Tag Archives: love

Guidelines for an FWB

Since my last how-to post about getting over an FWB has been one of my most commented and liked posts, I’ve decided to give you guys some rules or guidelines. It seems a lot of you, like myself, got trapped in something you were never intended to be trapped into. Having a friends with benefits is really tricky and isn’t for everybody, I know this. Here below are some things that I followed and mentally did when I had one.

  • Now, I know within the name it says “friends” but this is one of the biggest tricks. You can be close with them, but keep it at a distance. If you are telling them everything, always confiding in them and doing everything together like best friends… when you put sex into that equation feelings are going to spark up. There is a fine line for this friend to be able to get the benefits from you.
  • Pick somebody who you normally wouldn’t date. This has to be somebody that you’ve never had feelings for and if you did at one point you are totally and completely over them. There has to be things within this person that you would never want to deal with if you were a couple. Of course you need to be attracted to them because of well, obvious reasons but this doesn’t mean you should want to marry them.
  • Personally, if I was having sex with a guy just purely for sex and he genuinely complimented me during the act on my appearance/myself/not sex related, I blocked it out. Also, if he or she calls you baby repeatedly during these wonderful acts, you might want to block those names out as well. This is a very personal preference but knowing myself, I would have developed some sort of tiny emotional bond that could become more and I didn’t want that. Something like this may not effect everybody, but if it does just accept the compliment and continue doing what you’re doing without giving it any thought.
  • Do NOT start having sex with somebody right after you’ve broken up with your significant other. At this point you’re just looking to fill the void within you and this poor sucker is going to fall into that black hole unintentionally. It will be unfair to him/her because you’ve said you’re just looking for sex, so were they and then all of a sudden bam! You’re imagining wedding dresses and engagement rings. No. Back it up and as always, eat some Ben and Jerry’s first. Let those friends take care of you first before you try to take care of your freak flag before it’s ready to be flown again.
  • Love yourself. This may sound like a weird piece of advice to give, but let me elaborate. So many people frown upon one night stands or having sex just to have sex, but as humans we have needs. Do not go out to have sex to try and make you feel better about yourself. Do not put your lips on another’s hoping to bury your struggles or whatever you’re going through. Learn to love you. If you want sex because you want sex, go for it. If there are ulterior motives behind why you are getting in somebody else’s bed then it’s not going to go well for you in the long run.

These rules may not apply to everybody and like I stated before, this is just what helped me. I hope it helps all of you and you can enjoy sex without having to be tied down if that’s what you don’t want at the moment.

Everybody deserves sexy time.

However, if this all fails and you seem to have fallen in the trap you can click on this post and it will hopefully help you to recover from the fall.

How To Get Over an FWB

Face It

If you had the chance to get closure, would you?

Now before you go automatically saying yes, really think about it. Any sane person of course would say yes. I would too at first glance. Think about if you could go directly to the source of the problem years later and get the closure you needed, no matter what kind of closure it is and no matter what kind of situation it is.

If years had passed after the situation and you were finally starting to get on with your life the last year or so, after going through years of hell. Even though remnants of you are now partly missing and you could never fully get yourself back, you are healing and making up for the old bits and pieces with new shiny ones. You’ve just gotten a handle on yourself and had some time to rebuild and start new.

Would you then?

Would you dare?

At this point, some of you are black and white on the situation I’m sure. There are some who would point blank say no, they would never go back to that and then the rest may be thinking hell yes, why wouldn’t I?

Either answer is fine, but let me continue.

What if this was the cause of one of your biggest demons? Something that ate away at you for years, still showing its terror once in a while. While all those years, you begged to give the person that did this to you what for. You wanted to let them know the pain they had given to you and how much they had twisted your soul around.

You have the perfect chance after all these years to look this demon straight in the eyes and show them.

Are you brave enough?

Or in some way has sorting through your issues on your own been enough closure for you personally?

Maybe you worked through and found the closure yourself. But for some of us, the wounds never truly heal, we just find better ways to take care of it. Personally for me, my wound hasn’t truly healed after these last 6 years because I am left with a demon that will unfortunately be with me for the rest of my life. Tons of kids go through bully and unintentional psychological abuse that stays with them.

I’m one of those kids.

I was bullied for my looks, for my weight, for my personality from fourth grade to beginning of seventh grade and then I chose to be home schooled. I was bullied by my best friends at the time, not even kids I barely knew. It was the girls I thought were my friends, the ones I could trust. I didn’t have nearly as much money as them, and my looks were not as pretty as their fresh faces were.

