I’ve been trying to stay busy, to keep my mind on other things, but as I find myself alone at night… my feelings and thoughts swallow me.

When everybody else has gone to bed and is no longer awake, or when I don’t feel like talking anymore… the weight of the world lays on my chest.

Tonight, I am scared.

Tonight, I am vulnerable.

Even though I still haven’t told what happened between my ex, D and I, I miss the relationship. I know things weren’t good and there were too many issues that weren’t being fixed and as much as things went bad, our love was real.

“The greater the love, the greater the chaos” – Jonathan Carroll.

I am terrified that I will never experience such a love like ours again. I lose my breath just thinking that I may never find a love as strong as ours was. I’m aware that everybody’s love is different and you will never have the same love twice, but life is too short for mediocre love.

I miss our love. I miss what we could have been, if only we were different.

I didn’t break up with him because I no longer loved him. I did it so that he would start to fix himself and so I could find somebody who could be there for me the way I needed them to. But oh, I loved him. If I had stayed that love would have burned me alive in the most beautiful, devastatingly way.

We will always have a love for each other, it will always show in our eyes, for as much as he may hate me right now, the love is there.

My heart is so, so heavy tonight.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo


Out of the Blue

In a post I wrote a while back, I played around with the idea of closure.

Do we really need it? Does it actually benefit us?

Can we truly move on with our lives without it?

Some people disagree with closure, saying life isn’t always so perfect to put back together. We just have to pick up the pieces left behind and make do with what we have. However, in my opinion and at least for myself, I find closure necessary for some things in order for my soul to feel calm and at peace.

Some of you may remember Army boy. The boy who knew I liked him, who I thought liked me, but instead used me and lied to me. He was the first guy after I had broken up with my ex that I liked. So Long, Luckless Romance

If you read through my post on him, it goes into better depth than this post is going to get. However, I do have to add one small bit to that post. At the time, I still had feelings for him. So, when he lied to me and said he didn’t want to get into a relationship before deployment, but then did… it hurt like a bitch.

But do you want to know what hurt more?

He got married to the girl. Imagine the pain I went through when I learned this.

Eventually, I moved on but always wondered what had been wrong with me to him. How I could have made the situation better. What I could have done to make him like me more. How he could have lied to me like he did, how he could have used me.

Fast forward four years later, to this past December. Army boy and I hadn’t had any further conversation or contact after our last text messages before he deployed, so we went four years without speaking. I was on Instagram one night, scrolling through my feed. I noticed a picture of Army boy at Disneyland. Being a Disney person, I liked the photo.

He liked a photo of mine back.

I liked one of his back.

And this continued for a couple more photos. We hadn’t had this much contact in years.

Imagine my surprise, when he slid into my DM’s out of the blue saying, “So are we just going to continue liking each other’s pictures or are we going to talk?”. Part of me didn’t want to reply, but because I’m nosy and like to stir things up from time to time, I replied. It was small talk for the most part, but it was starting to lean towards flirtatious.

I asked him how his wife was doing.

He said the relationship wasn’t doing well, but he didn’t want to talk about it.

Cue the eye roll.

He was trying to hint at hooking up. I was still with my ex at this time, so obviously I told him no. And if that’s not enough of a reason, he has a wife back home.

But this isn’t even the biggest drop of news. He wants to meet up. I reluctantly agreed. I realized it was my time to get closure. This is what I had been looking for all along.

We met up at a local coffee shop and talked. That was all. I realized the conversation just wasn’t there for us. There was no spark there for me. It was all gone. It was friendly, at most.

At the end I went to give him a hug goodbye with my coffee still in hand, and what really sealed the deal for me… I spilled coffee on his back. Win!

I thought spilling coffee on him just made up for everything.

However, it did not end there.

Later on, he messaged me.

He said he regrets treating me the way he did and he knows it ended on a bad note because of him. He brought this up all on his own, without me saying anything about our past. And to be quite honest, this pissed me off. He knew all along he was acting like a douche. He realized how bad he treated me.

