Final Chapter

Sometimes when you know, you know.

So often we doubt our feelings in hopes that we’re wrong. We push our thoughts away, even though they never leave. The thoughts just sit there, getting louder and louder every day that passes by.

We try to talk ourselves into thinking we’re just crazy, or imagining things… but we’re not, are we?

We know.

I have a pretty decent intuition and it’s usually right. I don’t take these feelings lightly though, so when I want to make a life changing decision, I give my all to fix the situation before I do.

And this is the story of what led to the final chapter of D and me.

Last April is when the story really first starts. Let me preface this by saying D has depression, anxiety and a doctor once told him he was bipolar even though I think it was a false diagnosis. So, when something happens to D that is bad or unfavorable, he shuts down and lets it take over his life. He will not get help for it. I tried all I could to help him, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t enough to help him.

He was going through a hard time with a family because a situation that happened with his dad. So, in April he broke up with me. He said it was going to be his time to figure things out on his end and try to better himself. Truthfully, I think that reason was bullshit and he wanted to hang out with his friends more instead of having me to “weigh him down”. However, in trying to save the relationship from a pointless breakup I talked him into having us still be in contact and hanging out sometimes without the hard term of “relationship”. That lasted a little while before he officially cut ties.

As usual, I was devastated. I had hoped after our big breakup of 2013 and reunion of 2014, this on-again/off-again relationship was done. But it wasn’t. In fact, he had broken up with me a couple times before this.

I became extremely depressed… a place I hadn’t been to in years. I thought about suicide one night because it felt like my world was crashing. I texted D that night, hoping he would help. Our conversation?

D: “Do you want me to call the cops?”

Me: “No”

D: “Ok”

For all he knew, I could have ended it that night and it was like he didn’t care at all.

I started going to the beach to enjoy the ocean and the sunsets to find my inner peace. Eventually I started finding it and realized I was going to be okay, and that this breakup was actually for the better.

But I should have known what was coming. He called me one July morning saying he wanted to give us another try.

I was reluctant. A part of me knew I shouldn’t and something inside told me it wasn’t a good idea.

But I felt I owed it to the relationship to give it one last try, so I did.

The year did not go smoothly. It went… okay.

D had been severely depressed for the last two years and it was affecting our relationship. I begged him to get help because I can only do so much but he never wanted to.

He liked to play victim and wallow in the negativity. As somebody who believes in energy and radiating positive vibrations, it got to a point where his energy was affecting mine.

And then in December, I lost my grandma to cancer who was my second mother. She raised me. My world fell apart.

Before I lost her, I was venting to D one day over text about it. He never really comforted me, all he ever said was I needed to be strong. In my opinion, you don’t tell somebody that in this type of situation. So, I responded with “Yeah”, a one word response, but then continued to type a second message.

Before I could send the second message, he blew up on me. He started arguing with me and shut down on me and hardly talked to me for a couple of days. I don’t know what kind of person does that. That was one of the final straws.

I couldn’t be with somebody who has such little empathy for others.

Then he started picking fights with and alienating his friends for little reasons.

I get it, he has depression. I know that really affects life, but he never attempted help. I’m going to school for psych and I am one of the most understanding people out there, but if you don’t want to better your situation, it starts affecting everything. After two years, I was starting to shut down to him.

So, finally in January… I went into the new year with a new mindset. My soul was tired, it was aching, I could hardly feel it anymore. I needed to make a change for my well-being. I decided to go into the new year and just completely radiate positive energy and let all the negativity go. And so one morning, I changed. Slowly I started to feel better, but there was still a weight on me. I realized what it was.

I had to break up with D in order to save myself. I had to let go of my best friend, my love, of almost a decade. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made because I was letting go of possibly one of the strongest, if not the strongest love I’ll ever have in my life.

But I needed to.

As terrible as it sounds, I felt so much better after the breakup. My soul could breathe again and I could just feel myself recharging day by day. I will never stop loving him, but we are better off apart.

I felt peace, positivity and just overall better vibes enter my life.

It had been time for a change.

So, here’s to taking care of yourself and radiating light and love.

