Chocolate-covered Hazelnuts

Oh, the places a love lost will bring us to.

Sometimes we end up in a bar, looking to find forever in the arms of a strange at last call.

Or maybe we find ourselves sitting on the beach, looking out into the vastness of the ocean, thinking there must be more to life than we can see.

Most of us find ourselves chained to our beds, as if they were prisons and we can’t escape.

Well, tonight I find myself with a glass of whisky and chocolate-covered hazelnuts writing to you at 2 in the morning on a Monday listening to 90’s R&B.

Wherever we find ourselves on a night like this, wherever you may be tonight, whatever you may be trying to forget… we can’t run from it.

Tonight I’m keeping my window open to let the cold, late winter breeze embrace my skin in hopes that it will somehow keep my thoughts on track and not going in a hundred different directions.

Sometimes the hardest things in life are letting go of the people you love. They say love conquers all, but does it really? Does love conquer empty promises, inexcusable absences, little effort and shutting you down when they should be listening? To what extent does love conquer us? To what extent do we even want love to conquer us? Do we want to become blind to people who appear to treasure us, but in reality, aren’t who we need them to be?

So often we let love consume us and in return, our eyes develop a rosy tint. Everything seems to be perfect and it is only when we realize we deserve better do we see the wrong in the relationship.

We see the way they shut us down when we’re talking about something that genuinely excites us.

We see the way they don’t feel the need to be romantic with us any longer.

We see the way they won’t make an effort to come to events with us, always leaving us by ourselves… having to lie saying your partner has work.

We see the way we are putting in our entire soul only for half of it to be returned back to us.

We start to see the way we deserve better.

We become detached, after trying so long to make it work, trying to convince ourselves we could be happy like this forever.

But soon, the rosy tint fades from our eyes and we can see what we need.

The person we were trying to make them out to be just isn’t going to happen. You can’t change a person. We can’t make them into somebody they are not, but we try. Oh, do we try… we try until we are crying, wishing that we didn’t have to leave a comfortable, long, love. But we love them, so even when we are pushed to this point we keep trying. We keep giving 110% of us to them, purely out of hope they will change.

But they won’t.

You can’t change a person.

They have to want to change on their own, and hopefully it’s before it’s too late.

Love does not always conquer all.

Sometimes, as much as we don’t want to or believe we can’t, letting go is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

We have to say goodbye, lover.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

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Unstable Foundations

Humans are a species known for having bad habits and addictions that we can’t quit. No matter how much you try to deny this, you know it’s true deep down. Whether it’s as small as coffee or as big as drugs.

My bad habits and addictions lie in making a home out of somebody with an unstable foundation, unfortunately. I rarely ever learn my lesson in love and I get burned with my desire to try and patch the cracks in the foundation with something like putty. It may solve it momentarily but in the long run, putty won’t keep a foundation solid.

You’d think I would have learned from the past. You’d think I would have run away after the hundredth empty promise. But alas, humans have a knack for choosing precisely the thing they shouldn’t. We make homes out of people with unstable foundations, because the home is the part we look at. The foundation is the part we never look at and we tend to forget about it. We try to patch it along the way but eventually it caves.

Last I left you guys off, I had gotten back together with D. My first love, my first everything, my best friend. I’ll keep it short for this post…

When I started my blog, I broke up with him after being together for maybe four years or so. I was broken up with him for almost a year, and you guys all got to see the trials and loves lost throughout that time. About a year later he called me and knowing how weak I am in the presence of him and how much chemistry we have, it was only a matter of time of getting back together. Which we did. We were together for another four, almost five years. Unfortunately, the foundation was never rebuilt and he in fact, had not changed. He broke up with me a handful of times throughout those second set of years. And finally, a month ago… I made the heartbreaking decision this was not a foundation I could trust to build my home on.

We are a long, complicated history with much love and lots of unfortunate stories.

Stay tuned for more, kids. Get those hard hats out to protect yourself from the rubble and mess of our love.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Back From the Dead

Guess who’s back?