Then he goes on saying that he wished he would have pursued me further and seen where him and I could have gone.

I was livid this night. I told him he screwed up and ruined it all and that he should have pursued me because I really, genuinely liked him.

The lesson from all of this…

Sometimes closure does come back around to bite you in the ass.

Screw you and your uniform, Army boy.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Chocolate-covered Hazelnuts

Oh, the places a love lost will bring us to.

Sometimes we end up in a bar, looking to find forever in the arms of a strange at last call.

Or maybe we find ourselves sitting on the beach, looking out into the vastness of the ocean, thinking there must be more to life than we can see.

Most of us find ourselves chained to our beds, as if they were prisons and we can’t escape.

Well, tonight I find myself with a glass of whisky and chocolate-covered hazelnuts writing to you at 2 in the morning on a Monday listening to 90’s R&B.

Wherever we find ourselves on a night like this, wherever you may be tonight, whatever you may be trying to forget… we can’t run from it.

Tonight I’m keeping my window open to let the cold, late winter breeze embrace my skin in hopes that it will somehow keep my thoughts on track and not going in a hundred different directions.

Sometimes the hardest things in life are letting go of the people you love. They say love conquers all, but does it really? Does love conquer empty promises, inexcusable absences, little effort and shutting you down when they should be listening? To what extent does love conquer us? To what extent do we even want love to conquer us? Do we want to become blind to people who appear to treasure us, but in reality, aren’t who we need them to be?

So often we let love consume us and in return, our eyes develop a rosy tint. Everything seems to be perfect and it is only when we realize we deserve better do we see the wrong in the relationship.

We see the way they shut us down when we’re talking about something that genuinely excites us.

We see the way they don’t feel the need to be romantic with us any longer.

We see the way they won’t make an effort to come to events with us, always leaving us by ourselves… having to lie saying your partner has work.

We see the way we are putting in our entire soul only for half of it to be returned back to us.

We start to see the way we deserve better.

We become detached, after trying so long to make it work, trying to convince ourselves we could be happy like this forever.

But soon, the rosy tint fades from our eyes and we can see what we need.

The person we were trying to make them out to be just isn’t going to happen. You can’t change a person. We can’t make them into somebody they are not, but we try. Oh, do we try… we try until we are crying, wishing that we didn’t have to leave a comfortable, long, love. But we love them, so even when we are pushed to this point we keep trying. We keep giving 110% of us to them, purely out of hope they will change.

But they won’t.

You can’t change a person.

They have to want to change on their own, and hopefully it’s before it’s too late.

Love does not always conquer all.

Sometimes, as much as we don’t want to or believe we can’t, letting go is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

We have to say goodbye, lover.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Unstable Foundations

Humans are a species known for having bad habits and addictions that we can’t quit. No matter how much you try to deny this, you know it’s true deep down. Whether it’s as small as coffee or as big as drugs.

My bad habits and addictions lie in making a home out of somebody with an unstable foundation, unfortunately. I rarely ever learn my lesson in love and I get burned with my desire to try and patch the cracks in the foundation with something like putty. It may solve it momentarily but in the long run, putty won’t keep a foundation solid.

You’d think I would have learned from the past. You’d think I would have run away after the hundredth empty promise. But alas, humans have a knack for choosing precisely the thing they shouldn’t. We make homes out of people with unstable foundations, because the home is the part we look at. The foundation is the part we never look at and we tend to forget about it. We try to patch it along the way but eventually it caves.

Last I left you guys off, I had gotten back together with D. My first love, my first everything, my best friend. I’ll keep it short for this post…

When I started my blog, I broke up with him after being together for maybe four years or so. I was broken up with him for almost a year, and you guys all got to see the trials and loves lost throughout that time. About a year later he called me and knowing how weak I am in the presence of him and how much chemistry we have, it was only a matter of time of getting back together. Which we did. We were together for another four, almost five years. Unfortunately, the foundation was never rebuilt and he in fact, had not changed. He broke up with me a handful of times throughout those second set of years. And finally, a month ago… I made the heartbreaking decision this was not a foundation I could trust to build my home on.

We are a long, complicated history with much love and lots of unfortunate stories.

Stay tuned for more, kids. Get those hard hats out to protect yourself from the rubble and mess of our love.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Back From the Dead

Guess who’s back?

That’s right, it’s your fellow love and heartbreak blogger back from the dead. I can’t believe I haven’t logged into WordPress in over two years now. Coming back to read all the comments just fills me with so much hope and inspiration. I love y’all. However, there is a part of me that feels guilty for not being here for you guys. I’m not even sure if anybody remembers who I am, or reads my blogs anymore! Here’s to hoping you do.

I didn’t log in because for the most part, I got busy with life and things were boring in my love life… for the most part. But in a twist of fate, although so much has changed in the last few years, I am back in the same position as when I first started blogging.

Reading through my old posts, I have learned a lot and I have been wrong many times looking back. I have changed and I feel I have lost myself a little along the way. I’m here to get it all back.

I’m here to let you guys know you’re not alone in this world when it comes to love mishaps and heartbreak.

There are plenty of stories and tales to come! Unfortunately, none of them are made up fairytales of knights in shining armor or fairies in a forest.


With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Guidelines for an FWB

Since my last how-to post about getting over an FWB has been one of my most commented and liked posts, I’ve decided to give you guys some rules or guidelines. It seems a lot of you, like myself, got trapped in something you were never intended to be trapped into. Having a friends with benefits is really tricky and isn’t for everybody, I know this. Here below are some things that I followed and mentally did when I had one.

  • Now, I know within the name it says “friends” but this is one of the biggest tricks. You can be close with them, but keep it at a distance. If you are telling them everything, always confiding in them and doing everything together like best friends… when you put sex into that equation feelings are going to spark up. There is a fine line for this friend to be able to get the benefits from you.
  • Pick somebody who you normally wouldn’t date. This has to be somebody that you’ve never had feelings for and if you did at one point you are totally and completely over them. There has to be things within this person that you would never want to deal with if you were a couple. Of course you need to be attracted to them because of well, obvious reasons but this doesn’t mean you should want to marry them.
  • Personally, if I was having sex with a guy just purely for sex and he genuinely complimented me during the act on my appearance/myself/not sex related, I blocked it out. Also, if he or she calls you baby repeatedly during these wonderful acts, you might want to block those names out as well. This is a very personal preference but knowing myself, I would have developed some sort of tiny emotional bond that could become more and I didn’t want that. Something like this may not effect everybody, but if it does just accept the compliment and continue doing what you’re doing without giving it any thought.
  • Do NOT start having sex with somebody right after you’ve broken up with your significant other. At this point you’re just looking to fill the void within you and this poor sucker is going to fall into that black hole unintentionally. It will be unfair to him/her because you’ve said you’re just looking for sex, so were they and then all of a sudden bam! You’re imagining wedding dresses and engagement rings. No. Back it up and as always, eat some Ben and Jerry’s first. Let those friends take care of you first before you try to take care of your freak flag before it’s ready to be flown again.
  • Love yourself. This may sound like a weird piece of advice to give, but let me elaborate. So many people frown upon one night stands or having sex just to have sex, but as humans we have needs. Do not go out to have sex to try and make you feel better about yourself. Do not put your lips on another’s hoping to bury your struggles or whatever you’re going through. Learn to love you. If you want sex because you want sex, go for it. If there are ulterior motives behind why you are getting in somebody else’s bed then it’s not going to go well for you in the long run.

These rules may not apply to everybody and like I stated before, this is just what helped me. I hope it helps all of you and you can enjoy sex without having to be tied down if that’s what you don’t want at the moment.

Everybody deserves sexy time.

However, if this all fails and you seem to have fallen in the trap you can click on this post and it will hopefully help you to recover from the fall.