I struggled with acne and weight and along in tow of that, was a low self-esteem so my personality was not as best as it could have been. From the few years of psychological trauma I went through, an eating disorder popped up. I would starve myself sometimes, starting at the young age of 11/12. I desperately wanted to fit in. These girls pressured me ruthlessly to be somebody I wasn’t. The eating disorder kicked my ass to the ground for a few years before it tapered off and I gained some normalcy back. Sometimes it pops up, but I’m a lot stronger now than I was then.

It has been 6 years since I spoke to one of the girls, the primary one that did this and all of a sudden the demon came knocking on my door with a Facebook friend request. I was torn for a little bit about whether or not I wanted to open the door, but being the nosey person I am, I did.

I hit the accept button.

When that request popped up, memories flooded back in my mind because it has been in the last couple of years that I am really regaining myself back. I am becoming whole again, with imperfections and flaws of course. There are still residual issues and problems I face with body dysmorphia all the time and eating disorder symptoms rarely these days.

But all throughout that time, I vowed to myself I would either never talk to those girls again in my life, or if I did I would give them a piece of my mind. I just never thought I would have the chance.

And even though the issue may be under wraps for you and closure isn’t so important at this point, would you sit down across from your demon and have a conversation with it?

Two chairs in one, dark room. One inhabits you and the other is your demon facing you, staring you back after all those years. Maybe the demon looks nothing like a monster and instead, looks like your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. Maybe the demon is a parent or a friend.

Maybe the demon is a reflection.

Somebody or something that doesn’t look threatening, and the thought of them doesn’t faze you. But now, all of a sudden you are right next to them. Are your palms sweating? Did the room get smaller? Darker? Maybe your throat closed up.

Having a conversation with a monster isn’t as easy as you thought it was.

All good things worth having, aren’t easy. If you somehow got the closure you needed by yourself, then why is it so hard to face it head-on?

Maybe we truly do need to conquer our demons and at the very least, make them smaller by conversing with them.

No matter who your demon is, they all need to be fought at some point.

Fiery Red

Since I left you guys right after I broke up with Mr. Nice Guy, I cannot tell you how unbelievably happy I have been since doing so. He was all wrong for me. He may be a nice guy, but all of you were right. Just because he’s nice doesn’t make him compatible. As bad as it may sound, breaking up with him was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.

The night I saw him after we broke up, I went to go pick him up because I was just being nice. He was coming home on leave and the person he hitched a ride with lived about 40 minutes away from us. He was trying to kiss me and hug me and I was just not having it. It took everything in me not to blow up on him. While in the car ride home, he started going through my phone. Normally, I wouldn’t care. But we just broke up… like dude, really? Personal space?

Then he asks me if he can come hang out with me and my friend that night and I told him no and he BEGGED.

While we were in the car on the way home, he uses MY phone to call MY mom and ask her if I’m doing anything the next day with my family (which I was).

How unbelievable.

There were so many things wrong with our relationship. Past just the normal dysfunctional thing that most people have. After the dust had settled on my end, he messaged my mom six months after we broke up saying he was still in love with me.

About a month or two after Mr. Crazy Guy and I broke up, and you guys might want to sit down for this if you’re not, I get a call from D. The infamous ex, my first and only true love, the one that I wanted to beat to a pulp.

I remember it vividly.

I was at Michael’s, with my mom and we were in line. I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket and I pulled it out to see who was calling.

His name appeared on the screen and my heart completely just stopped. My palms got sweaty and my mind went blank. It had been months since I had heard from him. The buzzing and call went to voicemail. My hands were shaky as I called him back. I had never felt more terrified in my life because I knew what was going to happen.

I know, all you may be thinking what is this girl doing? Is she completely insane?

Well, yes. I am. We started out as friends… for a week.

And then friends with benefits with AMAZING sex. Best sex I’ve ever had, best sex I still have.

That lasted for another week.

And then another week turned into talks about a relationship and well… there we were.

Talking through our problems like adults.

Our relationship has matured so much and, still almost a year later, him and I are together.

Even though it isn’t always perfect and I do sometimes want to give him a good whack in the head I wouldn’t want to whack anybody else. He makes me happy and throughout all the pain and crap, it has brought us back even closer. Which is definitely a cliche thing to say, I know, but it’s true. We may sometimes be feeling polar opposite things and we may not agree on everything, but that keeps things interesting. He respects my opinions and I respect his. We have less fights than we used to, but we do fight and I’m okay with that. There’s not one couple that doesn’t ever fight. But for those fights, the love that we share is so strong.

During the year we were apart, we both grew up a lot and now when we fight, the first thing in our heads isn’t to break up. It’s to want to strangle each other and THEN talk it over.