That’s right, it’s your fellow love and heartbreak blogger back from the dead. I can’t believe I haven’t logged into WordPress in over two years now. Coming back to read all the comments just fills me with so much hope and inspiration. I love y’all. However, there is a part of me that feels guilty for not being here for you guys. I’m not even sure if anybody remembers who I am, or reads my blogs anymore! Here’s to hoping you do.

I didn’t log in because for the most part, I got busy with life and things were boring in my love life… for the most part. But in a twist of fate, although so much has changed in the last few years, I am back in the same position as when I first started blogging.

Reading through my old posts, I have learned a lot and I have been wrong many times looking back. I have changed and I feel I have lost myself a little along the way. I’m here to get it all back.

I’m here to let you guys know you’re not alone in this world when it comes to love mishaps and heartbreak.

There are plenty of stories and tales to come! Unfortunately, none of them are made up fairytales of knights in shining armor or fairies in a forest.

 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Guidelines for an FWB

Since my last how-to post about getting over an FWB has been one of my most commented and liked posts, I’ve decided to give you guys some rules or guidelines. It seems a lot of you, like myself, got trapped in something you were never intended to be trapped into. Having a friends with benefits is really tricky and isn’t for everybody, I know this. Here below are some things that I followed and mentally did when I had one.

  • Now, I know within the name it says “friends” but this is one of the biggest tricks. You can be close with them, but keep it at a distance. If you are telling them everything, always confiding in them and doing everything together like best friends… when you put sex into that equation feelings are going to spark up. There is a fine line for this friend to be able to get the benefits from you.
  • Pick somebody who you normally wouldn’t date. This has to be somebody that you’ve never had feelings for and if you did at one point you are totally and completely over them. There has to be things within this person that you would never want to deal with if you were a couple. Of course you need to be attracted to them because of well, obvious reasons but this doesn’t mean you should want to marry them.
  • Personally, if I was having sex with a guy just purely for sex and he genuinely complimented me during the act on my appearance/myself/not sex related, I blocked it out. Also, if he or she calls you baby repeatedly during these wonderful acts, you might want to block those names out as well. This is a very personal preference but knowing myself, I would have developed some sort of tiny emotional bond that could become more and I didn’t want that. Something like this may not effect everybody, but if it does just accept the compliment and continue doing what you’re doing without giving it any thought.
  • Do NOT start having sex with somebody right after you’ve broken up with your significant other. At this point you’re just looking to fill the void within you and this poor sucker is going to fall into that black hole unintentionally. It will be unfair to him/her because you’ve said you’re just looking for sex, so were they and then all of a sudden bam! You’re imagining wedding dresses and engagement rings. No. Back it up and as always, eat some Ben and Jerry’s first. Let those friends take care of you first before you try to take care of your freak flag before it’s ready to be flown again.
  • Love yourself. This may sound like a weird piece of advice to give, but let me elaborate. So many people frown upon one night stands or having sex just to have sex, but as humans we have needs. Do not go out to have sex to try and make you feel better about yourself. Do not put your lips on another’s hoping to bury your struggles or whatever you’re going through. Learn to love you. If you want sex because you want sex, go for it. If there are ulterior motives behind why you are getting in somebody else’s bed then it’s not going to go well for you in the long run.

These rules may not apply to everybody and like I stated before, this is just what helped me. I hope it helps all of you and you can enjoy sex without having to be tied down if that’s what you don’t want at the moment.

Everybody deserves sexy time.

However, if this all fails and you seem to have fallen in the trap you can click on this post and it will hopefully help you to recover from the fall.

How To Get Over an FWB

Face It

If you had the chance to get closure, would you?

Now before you go automatically saying yes, really think about it. Any sane person of course would say yes. I would too at first glance. Think about if you could go directly to the source of the problem years later and get the closure you needed, no matter what kind of closure it is and no matter what kind of situation it is.

If years had passed after the situation and you were finally starting to get on with your life the last year or so, after going through years of hell. Even though remnants of you are now partly missing and you could never fully get yourself back, you are healing and making up for the old bits and pieces with new shiny ones. You’ve just gotten a handle on yourself and had some time to rebuild and start new.

