like a weird piece of advice to give, but let me elaborate. So many people frown upon one night stands or having sex just to have sex, but as humans we have needs. Do not go out to have sex to try and make you feel better about yourself. Do not put your lips on another’s hoping to bury your struggles or whatever you’re going through. Learn to love you. If you want sex because you want sex, go for it. If there are ulterior motives behind why you are getting in somebody else’s bed then it’s not going to go well for you in the long run.

These rules may not apply to everybody and like I stated before, this is just what helped me. I hope it helps all of you and you can enjoy sex without having to be tied down if that’s what you don’t want at the moment.

Everybody deserves sexy time.

However, if this all fails and you seem to have fallen in the trap you can click on this post and it will hopefully help you to recover from the fall.

How To Get Over an FWB

Face It

If you had the chance to get closure, would you?

Now before you go automatically saying yes, really think about it. Any sane person of course would say yes. I would too at first glance. Think about if you could go directly to the source of the problem years later and get the closure you needed, no matter what kind of closure it is and no matter what kind of situation it is.

If years had passed after the situation and you were finally starting to get on with your life the last year or so, after going through years of hell. Even though remnants of you are now partly missing and you could never fully get yourself back, you are healing and making up for the old bits and pieces with new shiny ones. You’ve just gotten a handle on yourself and had some time to rebuild and start new.

Would you then?

Would you dare?

At this point, some of you are black and white on the situation I’m sure. There are some who would point blank say no, they would never go back to that and then the rest may be thinking hell yes, why wouldn’t I?

Either answer is fine, but let me continue.

What if this was the cause of one of your biggest demons? Something that ate away at you for years, still showing its terror once in a while. While all those years, you begged to give the person that did this to you what for. You wanted to let them know the pain they had given to you and how much they had twisted your soul around.

You have the perfect chance after all these years to look this demon straight in the eyes and show them.

Are you brave enough?

Or in some way has sorting through your issues on your own been enough closure for you personally?

Maybe you worked through and found the closure yourself. But for some of us, the wounds never truly heal, we just find better ways to take care of it. Personally for me, my wound hasn’t truly healed after these last 6 years because I am left with a demon that will unfortunately be with me for the rest of my life. Tons of kids go through bully and unintentional psychological abuse that stays with them.

I’m one of those kids.

I was bullied for my looks, for my weight, for my personality from fourth grade to beginning of seventh grade and then I chose to be home schooled. I was bullied by my best friends at the time, not even kids I barely knew. It was the girls I thought were my friends, the ones I could trust. I didn’t have nearly as much money as them, and my looks were not as pretty as their fresh faces were.

I struggled with acne and weight and along in tow of that, was a low self-esteem so my personality was not as best as it could have been. From the few years of psychological trauma I went through, an eating disorder popped up. I would starve myself sometimes, starting at the young age of 11/12. I desperately wanted to fit in. These girls pressured me ruthlessly to be somebody I wasn’t. The eating disorder kicked my ass to the ground for a few years before it tapered off and I gained some normalcy back. Sometimes it pops up, but I’m a lot stronger now than I was then.

It has been 6 years since I spoke to one of the girls, the primary one that did this and all of a sudden the demon came knocking on my door with a Facebook friend request. I was torn for a little bit about whether or not I wanted to open the door, but being the nosey person I am, I did.

I hit the accept button.

When that request popped up, memories flooded back in my mind because it has been in the last couple of years that I am really regaining myself back. I am becoming whole again, with imperfections and flaws of course. There are still residual issues and problems I face with body dysmorphia all the time and eating disorder symptoms rarely these days.

But all throughout that time, I vowed to myself I would either never talk to those girls again in my life, or if I did I would give them a piece of my mind. I just never thought I would have the chance.

And even though the issue may be under wraps for you and closure isn’t so important at this point, would you sit down across from your demon and have a conversation with it?

Two chairs in one, dark room. One inhabits you and the other is your demon facing you, staring you back after all those years. Maybe the demon looks nothing like a monster and instead, looks like your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. Maybe the demon is a parent or a friend.

Maybe the demon is a reflection.

Somebody or something that doesn’t look threatening, and the thought of them doesn’t faze you. But now, all of a sudden you are right next to them. Are your palms sweating? Did the room get smaller? Darker? Maybe your throat closed up.

Having a conversation with a monster isn’t as easy as you thought it was.

All good things worth having, aren’t easy. If you somehow got the closure you needed by yourself, then why is it so hard to face it head-on?

Maybe we truly do need to conquer our demons and at the very least, make them smaller by conversing with them.

No matter who your demon is, they all need to be fought at some point.

Fiery Red

Since I left you guys right after I broke up with Mr. Nice Guy, I cannot tell you how unbelievably happy I have been since doing so. He was all wrong for me. He may be a nice guy, but all of you were right. Just because he’s nice doesn’t make him compatible. As bad as it may sound, breaking up with him was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.

The night I saw him after we broke up, I went to go pick him up because I was just being nice. He was coming home on leave and the person he hitched a ride with lived about 40 minutes away from us. He was trying to kiss me and hug me and I was just not having it. It took everything in me not to blow up on him. While in the car ride home, he started going through my phone. Normally, I wouldn’t care. But we just broke up… like dude, really? Personal space?

Then he asks me if he can come hang out with me and my friend that night and I told him no and he BEGGED.

While we were in the car on the way home, he uses MY phone to call MY mom and ask her if I’m doing anything the next day with my family (which I was).

How unbelievable.

There were so many things wrong with our relationship. Past just the normal dysfunctional thing that most people have. After the dust had settled on my end, he messaged my mom six months after we broke up saying he was still in love with me.

About a month or two after Mr. Crazy Guy and I broke up, and you guys might want to sit down for this if you’re not, I get a call from D. The infamous ex, my first and only true love, the one that I wanted to beat to a pulp.

I remember it vividly.

I was at Michael’s, with my mom and we were in line. I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket and I pulled it out to see who was calling.

His name appeared on the screen and my heart completely just stopped. My palms got sweaty and my mind went blank. It had been months since I had heard from him. The buzzing and call went to voicemail. My hands were shaky as I called him back. I had never felt more terrified in my life because I knew what was going to happen.

I know, all you may be thinking what is this girl doing? Is she completely insane?

Well, yes. I am. We started out as friends… for a week.

And then friends with benefits with AMAZING sex. Best sex I’ve ever had, best sex I still have.

That lasted for another week.

And then another week turned into talks about a relationship and well… there we were.

Talking through our problems like adults.

Our relationship has matured so much and, still almost a year later, him and I are together.

Even though it isn’t always perfect and I do sometimes want to give him a good whack in the head I wouldn’t want to whack anybody else. He makes me happy and throughout all the pain and crap, it has brought us back even closer. Which is definitely a cliche thing to say, I know, but it’s true. We may sometimes be feeling polar opposite things and we may not agree on everything, but that keeps things interesting. He respects my opinions and I respect his. We have less fights than we used to, but we do fight and I’m okay with that. There’s not one couple that doesn’t ever fight. But for those fights, the love that we share is so strong.

During the year we were apart, we both grew up a lot and now when we fight, the first thing in our heads isn’t to break up. It’s to want to strangle each other and THEN talk it over.

Because that’s normal and you all know it.

Here I am… a year later. A redhead, with D, in my second year of college, turning 20 in less than a month and yet… no idea what to do with my life.

The best is yet to come.

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