How To Get Over an FWB

Face It

If you had the chance to get closure, would you?

Now before you go automatically saying yes, really think about it. Any sane person of course would say yes. I would too at first glance. Think about if you could go directly to the source of the problem years later and get the closure you needed, no matter what kind of closure it is and no matter what kind of situation it is.

If years had passed after the situation and you were finally starting to get on with your life the last year or so, after going through years of hell. Even though remnants of you are now partly missing and you could never fully get yourself back, you are healing and making up for the old bits and pieces with new shiny ones. You’ve just gotten a handle on yourself and had some time to rebuild and start new.

Would you then?

Would you dare?

At this point, some of you are black and white on the situation I’m sure. There are some who would point blank say no, they would never go back to that and then the rest may be thinking hell yes, why wouldn’t I?

Either answer is fine, but let me continue.

What if this was the cause of one of your biggest demons? Something that ate away at you for years, still showing its terror once in a while. While all those years, you begged to give the person that did this to you what for. You wanted to let them know the pain they had given to you and how much they had twisted your soul around.

You have the perfect chance after all these years to look this demon straight in the eyes and show them.

Are you brave enough?

Or in some way has sorting through your issues on your own been enough closure for you personally?

Maybe you worked through and found the closure yourself. But for some of us, the wounds never truly heal, we just find better ways to take care of it. Personally for me, my wound hasn’t truly healed after these last 6 years because I am left with a demon that will unfortunately be with me for the rest of my life. Tons of kids go through bully and unintentional psychological abuse that stays with them.

I’m one of those kids.

I was bullied for my looks, for my weight, for my personality from fourth grade to beginning of seventh grade and then I chose to be home schooled. I was bullied by my best friends at the time, not even kids I barely knew. It was the girls I thought were my friends, the ones I could trust. I didn’t have nearly as much money as them, and my looks were not as pretty as their fresh faces were.

I struggled with acne and weight and along in tow of that, was a low self-esteem so my personality was not as best as it could have been. From the few years of psychological trauma I went through, an eating disorder popped up. I would starve myself sometimes, starting at the young age of 11/12. I desperately wanted to fit in. These girls pressured me ruthlessly to be somebody I wasn’t. The eating disorder kicked my ass to the ground for a few years before it tapered off and I gained some normalcy back. Sometimes it pops up, but I’m a lot stronger now than I was then.

It has been 6 years since I spoke to one of the girls, the primary one that did this and all of a sudden the demon came knocking on my door with a Facebook friend request. I was torn for a little bit about whether or not I wanted to open the door, but being the nosey person I am, I did.

I hit the accept button.

When that request popped up, memories flooded back in my mind because it has been in the last couple of years that I am really regaining myself back. I am becoming whole again, with imperfections and flaws of course. There are still residual issues and problems I face with body dysmorphia all the time and eating disorder symptoms rarely these days.

But all throughout that time, I vowed to myself I would either never talk to those girls again in my life, or if I did I would give them a piece of my mind. I just never thought I would have the chance.

And even though the issue may be under wraps for you and closure isn’t so important at this point, would you sit down across from your demon and have a conversation with it?

Two chairs in one, dark room. One inhabits you and the other is your demon facing you, staring you back after all those years. Maybe the demon looks nothing like a monster and instead, looks like your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. Maybe the demon is a parent or a friend.

Maybe the demon is a reflection.

Somebody or something that doesn’t look threatening, and the thought of them doesn’t faze you. But now, all of a sudden you are right next to them. Are your palms sweating? Did the room get smaller? Darker? Maybe your throat closed up.

Having a conversation with a monster isn’t as easy as you thought it was.

All good things worth having, aren’t easy. If you somehow got the closure you needed by yourself, then why is it so hard to face it head-on?

Maybe we truly do need to conquer our demons and at the very least, make them smaller by conversing with them.

No matter who your demon is, they all need to be fought at some point.