Would you then?

Would you dare?

At this point, some of you are black and white on the situation I’m sure. There are some who would point blank say no, they would never go back to that and then the rest may be thinking hell yes, why wouldn’t I?

Either answer is fine, but let me continue.

What if this was the cause of one of your biggest demons? Something that ate away at you for years, still showing its terror once in a while. While all those years, you begged to give the person that did this to you what for. You wanted to let them know the pain they had given to you and how much they had twisted your soul around.

You have the perfect chance after all these years to look this demon straight in the eyes and show them.

Are you brave enough?

Or in some way has sorting through your issues on your own been enough closure for you personally?

Maybe you worked through and found the closure yourself. But for some of us, the wounds never truly heal, we just find better ways to take care of it. Personally for me, my wound hasn’t truly healed after these last 6 years because I am left with a demon that will unfortunately be with me for the rest of my life. Tons of kids go through bully and unintentional psychological abuse that stays with them.

I’m one of those kids.

I was bullied for my looks, for my weight, for my personality from fourth grade to beginning of seventh grade and then I chose to be home schooled. I was bullied by my best friends at the time, not even kids I barely knew. It was the girls I thought were my friends, the ones I could trust. I didn’t have nearly as much money as them, and my looks were not as pretty as their fresh faces were.

I struggled with acne and weight and along in tow of that, was a low self-esteem so my personality was not as best as it could have been. From the few years of psychological trauma I went through, an eating disorder popped up. I would starve myself sometimes, starting at the young age of 11/12. I desperately wanted to fit in. These girls pressured me ruthlessly to be somebody I wasn’t. The eating disorder kicked my ass to the ground for a few years before it tapered off and I gained some normalcy back. Sometimes it pops up, but I’m a lot stronger now than I was then.

It has been 6 years since I spoke to one of the girls, the primary one that did this and all of a sudden the demon came knocking on my door with a Facebook friend request. I was torn for a little bit about whether or not I wanted to open the door, but being the nosey person I am, I did.

I hit the accept button.

When that request popped up, memories flooded back in my mind because it has been in the last couple of years that I am really regaining myself back. I am becoming whole again, with imperfections and flaws of course. There are still residual issues and problems I face with body dysmorphia all the time and eating disorder symptoms rarely these days.

But all throughout that time, I vowed to myself I would either never talk to those girls again in my life, or if I did I would give them a piece of my mind. I just never thought I would have the chance.

And even though the issue may be under wraps for you and closure isn’t so important at this point, would you sit down across from your demon and have a conversation with it?

Two chairs in one, dark room. One inhabits you and the other is your demon facing you, staring you back after all those years. Maybe the demon looks nothing like a monster and instead, looks like your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. Maybe the demon is a parent or a friend.

Maybe the demon is a reflection.

Somebody or something that doesn’t look threatening, and the thought of them doesn’t faze you. But now, all of a sudden you are right next to them. Are your palms sweating? Did the room get smaller? Darker? Maybe your throat closed up.

Having a conversation with a monster isn’t as easy as you thought it was.

All good things worth having, aren’t easy. If you somehow got the closure you needed by yourself, then why is it so hard to face it head-on?

Maybe we truly do need to conquer our demons and at the very least, make them smaller by conversing with them.

No matter who your demon is, they all need to be fought at some point.

Fiery Red

Since I left you guys right after I broke up with Mr. Nice Guy, I cannot tell you how unbelievably happy I have been since doing so. He was all wrong for me. He may be a nice guy, but all of you were right. Just because he’s nice doesn’t make him compatible. As bad as it may sound, breaking up with him was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.

The night I saw him after we broke up, I went to go pick him up because I was just being nice. He was coming home on leave and the person he hitched a ride with lived about 40 minutes away from us. He was trying to kiss me and hug me and I was just not having it. It took everything in me not to blow up on him. While in the car ride home, he started going through my phone. Normally, I wouldn’t care. But we just broke up… like dude, really? Personal space?

Then he asks me if he can come hang out with me and my friend that night and I told him no and he BEGGED.