On to new chapters.

xo,

whiskeyinateacupp

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Texts

5/10/18

 

It feels like my life has changed, yet again, in the past couple months but at the same time it has remained the same. I’m still single, still trying to radiate positivity and send out good vibes. After my rough year of 2017, I decided going into 2018 that I needed to change my mindset and rid myself of all the negativity in my life, even if it meant losing somebody I loved. And so, finally fed up with feeling crappy all the time mentally, I started making changes.

I decided to be happy. I decided to radiate what I want from the universe. Only good vibrations from here on out.

Unfortunately, one of the things that was affecting me was D, my ex. He isn’t a bad person, let’s get that out of the way. We have our differences and our dark times, but he is good. He just happened to have bad things thrown his way, which we all do, but instead of making a change or even attempting to make a change, he stayed in the same negative mindset. It started affecting him so bad, to the point it affected us. I begged him to go get help because there was only so much I could help with, but he never did.

That is partly what led to our breakup.

But that isn’t why I’m here.

About two weeks ago, I got a text from D.

“Hey”

Part of me didn’t want to respond, but the other part of me knew I was going to anyways. There was a town festival that weekend and I was curious if he was going to be there so I could avoid bumping into him.

So, we started texting.

It was mainly small talk and chit chat. Our messages were short and blunt, but he said he just wanted to check up on me and see how I was doing and what was going on. I wasn’t exactly keen at this idea, but it’s hard to not talk to somebody who was your best friend for almost a decade.

We asked each other about school, work, life, our pets.

He told me he finally cut his hair short and sent me a selfie.

I sent one back, admittedly.

After a bit, he told me he was curious to see what my best friend would say when I tell her that he had messaged me.

So I told him that she already knew, because obviously I was in freak mode when he first texted me.

He asked what she said, and I told him the truth. She said I probably shouldn’t be texting him and that I had been doing so well moving on, I can’t afford to go backwards. Which is all perfectly true. I had no intention of revisiting the past.

To which he replied something along the lines of me not worrying about him trying to get back together with me…

Because he is in a new relationship.

Yes, you read that right.

But nothing inside of me flipped, turned upside down, or felt nauseous even.

No, your eyes aren’t mistaking you. You read that correctly, as well.

I didn’t even feel jealous. I knew a while ago that I was over him because when I was drunk or drinking, I didn’t even think about him. Our memories didn’t flood my brain and my hands didn’t reach for my phone to text him.

But this sealed it to me. This gave me reassurance I am actually ready to be free and release myself.

However, this wasn’t sitting right with me. I asked him if his new girlfriend knew he was texting me and he said yes, that she was fine with it. Now, I don’t know about you, but I would not be happy with my current boyfriend texting his ex-girlfriend of almost 9 years, after only being broken up for almost 5 months. That was my first little spark in my head.

Secondly, if he was happy in his new relationship, why did he text me? Yes, we were best friends for so long, I understand, and like he does for me, I will always care about him and there will always be a place in my heart for him.

But… I was also his love. It just doesn’t sit right with me for some reason. I can’t see being happy in a new relationship, and still wanting to text D, especially this fresh in the breakup.

My brain is still trying to wrap my head around what happened. Because something isn’t sitting right with me.

Later on at night, I eventually told him due to his relationship, I didn’t think it was appropriate for us to be texting all day and I just didn’t feel right about it and also, girl code.

xo,

whiskeyinateacupp

Vulnerable

3/7/18

I’ve been trying to stay busy, to keep my mind on other things, but as I find myself alone at night… my feelings and thoughts swallow me.

When everybody else has gone to bed and is no longer awake, or when I don’t feel like talking anymore… the weight of the world lays on my chest.

Tonight, I am scared.

Tonight, I am vulnerable.

Even though I still haven’t told what happened between my ex, D and I, I miss the relationship. I know things weren’t good and there were too many issues that weren’t being fixed and as much as things went bad, our love was real.

“The greater the love, the greater the chaos” – Jonathan Carroll.

I am terrified that I will never experience such a love like ours again. I lose my breath just thinking that I may never find a love as strong as ours was. I’m aware that everybody’s love is different and you will never have the same love twice, but life is too short for mediocre love.

I miss our love. I miss what we could have been, if only we were different.