Because that’s normal and you all know it.

Here I am… a year later. A redhead, with D, in my second year of college, turning 20 in less than a month and yet… no idea what to do with my life.

The best is yet to come.

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Enough

After breaking up with my nice guy, I felt things were once again at peace with my life. My emotions and gut feelings and instincts were at rest. I could tell it was the right thing for me to do. 

It’s been a week and a half since I broke up with him. 

But now there’s another inner storm arise inside of myself. 

The feeling of not being good enough or pretty enough for somebody. Anybody, in general really. 

For myself. 

I was doing so well and I don’t need a guy to tell me how beautiful I am for me to believe it. That’s not what this is getting at. However, I’m at a low point these past few days with feeling this. 

Some moments I don’t want to look in the mirror. 

Other moments I don’t want people to look at me or talk to me. 

Sometimes, a picture of my best friend will pop up and I think “she is incredibly gorgeous”. Then I feel like I’m in her shadow, the not-so-pretty best friend to her. It’s always been very clear that a lot more people are attracted to her. 

I’ve never been widely known as being gorgeous or anything to that extent. Sure, some guys and girls will say it but sometimes it falls on deaf ears to me. It’s like I don’t even want to hear it. 

I don’t want to be told that. Somehow it just stings. 

And I know I’m not ugly or bad looking. 

I just feel… not enough. 

For myself mostly. 

I don’t even know why I’m feeling this way because I have no reason to and I wish I didn’t. 

Nobody deserves to feel this way. Nobody deserves to feel not enough. 

Not good enough. 

Not pretty enough. 

Not enough. 

Because everybody is and I wish that everybody felt enough. 

I put on makeup nearly every day to try and fill the void inside me. Hoping each and every morning that it will cure everything. 

But it doesn’t. 

I hope it contours just right. I hope it makes my eyes shine well. I hope it makes my face look slimmer. I hope it hides my skin. 

I hope it hides the pain. 

Because not one single person, not even me, should be sitting in their room feeling unworthy, average, dull, and not enough on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon. 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Spring Cleaning

Spring is right around the corner. Here in California, it’s pretty much been spring since summer ended. But in any case, along with everybody else I’m anticipating spring time. Our circadian rhythms are getting in tune with the light staying out longer and we’re starting to feel a need to spring clean. 

Every spring, there is a need for “out with the old, in with the new”. This spring is no exception. We feel the need to take a dip in the spring water filled pond and cleanse all the heaviness of the past year off of our skin. 

It’s like exfoliating. It’s sloughing off everything that has happened and all the shit we have been through. 

Here’s how I see our lives. 

Each year is a short story and there are four chapters. It starts out with spring as the first chapter, then goes to summer, then fall and finally winter. People might argue it starts with winter, but I think of it as us coming out of hibernation and the heaviest, coldest part of the year. We step out into the sun and feel the heat on our skins again, energizing and charging us up again bringing us back to life. It lets us start all over again. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m done with this past year. All the crap, bullshit, lies, and stupidity have got to go. 

I’m kicking the bullshit in the ass and out the door. I’m over the negativity and immaturity. 

Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

I have no more time to deal with people who are fake and are just going to lie to me. 

Only good vibes here, please. 

My short story is starting out at a cross roads with my love life. To be with Mr. Nice Guy, to not be with Mr. Nice guy. To not be is the answer… but when and how to go about it is undecided. 

I don’t want to go right back into a relationship, because I think I want to enjoy the single life some more. While at the same time, I’m over the pointless stuff. 

However, even with all that said… hopefully this chapter is just about having fun, focusing on myself and growing even more. 

Cheers to the year of doing our thangs. 

Out with the old and in with the new. 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Changes

Wow! Long time no blog, right? 

Truthfully… I haven’t had the writing bug much lately. I’m sorry I dropped off the face of the earth guys. It feels like a lot has been going on inside me, while at the same time it’s just been static. 

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss and think of you guys! I feel like you guys are a family to me and have been with me and seen so much and I hope I can keep up with blogging more. Since I started school back up, I haven’t done much because I’m so busy with that. But that’s not an excuse. 

It just hasn’t been in me to write lately. I had so much to say, yet nothing at all it seems. 

There is so much on this blog from my past, like a little archive of memories. It’s safe to say that I’m in a new chapter of my life and I felt the shift in things. 

Things had been going great with Mr. Nice Guy. 

Had? You may ask. 

We’re still together and things are good, don’t get me wrong. But there’s a part of me that is very much where I think that him and I are not going to be good long-term. I’m struggling with this badly right now.