While we were in the car on the way home, he uses MY phone to call MY mom and ask her if I’m doing anything the next day with my family (which I was).

How unbelievable.

There were so many things wrong with our relationship. Past just the normal dysfunctional thing that most people have. After the dust had settled on my end, he messaged my mom six months after we broke up saying he was still in love with me.

About a month or two after Mr. Crazy Guy and I broke up, and you guys might want to sit down for this if you’re not, I get a call from D. The infamous ex, my first and only true love, the one that I wanted to beat to a pulp.

I remember it vividly.

I was at Michael’s, with my mom and we were in line. I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket and I pulled it out to see who was calling.

His name appeared on the screen and my heart completely just stopped. My palms got sweaty and my mind went blank. It had been months since I had heard from him. The buzzing and call went to voicemail. My hands were shaky as I called him back. I had never felt more terrified in my life because I knew what was going to happen.

I know, all you may be thinking what is this girl doing? Is she completely insane?

Well, yes. I am. We started out as friends… for a week.

And then friends with benefits with AMAZING sex. Best sex I’ve ever had, best sex I still have.

That lasted for another week.

And then another week turned into talks about a relationship and well… there we were.

Talking through our problems like adults.

Our relationship has matured so much and, still almost a year later, him and I are together.

Even though it isn’t always perfect and I do sometimes want to give him a good whack in the head I wouldn’t want to whack anybody else. He makes me happy and throughout all the pain and crap, it has brought us back even closer. Which is definitely a cliche thing to say, I know, but it’s true. We may sometimes be feeling polar opposite things and we may not agree on everything, but that keeps things interesting. He respects my opinions and I respect his. We have less fights than we used to, but we do fight and I’m okay with that. There’s not one couple that doesn’t ever fight. But for those fights, the love that we share is so strong.

During the year we were apart, we both grew up a lot and now when we fight, the first thing in our heads isn’t to break up. It’s to want to strangle each other and THEN talk it over.

Because that’s normal and you all know it.

Here I am… a year later. A redhead, with D, in my second year of college, turning 20 in less than a month and yet… no idea what to do with my life.

The best is yet to come.

IMG_20150204_8

Enough

After breaking up with my nice guy, I felt things were once again at peace with my life. My emotions and gut feelings and instincts were at rest. I could tell it was the right thing for me to do. 

It’s been a week and a half since I broke up with him. 

But now there’s another inner storm arise inside of myself. 

The feeling of not being good enough or pretty enough for somebody. Anybody, in general really. 

For myself. 

I was doing so well and I don’t need a guy to tell me how beautiful I am for me to believe it. That’s not what this is getting at. However, I’m at a low point these past few days with feeling this. 

Some moments I don’t want to look in the mirror. 

Other moments I don’t want people to look at me or talk to me. 

Sometimes, a picture of my best friend will pop up and I think “she is incredibly gorgeous”. Then I feel like I’m in her shadow, the not-so-pretty best friend to her. It’s always been very clear that a lot more people are attracted to her. 

I’ve never been widely known as being gorgeous or anything to that extent. Sure, some guys and girls will say it but sometimes it falls on deaf ears to me. It’s like I don’t even want to hear it. 

I don’t want to be told that. Somehow it just stings. 

And I know I’m not ugly or bad looking. 

I just feel… not enough. 

For myself mostly. 

I don’t even know why I’m feeling this way because I have no reason to and I wish I didn’t. 

Nobody deserves to feel this way. Nobody deserves to feel not enough. 

Not good enough. 

Not pretty enough. 

Not enough. 

Because everybody is and I wish that everybody felt enough. 

I put on makeup nearly every day to try and fill the void inside me. Hoping each and every morning that it will cure everything. 

But it doesn’t. 

I hope it contours just right. I hope it makes my eyes shine well. I hope it makes my face look slimmer. I hope it hides my skin. 

I hope it hides the pain. 

Because not one single person, not even me, should be sitting in their room feeling unworthy, average, dull, and not enough on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon. 

With all the love in my body, 

whiskeyinateacupp xo