I didn’t break up with him because I no longer loved him. I did it so that he would start to fix himself and so I could find somebody who could be there for me the way I needed them to. But oh, I loved him. If I had stayed that love would have burned me alive in the most beautiful, devastatingly way.

We will always have a love for each other, it will always show in our eyes, for as much as he may hate me right now, the love is there.

My heart is so, so heavy tonight.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Out of the Blue

In a post I wrote a while back, I played around with the idea of closure.

Do we really need it? Does it actually benefit us?

Can we truly move on with our lives without it?

Some people disagree with closure, saying life isn’t always so perfect to put back together. We just have to pick up the pieces left behind and make do with what we have. However, in my opinion and at least for myself, I find closure necessary for some things in order for my soul to feel calm and at peace.

Some of you may remember Army boy. The boy who knew I liked him, who I thought liked me, but instead used me and lied to me. He was the first guy after I had broken up with my ex that I liked. So Long, Luckless Romance

If you read through my post on him, it goes into better depth than this post is going to get. However, I do have to add one small bit to that post. At the time, I still had feelings for him. So, when he lied to me and said he didn’t want to get into a relationship before deployment, but then did… it hurt like a bitch.

But do you want to know what hurt more?

He got married to the girl. Imagine the pain I went through when I learned this.

Eventually, I moved on but always wondered what had been wrong with me to him. How I could have made the situation better. What I could have done to make him like me more. How he could have lied to me like he did, how he could have used me.

Fast forward four years later, to this past December. Army boy and I hadn’t had any further conversation or contact after our last text messages before he deployed, so we went four years without speaking. I was on Instagram one night, scrolling through my feed. I noticed a picture of Army boy at Disneyland. Being a Disney person, I liked the photo.

He liked a photo of mine back.

I liked one of his back.

And this continued for a couple more photos. We hadn’t had this much contact in years.

Imagine my surprise, when he slid into my DM’s out of the blue saying, “So are we just going to continue liking each other’s pictures or are we going to talk?”. Part of me didn’t want to reply, but because I’m nosy and like to stir things up from time to time, I replied. It was small talk for the most part, but it was starting to lean towards flirtatious.

I asked him how his wife was doing.

He said the relationship wasn’t doing well, but he didn’t want to talk about it.

Cue the eye roll.

He was trying to hint at hooking up. I was still with my ex at this time, so obviously I told him no. And if that’s not enough of a reason, he has a wife back home.

But this isn’t even the biggest drop of news. He wants to meet up. I reluctantly agreed. I realized it was my time to get closure. This is what I had been looking for all along.

We met up at a local coffee shop and talked. That was all. I realized the conversation just wasn’t there for us. There was no spark there for me. It was all gone. It was friendly, at most.

At the end I went to give him a hug goodbye with my coffee still in hand, and what really sealed the deal for me… I spilled coffee on his back. Win!

I thought spilling coffee on him just made up for everything.

However, it did not end there.

Later on, he messaged me.

He said he regrets treating me the way he did and he knows it ended on a bad note because of him. He brought this up all on his own, without me saying anything about our past. And to be quite honest, this pissed me off. He knew all along he was acting like a douche. He realized how bad he treated me.

Then he goes on saying that he wished he would have pursued me further and seen where him and I could have gone.

I was livid this night. I told him he screwed up and ruined it all and that he should have pursued me because I really, genuinely liked him.

The lesson from all of this…

Sometimes closure does come back around to bite you in the ass.

Screw you and your uniform, Army boy.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Chocolate-covered Hazelnuts

Oh, the places a love lost will bring us to.

Sometimes we end up in a bar, looking to find forever in the arms of a strange at last call.

Or maybe we find ourselves sitting on the beach, looking out into the vastness of the ocean, thinking there must be more to life than we can see.

Most of us find ourselves chained to our beds, as if they were prisons and we can’t escape.

Well, tonight I find myself with a glass of whisky and chocolate-covered hazelnuts writing to you at 2 in the morning on a Monday listening to 90’s R&B.

Wherever we find ourselves on a night like this, wherever you may be tonight, whatever you may be trying to forget… we can’t run from it.

Tonight I’m keeping my window open to let the cold, late winter breeze embrace my skin in hopes that it will somehow keep my thoughts on track and not going in a hundred different directions.