He thinks funny faces are ugly and rude. I make funny faces all the time. 

He doesn’t think a lot of my jokes, and my family’s jokes are funny. My family has a funny and dirty sense of humor, as do I. 

He made a comment, out of not understand I think so I let it slide, that having A.D.D is a type of mental disability so it was a “special needs” type of thing. This was brought up because his professor made an ignorant comment to him about him being tested for that since he was being fidgety in one of his classes. I took that in a little bit offense from my nice guy, seeing as I think I have a minor form of A.D.D. 

He doesn’t like talking about pointless, random, every day things. It has to always be more of a serious conversation for him. My favorite conversations are pointless and random ones. 

He’s kind of needy. If it were up to him, he’d be calling me and talking on the phone all day. I feel like I have to sit down and clear out anything I have to do to be on the phone with him, or with anybody for that matter. Sometimes on the weekend, he’ll call two or three times throughout the day and expects to have multiple hours long conversations and then gets sad and upset when I have to go do something. Ain’t nobody got time for that. This girl has shit to do. Like eating ice cream looking like a hot mess in peace. 

Oh! Let’s not forget that one time him and I were conversing on the phone, and he starts talking about when he’s going to move back here and gets an apartment. He casually said, and I barely caught it before it registered in my brain, “You could visit your family anytime you wanted. I’d probably even go with you.” 

Whoa, whoa, whoa there tiger. 

He had been expecting me to move in with him when he moves back here. I mean, by this upcoming fall when he moves back we’d be together for a long time, but still. Hold your horses there. He’s also brought up the word “forever”. I used to not have a problem with that word. I used it with my ex, but ya know… after a year. Not after a month or two. I realized that forever isn’t always going to happen, even if you want it to. Things change. People change. It’s inevitable. 

He doesn’t really eat carbs. I eat pasta, sandwiches, ice cream, desserts… he rarely eats that stuff. I get it, eating healthy is great and I love to eat healthy… but cheat meals are good. I can’t live without my Ben & Jerry’s. Let’s be real here, no one can have as amazing a relationship with people as they do with Ben & Jerry’s. 

He doesn’t drink alcohol. I love to drink. It’s nice to be able to unwind. I don’t drink all the time, and I wouldn’t even if I was the legal age, but it’d be nice to have girls night in at the house with my bestie watching TV with our dinner and drinks. That would be our thing. We want to go out as well and have some fun. Not sloppy fun, but you know. He didn’t even really like the idea of me saying I was going to keep alcohol in the house. Only for “special occasions”. 

My nice guy is also coming down to visit soon. He wasn’t planning on having sex. That was second in his mind to everything else. It’s been a month since we’ve seen each other… I just don’t even know what to think about that. Sex was the first thing on my mind. It’s natural. 

It’s been a month since we became “official” and it’s only a short time and I want to give it more of a chance. However, that’s hard to do with him being five to six hours away. I can’t test us out physically together and doing things every day. He’s coming down next weekend, though. 

He’s a great guy though… but I’m just not sure anymore. I need y’alls opinions. I’m talking this out and thinking it through before I do anything stupid. This is a battle inside of me right now. He’s an amazing guy and I can’t stress that enough. I have nothing bad to say about him personally, just how him and I conflict with each others opinions and stuff like that. 

I can honestly say I love all of you so much and I hope I get some of your feedback on this. You have no idea how much I take all your opinions to heart and think about them. You guys have helped me go through some serious stuff whether you realize it or not and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Tessellation

As the world is at a hush, a blanket of night falling over the day

Street and store lights bedazzle the infinite and dark blue in the sky

Dew starts forming on the quiet stillness as the bustle rolls away

The stars light up for us, twinkling like soft balls of fire

Brightness in the darkest hour, the moon illuminates outside

Guiding the light down, it makes its way through the window into the room

Soft shadows dance around us, creating a dusky vision

A sleepy you and a sleepy me lie awake, in a world of our own

While others’ chests are faintly heaving and eyes dreaming of lullabies

You are the cynosure of my eyes, a sureness in the unknown of night

And within the sheets two warm bodies covered, our love tessellates  

A sudden frisson explodes in the deepest part of me as your lips hit my bare back

Murmurs of the AC cause our legs to meet somewhere in the middle

Within the dreamy, seclusion of midnight two lives attach together

Every tingling touch, every whisper coming from somnolent lips

Our souls are playful, constantly going back and forth in the still moonlight

Two lovers’ secrets caught inside the discreet opaqueness of night 

 

 

 

I know this is different than my normal blogs, but I used to write poems a lot actually and felt in touch with that side tonight so I hope you enjoyed this! 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo