Sometimes when you know, you know.
So often we doubt our feelings in hopes that we’re wrong. We push our thoughts away, even though they never leave. The thoughts just sit there, getting louder and louder every day that passes by.
We try to talk ourselves into thinking we’re just crazy, or imagining things… but we’re not, are we?
I have a pretty decent intuition and it’s usually right. I don’t take these feelings lightly though, so when I want to make a life changing decision, I give my all to fix the situation before I do.
And this is the story of what led to the final chapter of D and me.
Last April is when the story really first starts. Let me preface this by saying D has depression, anxiety and a doctor once told him he was bipolar even though I think it was a false diagnosis. So, when something happens to D that is bad or unfavorable, he shuts down and lets it take over his life. He will not get help for it. I tried all I could to help him, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t enough to help him.
He was going through a hard time with a family because a situation that happened with his dad. So, in April he broke up with me. He said it was going to be his time to figure things out on his end and try to better himself. Truthfully, I think that reason was bullshit and he wanted to hang out with his friends more instead of having me to “weigh him down”. However, in trying to save the relationship from a pointless breakup I talked him into having us still be in contact and hanging out sometimes without the hard term of “relationship”. That lasted a little while before he officially cut ties.
As usual, I was devastated. I had hoped after our big breakup of 2013 and reunion of 2014, this on-again/off-again relationship was done. But it wasn’t. In fact, he had broken up with me a couple times before this.
I became extremely depressed… a place I hadn’t been to in years. I thought about suicide one night because it felt like my world was crashing. I texted D that night, hoping he would help. Our conversation?
D: “Do you want me to call the cops?”
For all he knew, I could have ended it that night and it was like he didn’t care at all.
I started going to the beach to enjoy the ocean and the sunsets to find my inner peace. Eventually I started finding it and realized I was going to be okay, and that this breakup was actually for the better.
But I should have known what was coming. He called me one July morning saying he wanted to give us another try.
I was reluctant. A part of me knew I shouldn’t and something inside told me it wasn’t a good idea.
But I felt I owed it to the relationship to give it one last try, so I did.
The year did not go smoothly. It went… okay.
D had been severely depressed for the last two years and it was affecting our relationship. I begged him to get help because I can only do so much but he never wanted to.
He liked to play victim and wallow in the negativity. As somebody who believes in energy and radiating positive vibrations, it got to a point where his energy was affecting mine.
And then in December, I lost my grandma to cancer who was my second mother. She raised me. My world fell apart.
Before I lost her, I was venting to D one day over text about it. He never really comforted me, all he ever said was I needed to be strong. In my opinion, you don’t tell somebody that in this type of situation. So, I responded with “Yeah”, a one word response, but then continued to type a second message.
Before I could send the second message, he blew up on me. He started arguing with me and shut down on me and hardly talked to me for a couple of days. I don’t know what kind of person does that. That was one of the final straws.
I couldn’t be with somebody who has such little empathy for others.
Then he started picking fights with and alienating his friends for little reasons.
I get it, he has depression. I know that really affects life, but he never attempted help. I’m going to school for psych and I am one of the most understanding people out there, but if you don’t want to better your situation, it starts affecting everything. After two years, I was starting to shut down to him.
So, finally in January… I went into the new year with a new mindset. My soul was tired, it was aching, I could hardly feel it anymore. I needed to make a change for my well-being. I decided to go into the new year and just completely radiate positive energy and let all the negativity go. And so one morning, I changed. Slowly I started to feel better, but there was still a weight on me. I realized what it was.
I had to break up with D in order to save myself. I had to let go of my best friend, my love, of almost a decade. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made because I was letting go of possibly one of the strongest, if not the strongest love I’ll ever have in my life.
But I needed to.
As terrible as it sounds, I felt so much better after the breakup. My soul could breathe again and I could just feel myself recharging day by day. I will never stop loving him, but we are better off apart.
I felt peace, positivity and just overall better vibes enter my life.
It had been time for a change.
So, here’s to taking care of yourself and radiating light and love.
On to new chapters.