Sometimes the hardest things in life are letting go of the people you love. They say love conquers all, but does it really? Does love conquer empty promises, inexcusable absences, little effort and shutting you down when they should be listening? To what extent does love conquer us? To what extent do we even want love to conquer us? Do we want to become blind to people who appear to treasure us, but in reality, aren’t who we need them to be?

So often we let love consume us and in return, our eyes develop a rosy tint. Everything seems to be perfect and it is only when we realize we deserve better do we see the wrong in the relationship.

We see the way they shut us down when we’re talking about something that genuinely excites us.

We see the way they don’t feel the need to be romantic with us any longer.

We see the way they won’t make an effort to come to events with us, always leaving us by ourselves… having to lie saying your partner has work.

We see the way we are putting in our entire soul only for half of it to be returned back to us.

We start to see the way we deserve better.

We become detached, after trying so long to make it work, trying to convince ourselves we could be happy like this forever.

But soon, the rosy tint fades from our eyes and we can see what we need.

The person we were trying to make them out to be just isn’t going to happen. You can’t change a person. We can’t make them into somebody they are not, but we try. Oh, do we try… we try until we are crying, wishing that we didn’t have to leave a comfortable, long, love. But we love them, so even when we are pushed to this point we keep trying. We keep giving 110% of us to them, purely out of hope they will change.

But they won’t.

You can’t change a person.

They have to want to change on their own, and hopefully it’s before it’s too late.

Love does not always conquer all.

Sometimes, as much as we don’t want to or believe we can’t, letting go is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

We have to say goodbye, lover.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Unstable Foundations

Humans are a species known for having bad habits and addictions that we can’t quit. No matter how much you try to deny this, you know it’s true deep down. Whether it’s as small as coffee or as big as drugs.

My bad habits and addictions lie in making a home out of somebody with an unstable foundation, unfortunately. I rarely ever learn my lesson in love and I get burned with my desire to try and patch the cracks in the foundation with something like putty. It may solve it momentarily but in the long run, putty won’t keep a foundation solid.

You’d think I would have learned from the past. You’d think I would have run away after the hundredth empty promise. But alas, humans have a knack for choosing precisely the thing they shouldn’t. We make homes out of people with unstable foundations, because the home is the part we look at. The foundation is the part we never look at and we tend to forget about it. We try to patch it along the way but eventually it caves.

Last I left you guys off, I had gotten back together with D. My first love, my first everything, my best friend. I’ll keep it short for this post…

When I started my blog, I broke up with him after being together for maybe four years or so. I was broken up with him for almost a year, and you guys all got to see the trials and loves lost throughout that time. About a year later he called me and knowing how weak I am in the presence of him and how much chemistry we have, it was only a matter of time of getting back together. Which we did. We were together for another four, almost five years. Unfortunately, the foundation was never rebuilt and he in fact, had not changed. He broke up with me a handful of times throughout those second set of years. And finally, a month ago… I made the heartbreaking decision this was not a foundation I could trust to build my home on.

We are a long, complicated history with much love and lots of unfortunate stories.

Stay tuned for more, kids. Get those hard hats out to protect yourself from the rubble and mess of our love.

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo

Back From the Dead

Guess who’s back?

That’s right, it’s your fellow love and heartbreak blogger back from the dead. I can’t believe I haven’t logged into WordPress in over two years now. Coming back to read all the comments just fills me with so much hope and inspiration. I love y’all. However, there is a part of me that feels guilty for not being here for you guys. I’m not even sure if anybody remembers who I am, or reads my blogs anymore! Here’s to hoping you do.

I didn’t log in because for the most part, I got busy with life and things were boring in my love life… for the most part. But in a twist of fate, although so much has changed in the last few years, I am back in the same position as when I first started blogging.

Reading through my old posts, I have learned a lot and I have been wrong many times looking back. I have changed and I feel I have lost myself a little along the way. I’m here to get it all back.

I’m here to let you guys know you’re not alone in this world when it comes to love mishaps and heartbreak.

There are plenty of stories and tales to come! Unfortunately, none of them are made up fairytales of knights in shining armor or fairies in a forest.

 

With all the love in my body,

whiskeyinateacupp xo